Hi guys,
A warning - this thread is likely to descend into me just moaning!
I feel as though I want to quit my PhD. Previously I've said this a couple of times but lately that thought has been so prominent. I actually feel as though, if I had anywhere else to go/anything else to do, I would leave.
(isn't there a saying like "I have a reason not to leave but no reason to stay"?)
My research is a mess (to paraphrase a visiting scholar). It was a project proposed by my supervisors, which I applied to work with....little did I know that they had pretty much no rationale for carrying out the main proposed study. There are things that, in hindsight, I would have changed, but I felt so pressured/rushed to start data collection that there's no way I could have spotted those things (especially with these supervisors).
My supervisors each have a separate 'area' - these areas only converge in my project. The problem is that neither seems to have even a basic understanding of the concepts involved from the other person's 'area' and very little desire to discuss things together. I think it has been around 18 months since I last saw them in the same room at the same time. Simple tasks like scheduling meetings are such a nightmare that I have actually had nightmares about it.
The one I meet regularly with treats me awfully (all the things that don't sound too bad because, once or twice aren't bad, but it has become such a disgusting pattern). Always late, always changing their mind about when we are meeting. Changes the subject and interrupts all the time. Never gives a thought-through answer to any question, never brings a notebook (and instead chooses to scrawl on mine), never gives practical advice (I've in fact been unofficially supervising their masters student because the student can't get any lab help - but it's at a point where I don't actually have the knowledge needed to help).
Part2.
This person also sets such a bad professional example- tells me to take a break (obviously not knowing that my average workday the last two months has probably been about 4 hours). Uses teaching as an excuse for not having published (or done) own research and not having read my work - even for not attending my 'upgrade' talk (despite that I can check the timetable to prove there's no teaching). Only ever comes in certain days (but doesn't admit it openly) and for want of a better word, is lazy. In addition, makes me feel that I can't admit any stress/problem whatsoever - reasons: 1) previously mocked my casual "ugh this software stresses me out!" 2) asked "is it still continuing, your problem?" in reference to a long-term condition that I'd never really discussed beyond a declaration at the beginning of first year. 3) told me all about another student's confidential business while she was away.
But back to the actual research, I think it'd take a miracle to complete a thesis within the next 14 months (which for financial reasons I would HAVE to do) since I still have no rationale and no defendable analysis of the current work, and no plans for the next phase (supervisors won't discuss any ideas - I just get something like "stick to this replication" whenever I try to bring it up - incidentally the study isn't a replication of the paper they always refer to, it just includes variables mentioned in the paper's introduction).
I have little to no opportunity to gain skills elsewhere (two temp RA positions (elsewhere within same dept.) and one external workshop application refused by supervisors), all I have is one conference presentation under my belt, and that didn't even go very well.
Part 3 (last part I think)
I wrote a short chapter draft based on my first study (months ago) and was told to send it to a journal (at this stage it was certainly not a paper - e.g. it had no introduction of the concepts because I'd written it as a 'middle' chapter) and I'm still waiting for actual comments on it.
Weeks ago, I sent a progress report and an email questioning my own reasoning and rationale and received no comments on that either - despite spelling out that I feel that the methods are not really valid.
I feel as though there isn't much in the way of a way forward from where I am.
Equally, I've lost a lot in the process: in thinking this through today, I have no friends/family that I can call to talk it through. Doing this has taken relationships, time, health, money, everything.
If I quit, I lose my mental health support worker, I lose friends/colleagues from the PhD cohort, I lose face, I lose money, I lose my flat. My CV/general reputation will be hindered if I quit: I won't get to start again elsewhere with a new project because as much as I feel I've tried here, not completing is going to be seen as a failure on my part. I don't have the experience needed to get a non-academic non-research kind of job. And I don't have the finances to survive without my stipend.
If I stay, and fail, I'll be in the same kind of position just a year or two older.
Ok, first of all, what you are describing is pretty normal, not acceptable, but just a common experience.
It's common to have issues with supervisors like you mentioned and it's common not to have many results yet. Rationale can always be found from the literature later...
I don't think you need to think about quitting just yet - first of all, you need to rectify the situation, and you have two options:
1. Arrange a formal meeting with your supervisors, tell them what support you need and state how you want them to give it. Make sure everything is written down and mutually agreed. Give them a chance to follow through with their agreed actions. Tell them you are considering quitting if you want - the honesty may help.
2. Speak to your head of year/pastoral carer and see what they advise.
Personally I recommend you take the supervisor route first, because they may not take kindly to 'interference' from other academics.
I know what you mean, sometimes it is just a case of letting stuff go, because it can just be personal preference. For example, I wouldn't particularly care if my supervisors were late for meetings but it would really bug me if they came to see me whilst I was eating lunch, or when I have just arrived at the office. I could also produce a list about all the things my supervisors do that I find odd (shout across rooms, emails all hours of day/night and weekends, expects stuff done immediately...) but these aren't really things anyone is going to tackle - it's just this person's style.
I think if you felt like you were making progress with your work you would feel better - this what you need to address with your supervisors really. I would try again with them with this, speaking to someone else to try to frame your research first if you need to, and see what difference it makes. You need a plan to work towards - for your research and for your thesis chapters and papers.
regarding the normalization of this, i would definitely agree with dunham, that the described situation shouldn't ideally be seen as normal.
however, i came across quite many bad situations... so it does seem to be normal, but not 'good-normal'. personally i haven't seen anyone being moderately happy, most had counselling-worthy issues at some point and supervision like the above does seem to be 'normal'. a lecturer told me that there's something wrong with a pg when they're happy, so there is a certain normalization about it and i think it's really dangerous to accept that kind of suffering as normal.
my experience in another country: phd students are praised and they come out of the thing with their head held high. here they need 6 months or so to recover. so there is definitely something ungood going on here.
i would suggest to change supervisor if the meeting doesn't lead to anything
I said it was common to experience the issues described, not common to suffer anxiety and depression because of it. I only know two students that have seen a counsellor - one as a direct result of the PhD and the other due to a personal issue.
Of course everyone can find fault with some things, but most students I know are happy with their PhD, supervisors and university overall.
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