I am about to start a PhD at the same place I did my undergrad, with the same supervisor. I graduated a year ago and have been working as a Research Assistant for a year, and I had previously been trying to get a PhD at the University of Cambridge. I was accepted to Cam but couldn't get funding. I spent almost a year trying to get that PhD place so I was pretty cast down when I couldn't go.

Soon after I found out that Cam was a no-go, my undergrad supervisor (who had been pressuring me to do a PhD with her since I graduated) offered to let me start my own project with her. This appealed to me because I thought I could choose something similar to what I had wanted to study at Cam. I was also exhausted from trying so hard to get a funded PhD and this was just handed to me on a platter. I spoke to a few people about it, and organised a co-supervisor and advisory committee. I was awarded a scholarship soon after, and planned to start in March.

I still have not officially started my PhD, and my application to be enrolled hasn't been lodged with the University. My problem now is that as March has gotten closer and closer, I've started to seriously backpedal about doing this PhD. I still haven't figured out my topic, and to be honest, my motivation to do so is non-existent.

For months I've been suppressing apprehension about this because it honestly is a good opportunity. Who else gets total freedom on their PhD project? I like my supervisor, I like the University, and I'm comfortable here.

But every time I try to sit down and actually try to plan, I freak out and get anxious because I think the truth is that I don't want to do this. I think I like the idea of it more than I like actually doing it.

The one major thing that has stopped me from acknowledging my feelings for so long is that i HATE to let down my supervisors. My primary supervisor has wanted me here for so long, and she'll be upset that I've said yes and then said no. My secondary supervisor has a history of not reacting well when students have changed their minds about studying with him. And I really don't want to be seen as unreliable.

Phew. Any thoughts?

Hmm, tricky! Are you overwhelmed by the amount of work, scared you'll fail, that sort of thing? 'Cos that's all normal. But if you think that you just don't want to do a PhD, if you have that gut instinct that it's not right for you, then don't do it. Go with what you feel deep down. Doing a PhD is a massive undertaking, it's hard, long, and while there are some moments throughout the process which make it worthwhile, generally it's emotionally very difficult too. It's better to not start and tell your supervisors this now, so they can get someone else, rather than start, do some work, then realise later it's not for you. You'd wste time and just feel worse.

Do you just need a holiday and some time to think this over? Talk to your supervisor, you need to tell them what's going on. Don't worry about letting them down - they'll get over it. You need to do what's right for you. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply. You've asked some good questions. I'm not scared of the amount of work, particularly if I'm interested in the research question and figuring something out. The workload isn't scaring me, I just don't really care about the project right now, which frightens me more! And I'm not afraid of failure - I know that I can do it, I'm just worried that I'll be making myself unhappy if I commit to this for 3-4 years instead of exploring other options. I'm really interested in science communication and I think that doing a postgrad certificate or masters in Sci Comm would be a better option for me right now. I can always decide to do a PhD later on down the road, right?

If the project isn't thrilling you (putting it mildly!) then that's a big worry. You need to have an enthusiasm for what you're doing to get through a PhD in one piece.

If you did a Masters in something else you'd be in a good position to do a PhD later.

TJNZ, if you just feel that you don't really want to do a phd, then I'd be very wary of committing to one. As Bilbo says, it's hard work and you have to really want to be there. If you find yourself thinking of leaving science anyway then a phd may not be worth the hard grind. Don't worry yourself too much about letting the supervisors down, it would be far worse for you to commit and then leave halfway through because it really wasn't for you. While they may be initially disappointed they'll also be glad you were honest.

That said, if your discipline is any sort of lab or "straight" scientific research then I don't think a masters in sci com would help you if you decided to go back to the phd plan. A relevant masters will be an asset (although your work experience is clearly sufficient in terms of getting you accepted) but sci com courses, while they will teach you all kinds of media skills won't give you much you can apply to research. I was tempted by the course at Imperial myself but decided to hedge my bets in academia until I was sure, as it's a lot easier to leave than it is to get back in.

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hi there TJ! some food for thought:

as the others said you have to love your topic and really want to do it! my aunt once replied to the question 'when's child no 2 gonna come along' with 'already in the writing up stages' and its true the project at times feels like your baby, you learn to love and hate it all at the same time, defend it against all criticism, even if you know its constructive (obviously not with the supervisor) talk about it with that same light in your eyes that other people talk about their partners and children (and I am both engaged and have a child so I know this, Ive been told I do it all the time, same expression of love and enthusiasm for all 3, only on a different level obviously!!!) In a way you are giving up your life for this work, it can be very tough going, isolating and lonely, rewarding and wonderful all at the same time, so long as you are passionate. if you are not passionate dont do it, but make sure you are sure that its not just nerves, because I nearly didnt start mine for fear of all of the above and would have regretted it bitterly in the long run.
take time to think, discuss your fears and feelings with your supervisor, it sounds like you have a very good relationship with her - I came up through the ranks per se in my uni and my supervisor has known me since my first year undergrad so I was in a very similar situ, and I know she appreciated my honesty when I told her I wasnt sure about it, and it was her advice that made me stay, as I was torn between a postgrad in teaching and a phd.
so this is what she said:
if its something you want to do you will know deep down inside. look forward ten years, where do you see yourself, if money fears and jog security fears and staying power fears etc were taken away? teaching in a school or uni?
my reply: in an ideal world, i want to be a professor.
her reply: you have just answered your own question. now you just need to decide if your topic is one you want to do or one you think will be a 'good' one to to... you need to want to do it. and if you want to do a phd but never do it, it will haunt you forever, like an unfinished manuscript in the sock drawer that you see everyday and regret abandoning, but fear returning to all the more as time passes!
take time and think!
good luck and let us know how you get on! :-)

ps, it isnt always rosy in the garden, im just having a particularly good day today, i do often hate my subject and wonder why i signed my life away for so many years to this phd, but that generally passes!