Hi guys
So it's been a while since I've posted anything here but try to help as much as I can when I'm online. Basically I'm 2.5 months into my new job and things going well but for the past week or so I've been immensely depressed:
1) Feeling a bit lonelier than usual here in Canada and miss my mates back in the UK
2) I'm not close to family but find myself suddenly missing my youngest brother. Sent him an email to get in touch and hasn't responded; things aren't great between me and my parents I even told them I don't want to talk to them and I think they told him and u know the drill.
3) Been doing some orthodontic work on my teeth and depressed about it- not going as well as I had hoped and it's affecting self-esteem.

Any of u guys going through similar issues and how do you deal with it?? Ironically work hasn't been causing me much stress which is weird. Appreciate any advice you can give me: I'm good when it comes to uni/PhD advice but am not so great with personal life issues. Thanks.

Sorry to hear you're depressed :( I'm really close to my mum and for this reason would have to draw the line at moving as far away as you have! Is there any way you can plan a trip home soon to catch up with friends and family? Sounds like it might be a good idea. Or perhaps even better, can you invite anybody over to Canada?

hi Incognito
I'm sorry to hear that you miss your mates back in the UK and may perhaps also be feeling homesick. You miss your youngest brother, you sent him email and he hasn't responded. Try not to take this personally. I can really n truly understand how you feel because my sister is the same (if not worse) with me. She never calls me, never emails me, NEVER replies anything I send her unless she needs something from me. I am always the one initiating contact. I have felt unloved by her since I was a child and this is unlikely to change in future.

Sometimes we go through times where our relationship with our parents breaks down. Strange as it sounds, you will always be connected to your parents, and vice versa. Perhaps you (and your parents) still need time apart, and hopefully things will sort themselves out in time to come. Allow yourself some space to be free from worrying about this or even thinking about this.

I am sorry that your orthodontic work has not exactly turned out as expected. Whenever you feel down about this, try to look at it as a passing phase. I am sure that the end-result will be a good one, and now it is only the process that seems to be getting you down.

I am so glad that your work does not give you stress. Just to share with you how I cope.

--with my sister, I have never stopped loving her. Every time I feel the pain of rejection from her, I take a deep breath and (as ridiculous as it sounds), and BREATHE OUT all the pain that I feel. And somehow that makes me feel better. When I breathe in, I think of all the pain and how much I wish she would call me or talk to me, and when I breathe out, I tell myself I am breathing out all this pain. It really makes me feel better. Trying to continuously contact her will only make things worse and I will feel even more broken hearted.

--with my teeth I had braces and even today my teeth are not that straight. To be honest, I don't like the way they are but I can't afford any more work on it and I have come to accept it that the curve of my teeth are slightly slanted to the right. (we need a mirror to see it actually)

--missing friends, I send him short messages on fb or email and then just see who replies. If nobody, never mind.

--homesickness--eating something from home makes me feel better, I do not binge or overeat. I try to cook a little bit just for the taste. This seems to make me feel happy.

Hang in there incognito you'll be ok
love satchi

Hi Incognito

Sorry things are so tough at the moment. It's not easy when things aren't straightforward with your family - I think family members are in a unique position to make us feel awful when they don't respond the way we want them to.

Have you met many folk where you are in Canada? I've never moved to another country, but I have moved to another part of this country and found it really tough-going - it seemed impossible to meet new people, and folk back home were getting on with their own lives and I felt very much out on a limb. Ultimately and for various reasons I moved back home, but that was a different situation to yours as I also found myself unemployed in the new place. I recently felt my social life was in a bit of a rut, so I'm doing an experiment at the moment and trying to start up a new social group in my area - sometimes I think it is good to meet some new people and shake things up a bit. Is it possible to get involved in something similar where you are? I know the whole 'join a group of people who share a similar interest' thing might sound a bit cheesy, but in my experience you can come out of these ventures with one or two good new friends and it can make a difference.

