Another conference presentation...another set of emails from the familial near and dear that ask NOT if the conference went OK, how the paper went, whether any future publications might come out of the conference....but did I get enough to eat? ( too much!) and did I find anyone to eat with (?????????) ummmm...yes...its a conference, you cannot get away from people. I wonder again if there is a deliberate trivialsing of the PhD undertaking or if this person is just sort of broadcasting what their fears are? or would be? if they were doing this??? in which case ...I don't know.

I replied with information on how my paper was received, the future possibilities from doing the presentation and why those are important to me and my research and my PhD. Because, honestly, whether I am hungry, over-fed, lonely or Miss Congeniality at a conference is really immaterial to the other things......

Not wanting to have a whinge, but why do people work so hard to trivialise the events of doing a PhD? Although I was a seasoned pre PhD presenter, its a whole new scary world presenting on "my" research...

people who don't know, don't know, and they probably think it is easy peasy and a bit of a holiday - but we know otherwise don't we

Thanks for the sympathy! I don't know why this in particular gets under my skin, but it does. I don't mind if the world in general does not get what is happening with the PhD, but those people who are near and dear and whose opinions matter...sometimes I wish they were more clued in!

I have sympathy.
No one has a clue out there and they don't seem to care. The only question usually is: "when are you going to finish?".

On the other hand, I'm not sure if we are always clued in on our relatives' work lives. For example, I've never asked my father in the last 26 years: "what exactly did you do today in the office?"

Hi guys,

I have actually experienced this for other things (prep school, PGCE, health problems etc) and found that people will NEVER care about what you want them to care about. However, there are ways to make sure they either ask the right questions, or at least stop asking the ones that get on your nerves...

The way I have done this to this day has worked amazingly well: I try and have everyone I want to talk to in the same room at once to begin with (saves time). Then I make a VERY lenghty talk about how it hurts when they say this or that, and how it actually feels to go through this or that, etc. I overdo it as much as possible, giving WAY too many details about everything, being as over-emotional as it gets, and making my speech last until they all literally beg me to stop (even my mother).

Now, many of my relatives/close friends are perfectly aware I do this on purpose, so they do pay attention and watch what they say next. And for those who actually dare go at it again, I just pretend I am going to do the whole speech all over again. Like "listen, I must have worded my feelings in a way that is not clear enough, and I apologize. Let me start over. You see....". Then I watch them leave me alone after two minutes or so

I know it's a horrible method but hey, it has worked fine for me to this day. Thought I'd share it, just in case...

~That is a good point Jouri. The people around me might have events they wish I would respond to in a different way. I just took some time out to email another relative congrats on how well her child did in just receiving an award in the study of a foreign language. I think its easy to get narcissistic doing the PhD. Your focus is all on you, and it makes it sooooo easy to lose perspective. I should just shut up, get on with the PhD and be glad that I have people who care in any way shape or form how I am doing, never mind that its not exactly the way I want them to ask!

I can understand how frustrating it is, I've experienced it too. Sometimes you have to accept that ultimately your family is in a totally different sphere and won't totally understand what you're doing. I certaihnly don't think it signifies that they don't support you or appreciate what you're doing.

I remember my family, my Granded in particular always asked me what the hotel was like, where I'd been, what I'd eaten (!) etc, rather than how my presentation or what I'd got from the conference. He wasn't trivialising my PhD or anything connected with it - he was merely asking if I had been alright. He died last year, and I am going to another conference soon. Never mind presentations and networking, I would give anything to have a conversation about nothing (conference food!) with him again.

I know it's hard, but try to accept that your relatives are who they are - they may not ask the right questions but I bet they're proud of you. And they wont be around for ever.

I think in some ways you're being a bit harsh to your friends and family...

I mean, some people don't have any support at all... they have crap friends or parents and siblings who don't even know or care they are doing a PhD, let alone attending a conference...

My non-PhD friends and family didn't really 'get' what a PhD was, but they *did* show interest and for me, that meant far more than asking the 'right' questions... so what if they didn't ask me about my new research objectives and instead asked me if my supervisors wife was still being a cow to my friend? at least there was communication there....

Not everyone will 'get' a PhD... but that doesn't mean they don't care

I'm not sure my family even know what university I'm at, let alone what I'm doing . They insist on referring to it as "school", if they ever do mention it.

Whenever I go to a conference all my friends and family say "you're going on holidays AGAIN?!?" Bless

I know my family don't have a clue about what I really do, I tried explaining once but it didn't really work. They just know that I work in a lab and do something with chickens and bacteria; that suits me.

I do get really annoyed when I tell outsiders that I am a phd student and then they refer to me being at 'school' or being a 'student dosser' or that I couldn't cope being in the real world. Truth be told I do more work now then when I had a 'proper job in the real world'.