Hey guys. Sorry but this is a bit of a miserable post. All is going well with the PhD, had my second year review the other week and everyone is really happy with my progress, and I have my first proper conference presentation coming up in a couple of weeks. But the bipolar is kicking off again. I've been well for over a year now and maybe I've been a bit complacent about it but it's back. My mood is down, I was in tears most days in the office last week, my sleep is rubbish, my medication has been altered, but I'm exhausted and my mood is not good. I have told my sup that I don't feel so good and I have taken this next week off for a break because it's sooo long since I took one, and she was fine with that. And I know she is trying to be helpful, but emailing me a draft paper back over the weekend that has been corrected/altered in at least 200 places didn't do much to improve things. She did this last time I was poorly- spent loads of time giving me detailed feedback on things and getting work returned to me super-quickly...I know it's her way of trying to help and make things easier for me but it just feels like more pressure and I feel like crying when I get stuff back with so much feedback on it and my mood is already so fragile. And sometimes I just feel like the harder I work, the more is expected of me. At least I have a week off- much longer forcing myself to go on and I think I was going to crash and burn big style. So now I am back at my parents' for a week to chill out and catch up with family and friends etc. I don't really know why I am posting, I suppose I just want someone to tell me it is okay, I will get through it, or something like that. Anyone, please? Cheers, KB

I don't really know you, so I'm not sure how much use this will be but....It'll be okay :) You'll get through it.

I've got relatives grappling with bipolar issues and academia and from talking with them I can tell it can be a tough slog. But you're on track by the sounds of things, the review went well, you've got a supervisor who's trying to help and seems to understand and more importantly you've got some time to chill. You can recoup and launch back into it with a clearer head hopefully. Better for it too.

You've written and noted a lot of positives up there and they're worth revisiting when your mood is low. Especially seeing as the positives largely seem to be your doing :)

I hope you start to feel on more of even keel as the week goes on. All the best.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time, Keenbean. You work exceptionally hard and you're well on track, so don't worry about taking a week off to recharge your batteries. Health is the most important thing of all and you can't function properly (academically or generally) without it. I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive supervisor who fully understands your circumstances and is helpful. Don't worry about the corrections with your journal article. In fact, don't worry about anything work related. You're on top of it all. Just give yourself a week of tlc and relaxation. Just you with your friends and your family.
I think that so much is expected of you because you're so capable- see it as a form of flattery. Of all the posters on this forum that have discussed their history as it relates to their academic careers, I find yours the most inspiring. You have a steely resolve, great determination and a wealth of coping strategies. But honestly, Keenbean, you can't go on working without taking a break occasionally. And you know better than anyone that you'll get through this period because you've faced and overcome bigger challenges than this in the past. Just relax, try not to think about work and come back to it in a week with fresh eyes. Take care and have a nice break.

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AAAaaa hhhh, the wonderful, admirable, KeanBean, I wish I could meet this person, you work so hard and champion a cause that is so peritnent to our age, and with such integrety and conviction, and with such an open and honest heart: I want you to fly. And you will, but you need to recognise how valuable and amazing you are, and that, as such, you deserve a break to look after yourself. We all stall in our own unique ways, mine is days in front of Fraisier and Gok Wan, yours is Bipolar, But blimey the world needs people just like you doing what you do, and giving your wisdom, so make this a better place and look ater yourself, and I'm certain you'll be the keanest bean in the block again as soon as you can. Yo are gold dust KB, ahead of your game, and bejesus you are worth waiting for. So just give yourself time and space to get alright, and let us know when you need us, because you are a star that needs, and deserves, to shine. xxxxx

I second the posts below here Keenbean. I' so sorry you are going through this again, it's not a nice situation to be in in any way, but I have no doubt it will pass. Truly don't worry about taking this week off, if it's what's needed for yourself and to make sure you are feeling better, then surely that's more important than any academic work will ever be. You must always remember that yourself and your health are more important than work will ever be (a surprisingly easy thing to lose sight of...). Just spend this week doing whatever fun stuff you feel like, and you can get back to work when you are feeling better. You have passed your review, so you are on track, and you are capable of working damn hard as we have all seen here, so I think you more than deserve a damn good break! Think of it as a weeks holidays, I think we are allowed 6-8 weeks so it's fine.
I hope you are feeling better soon (mince)