I hope the orthodontic work is something that will make you feel better in the long term. I imagine it's one of those things in which you go through various uncomfortable in-between stages.

One of the worst things about feeling depressed is that you lose the energy to do the things that might help, so you might find yourself needing to work against the grain of how you're feeling in order to get to a better place, if that makes sense. I hope things start to feel better soon.

HI Incognito,

I can relate to your post. It is so hard living in another country when everyone feels you have this amazing opportunity and all you do is sit there and think about home and the people you have left behind who are getting on with their lives and don't seem to give you a second thought. If one more person tells me to 'enjoy myself' or 'make the most of it' I think I'm going to scream!

It's hard being in a different culture.

As Satchi says, it's good to get things that remind you of home. For me it's marmite, PG tips and (real) cheddar cheese and pickle sandwiches. I can close my eyes and pretend I'm back at home whenever I have these things. They are comforting for me. You should try to find things that instill the same feelings in you.

Regarding your brother, maybe give him a call, or send another email? You never know, he might not have got the first one. I know it's hard when people seemly ignore you (I get this all the time) but try to remember that people have their own lives, and they are probably so caught up in them that, whilst they think about you, they don't find the time to contact you. This doesn't mean they don't care about you. They just don't realise what it's like to be thousands of miles away from everyone you care about.

Making new friends is hard too. Especially if you are someone that finds superficial friendships meaningless. But make the effort anyway - like Chickpea says, you never know who you might meet along the way, and at least you will have tried and that might make you feel better.

Thanks for your lovely messages; these issues can take an emotional toll on me sometimes.

@Satchi: Thanks so much long time no chat!! The brother thing has really angered me, and I feel that my parents told my brother about my problems with them and have made me look bad, and that's why he's ignoring me. Not so rational from his end but not sure what other possibility there is. I'm meeting my ortho soon and hope to resolve the issue by the end of the summer if possible. As for the UK, I'm planning to come back for Xmas if possible but problem is fixing my ortho would cost some money so need to make sure I've got enough to come back this year or just wait till next year. Hope all is going well with you!

@Chickpea: I've got friends in Canada but not ones close enough to confide in when it comes to issues like this. One of my mates from the Uk found a teaching job in Ottawa so hopefully that'll help even if it's only for 4 months. Meeting people is easy for me I like chatting and am not an introvert- meeting people who can talk to about such issues isn't easy for me, however. Thanks for your words- I'm meeting my ortho asap and just hope my brother doesn't hate me.

@TreeofLife: Totally agree my mate in the UK is like enjoy yourself go to New York!! I'm like I'm so busy and it's just not that easy for me! I'll send my brother another email next week, but I'm thinking my parents have done the nasty thing of influencing his thoughts about me. Nothing much I can do about this as reconciling with my parents is out of the question for the time being.

With the new job it's hard to shake up my routine so solving ortho issue and liking/loving myself would be the first step in the troubleshooting process. Wish me luck

hi incognito---this part about "that's why he's ignoring me" but Incognito, we don't know the exact reason he hasn't replied to you, we can only speculate--which can make us feel even more unhappy. How about not thinking about this for now :-)

Could it be that your brother may not know what to do or say, so he doesn't do anything? It could be that he was going to reply, but then started doing something else etc....

Try not to worry about the reasons he's not contacted you back yet :-)

If you try to figure out why he has not done anything, it might make you more upset.

I'll tell you how my sister will reply me on fb. For some strange reason she seems to enjoy looking at ugly photos of me. Seriously. And honestly. Today I sent her some ugly photos of myself and she replied "granny". At least I give her some happiness in letting her see me ugly??? I previously showed her a photo of my jelly shoes and she commented that they would hurt my feet. She seems to take pleasure in anything that gets me down. When i send her beautiful pictures, she does not reply. On the other hand, if I send her ugly photos of myself she will contact me back. Strange and twisted?!

