Hi Guys,
I have been accepted as PhD student starting in October, which is very exciting and all, (after waiting an extra year as the project didn't get funding last year). It's the perfect project for me and it's in a great institute.

However it means moving 500 miles from home (North Scotland to South England), and this is causing some problems with my partner. He works for a national company and can transfer but would need to take a demotion as there aren't any jobs at his level down there. He is saying that he doesn't want to talk about it at the moment, and it seems like he doesn't want to move at all... When we'd talked in the past he said he'd move and we'd just talk about it properly when it happened. And well it's happening now...and he still won't talk.

Have any of you had similar problems? I'm not sure whether to leave him to settle for a week or two then try and talk or get it out of the way now. I find it very stressful to have this hanging over me!

Sorry if this is rambling!

Thanks in advance!
Caro

Hi. I am so sorry you are in this position. I went through the same thing. My partner knew I was applying to positions, and every time I tried to talk about it he was like yes OK no problem. We will talk when we come to it. Then I got accepted and started actually deciding to move (not N Scotland to S England but 3.45hours by plane away. I noticed he was not really comfortable with it. However he did not want to talk. I finally wore him down (basically sulked and did not keep up conversation about anything else which I knew works to get him talking) and he said that he felt as if my applying to PhD positions was to get away from him. However he knew and accepted that he should have talked earlier to me about his concerns rather than at that stage (I had visited the University and accepted etc etc) and that was what was making it difficult for him to talk about the problems, cos he knew he should have faced the problem before (I did not push too much to discuss before, because he seemed OK to me, but maybe I should).

I think it is very important that you have that discussion now. Try and be calm and do not get angry. At least you know what he is feeling and can work around it. Perhaps he does not need to move with you. Would a long distance relationship work for some time? Skype works wonders for us. We meet every 1.5months or so. Then he might move closer later on (my partner will be moving to a 1 hour plane ride away from me in the next year to start his masters). I doubt he would have actually done that if it wasn't for me being all the way up here. It is not easy, but it can be done.

Thanks Ailicec,

Yeah I think before he was just hoping that it wouldn't really happen, when I first applied at the beginning of last year I didn't talk to him about it properly, but as it didn't get funding and I had to re-apply the next year I took the time to talk to him.  But he just said 'we'll deal with it if it happens' as I think he thought the same would happen again. Then when I said it looked like it was getting funding this year he started saying things like 'you just want to get away from me' but in a jokey kind of way.  But I think this might be how he is really feeling, even though I tried to reassure him that I didn't want that at all. I know it's a big ask for him to move hundreds of miles away from home, and I would consider a distance relationship but it would be difficult, we've been together 7 years and lived together for 3 so it would be a big change! 

I know it's six months before I need to move, but I'm a bit of an obsessive planner and get rather stressed when I can't make arrangements well in advance!