I just wanted to add my thoughts to those below as you are such a lovely, supportive poster and have helped me many times in the past. I imagine you have already tried this but have you thought about some meditation? I've watched a couple of Youtube videos about mindfulness and it's a nice way of saying 'it's ok that I'm feeling like this, it doesn't make me an incapable person.' And you will certainly, certainly get through this, but try not to think about the future for now and just concentrate on enjoying your week. Best of luck x

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Dear KB,

Deep down inside, you know this will pass, don't you? Of course it will, girl. You are such a committed, dedicated, ambitious, focused, driven, methodical and sensible person K, if you do not deserve a week off who does? Why must you expect your body and brain to be at your beck and call all the time, when sometimes they do have the right to go on strike and just sit with their back to you, facing the wall and say "we won't work! we won't work!". Give them the break they deserve and have earned. The feedback - perhaps now is not the time to look at the paper. Everyone has different ways of showing that they care, and this is your sup's way. Some others will do it with kind and gentle words - people are so different!

So, your body has devised its own way of hitting you with an awful low when you don't need it. What's your strategy back? Let it be for a bit, perhaps. Let the hard working, committed and focused person rave and rant for a bit, and flutter around. Don't resist it. Go with the flow.

This too will pass, KB.

Huge hugs and love going your way. And I second Eska, you are one of the people on this forum, I would so dearly love to meet. I admire you so much.

I just have to echo what everyone else has said - Keenbean, you're amazing, and achieve so much, and you know this will pass, although I'm sure it doesn't feel that way at the moment. Hang in there - you have support from people around you, it sounds like you're well on top of all the work and your supervisor is being really supportive, so things will work out fine. You deserve a break - we all do really, we all work so hard - but you have a particularly strong reason to take one at the moment, so give yourself this time to recover and recharge. And with the sun shining so brightly and lazy summer in full flow, I hope you actually have a chance to enjoy the break too!

Hi Keenbean, I'm a fellow bipolar person and I know that it is so so SO hard trying to carry on with normal life, let alone an academic career while dealing with bipolar.

I'm going to keep this short as I'm sure you don't want to here all the 'me too' stuff.

What I've found really helpful when I am on low is to sit out in the sun. Several bipolar books advice this as a way to moderate your mood. Obviously, you don't want too much sun because that'll trigger mania, but I tend to sit out in the sun at least an hour a day when I am low. I know it sounds a lot while you are trying to have a busy career, but it really is worth doing. If I am really low, or I can see my mood plummeting down quickly, I spend longer out in the sun.

Similarly, if I feel I am getting a bit too manic, then I stay in doors for couple of days and avoid the sun.

Also, while you are at your parents, do lots of stuff with them. I tried many time to 'take a week off', only to mope around, think too much and get even more depressed. Nowdays, I find a week off much more effective if I go out on day trips, do stuff in the garden, do little projects, etc. - things that makes me happy and feel better.

I just want to give you a big big hug!

It WILL be ok. You as a bipolar person know this all too well. You just get yourself through this one and the light is waiting for you.

Hey KB ... you'll get thro' this! You've done it before, you'll do it again :-)

You do need this time off so do take it easy and I would go so far as to actually not even turning on a PC/laptop for the week (f**k it, why not take two weeks off? Everyone else is!). If you feel that you do need to work on that paper that your sup sent ya, get it printed and just deal with the small stuff (minor editing). If you even deal with that over an hour, with maybe a cuppa coffee and ten minutes at the time, you'll get thro' it. But thats if you want to do it!