Hope your feeling better and have a great weekend
love satchi

Some people are just like this. Try to remind yourself that this is their issue due to their problems and remember that it is not about you :(

Hi Satchi,
That's horrible about your sister I suggest you ignore her she probably is insecure about her looks and takes it out on you.
Remember when I was telling you I was a bit down a while ago? I had other issues going on (personal issues about how I view myself) and this I think just acted as a trigger and made things worse. Not being in the UK and the ortho didn't help either.
I've just been listening to music even at work to distract myself and sometimes it helps a little (only temporarily). In the end, it's up to him if he wants to respond or not and I realised if he hates me that's his choice- he's too shallow to get in touch and simply ask what's wrong between me and my parents.
In the meantime I have to stop stressing and do my best to sort out my ortho/self-esteem issue at present, like myself again and focus on the remaining 6 months of my job. On the bright side, things are going well at work and my boss (who's half Scottish so at least reminds me of the UK) is happy with me. Fingers crossed for both of us we get through what's bothering us and smile again!

You could go on a website like Meetup.com. And just go along to a meetup - you'll meet people easily that way. I'm a couchsurfer (couchsurfing.com) and have couchsurfed across the US and Asia. Couchsurfing do meetups in loads of cities and towns across the world. I've been to a few (Barcelona, Budapest etc) and met people who have never couchsurfed before - but are just ex-pats hoping to meet other ex-pats. If you went to one you'd def meet other people from the UK. Maybe that'll help the homesickness?
If you're in a big city these meetups are usually every week (often more), and usually pretty big - taking over a whole pub, and you can just start up a conversation with anyone in the place. Its great! (and not like a singles night obviously before you think anything like that!)
When I move away I'll definitely try to meet people in this way.
Hope all goes well with you and your family

Sorry - I realised you've said that you have friends in Canada and that's not the issue... Anyway, you can ignore my post!

LOL hi elflick thanks anyway yes I meet British ex-pats through Meetup.com but to be honest given how busy I am these days I don't do so as often anymore.

My brother actually did respond to my email which is great but he's not happy at his college which is not so great. At least now I know that he has no bad feelings towards me.

This leaves me with my orthodontic work to focus on and hopefully sort out the mess that is my teeth/face and start liking myself and what I see in the mirror again.

Eh sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. As someone who lived in Canada for 7 years everything is an adjustment and the winters can be....unforgiving lol. However I had a roommate from back home (Barbados) so we acclimated together. I loved every minute in Canada and have made lifelong friends there...just give it a bit. You wont find finer humans.

Family issues are family issues, pretty much the same all over. They wax and they wane...may I be so bold as to suggest seeking reconciliation if/when the opportunity presents itself. Life is so short and precious, and better when the family life is good. Of course not all have that luxury.

The cosmetic issues are always a drag, but don't let it be too much. My wife spent the last 3-4 years in braces, and through it all she never skipped a beat. I encourage you to be of good spirit :) Take it easy it will all work out and most of all MINGLE WITH THE LOCALS! You wont regret it :D

Thanks Fled; the thing I notice about Canada is that the men are wonderful and kind but the women are abominable! Sorry I'm not the sexist type but in the UK our women are so kind and friendly and they like friendly banter. In Canada I've had miserable experiences with them so far (and 2 dates from hell as well). I can't generalise but that's what's been like for me. As for the cosmetic issue, I'm in touch with my doctor hoping to meet him next month (June is only a week away). I just have to focus on my job and distract myself with gym, music and swimming until then. I'd like to think every problem has a solution whether academic or not- this thinking carried me through the PhD, but when it comes to medical issues/health I freak out. Curious which part of Canada were you in?

Hey guys,
Just an update: feeling more stressed than usual even more than my PhD days- thinking about my youngest brother and my personal issues. Moreover, can't stop thinking about my appointment with my orthodontist Fri the 13th (hope it's not a sign lol). My rosacea is getting worse and I may need to get back on antibiotics. Any advice from people who are good at dealing with stress? Ironically my stress-management skills during my PhD were awesome but they are failing me now. Thanks