You are at home and I think most of us will agree that parents and friends are what keep us going. Enjoy this time with them and remind yourself of the bigger picture. Sit down and enjoy your parents company - they have more wisdom than any professor. I would suggest cooking a meal as it really helps keeping busy and it is an occasion to sit down and appreciate each others company

Hi KB

I'm sorry you're having to fight through this again, if anyone deserves a break from it, you do. It will pass (as hard as that is to believe when your in the midst of it) and it will pass quickest if you step back and don't try to force things. You've clearly learned to spot these patches early and are able to be honest in dealing with them, and I think that's what keeps you well in the long run.

Take good care of yourself, ignore the pc/email/etc, you've taken the week off so make it an effective break, otherwise it won't be worth taking. Be gentle with yourself, and if in a week you still feel fragile - take another off. You've worked so hard that you really don't need to worry about taking time off just now, and you're right - the more you do the more people will expect, so set your own standards and make them reasonable. All the corrections, articles, and so on will still be there when you get back, but you can't do any of them if you don't have your health.

You've been such a support to me and to many on this forum, please use this time to really care for yourself. *hugs*

Oh KB, I just want to second what everyone else has said, I can't say anything new but it needs to be said to you over and over again :-) You are amazing, you just astound me with the amount of work you do, your openess and honesty and the way you support and help everyone else and now accept the massive group hug you're getting :-)

Take the week off, don't work, force yourself to get out there in the sunshine and fresh air, sit and relax, read some really cr*ppy magazines, watch rubbish tv, dont' do a darned thing academic - give your body and your mind the rest it needs. The rest of the world don't expect to work 52 weeks a year without crashing and burning so why should we? This will pass, you are on top of it, you just need to sit back, catch your breath, allow your new med to start to work and then kick back in :-) Don't worry about the corrections and feedback, it will be there and when you've had a break you'll cope with it so much easier. It good that you have a sup who cares so much, ok so her way of doing it is a bit warped lmao, but she's interested in you and she is determined for you to succeed and girl, if anyone deserves to succeed its you!


Enjoy your time with your family, don't check your emails, just don't 'be there', you're away on holiday, enjoy the feeling of not having to do anything cos you don't - a week is going to make no difference at all to the end result, none whatsoever, but without that break it could make a big difference. look after yourself, be kind to yourself and yes, this too will pass xxxxx

Hey guys, thank you so much. I was going to say that you are the nicest bunch of people I have ever met, but of course I haven't met you! Which makes you all even nicer I think, to be so kind with your replies. You are right, I will do my best to chill out this week and then see how things are. I know really that it will pass but every time I get a bit wobbly with the bipolar I worry about times past and having to return to hospital etc. I have had some really bad times on psych wards so it would be my worst nightmare to have to return there, especially when things have been going so well recently. Thanks for all of the lovely things you have said- I even shed a tear as I read them, but not the miserable kind I have been shedding most of the week you'll be glad to know. I hope everyone has a good week & thank you so much for your support. best, KB

Hi KB, I wish I could have replied to this sooner. I want to echo what everyone else has said as well, you have helped me through my numerous difficulties during my Masters with such empathy and compassion, you are one of the most warm-hearted people I 'know', without even meeting you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time, but I think the good thing is that you have pinpointed it before it has become too much for you to deal with yourself, and have taken some time out to relax. Only you know yourself, but I think you'll be able to get back on track after a few days to yourself, thinking of yourself only. I'm pleased that you are having a break as you work so hard, but it's a shame that it's because you're going through a down stage.

I'll be thinking of you, like everyone else here. I hope you start to feel a little better soon, hope to hear from you next week, after a week without looking at a computer if that's what you wish!

Take care,
Natassia xxx

Hi KB
I've been tied up all day in departmental annual review so have only just logged on but would echo what everyone else has said - about you being one of the people who has been / is so helpful on the forum. Take some time out - everyone needs a break some of the time - don't feel guilty about it. Try to do something relaxing - have a massage or something similar if finances allow or if not go for a walk in the fresh air. Don't worry about the PhD - it will be there next week or next month.

Look after yourself