Hello all fellow PhD students,

I'm seriously bummed out and I don't know if I should carry on or not.

I've been doing my PhD now for about 10 months and just submitted my study to ethics (NHS) and should be writing 2 chapters of my thesis ready for a review early next year. I've just taken on a teaching role as a supervisor to 2 groups of first year students on one of their modules and I'm also presenting at a conference next month. I just don't feel like I can do it! I feel too stupid and unintelligent and I seriously don't know how I even got this damned thing in the first place! I find myself looking at jobs online and thinking "I could do that" and wondering whether I should apply.

My supervisor is a lovely person and I really like her but she doesn't seem to give me any real feedback. I've talked to her about feeling like this but she doesn't seem to think there is a problem. I don't feel like I can carry out my research and I really don't see what contribution it will have, I can't stand the thought of sitting there in a viva and being asked questions that will make me seem like an idiot and worst of all I dread being asked in 3 years time what I've been doing with myself and not having any real achievement to show for it.

I am aware I'm being really whiney (sorry!) but am I the only person who feels like this? Is there anyone else out there who has had these feelings and gone on to complete? Is there any way I can get over it!?

Any advice very gratefully received :-(

======= Date Modified 05 Nov 2010 20:32:47 =======
======= Date Modified 05 Nov 2010 20:08:00 =======
Hi Lindalou
I had a better start as far as confidence goes than you, but now I am at a REAL LOW as my submitted thesis was *rejected* by one external examiner. I was informed of it over half a year after my submission.... I started my PhD with a hiss and a roar, things worked straight away in the lab, my proposal was done quickly and funding was obtained....I was pretty confident and won heaps of scholarships. But when we needed to pass on to the next stage of my research, the equipment needed was still not there! I also had a hard time personally right in my first year and spilling in to half of the second, because my mum got cancer and died after we cared for her for 7 months at my university house. It was real hard to get back to the lab, get on track, but when I was ready to go for it, we still didn't have the needed equipment, so I sort of did what I could in the meantime to get things moving. I couldn't get the results we dreamed of without this equipment, only a little sample of results, but my supervisors were confident that we had made a proof of principal and that I could submit. We had even published the first half of my results (the bit that we ddin't need that equipment for). But the examiners wanted to see more and better results and now I am expected to go back for 3-4 months NOW that the equipment IS available. At this point I am just so sick of it all that I do not want to stay in academia or be a top researcher, as my experience has shown me that I could hardly do that and be a good mum to my two kids. At first I enrolled because I wanted to carry out my own research projects, but I now have other priorities. So I don't know what will I do with the PhD even if I got it. And I can't downgrade to a masters (which I already have one of anyway) without applying and submitting for one. Also I am tired of having my work put down all the time by people with lack of common sense, as I have done an original and independent piece of research, but instead of just having one sample to show that it works, they want me to "collect them all". Collecting more results only strengthens what I have already proved, and makes things easier for the end user. I am also sick of trying to publish and being rejected for the same reason as the PhD was rejected, after my supervisors had given me the green light to submit a manuscript. Once you publish you have something for your CV, but you don't get an immediate benefit for it. I have two papers and none has given me a job yet (mostly because I have been studying for so long). That is to be seen yet. I also don't want to be questioned and put down anymore, I hate the idea of re-submitting and, if I am lucky, to go to my viva. I have had enough. So please think if you will be able to live with the constant struggling of trying to prove yourself to others (the academic world) and make it a way of life.

Hi Cookieloo,
Sorry to hear you've had a really tough time of it recently, and really sorry to hear about your Mum passing away. Have you spoken to your supervisor about everything you've talked about in your post?
I was really relieved to see other people have had similar problems to me after reaching this point in their PhD - I think my main problem is that I live a long way from university and I find it hard to stay motivated. I've had a look at jobs and I've decided I'm going to look for something part time and possibly drop my PhD to part time too, I anticiapte that my partner and I will get married and want to start a family in the next year or so and I have similar concerns to you about how I would manage this.
Anyway - if you need someone to talk to or just blow steam at please PM me - I've had the same problems support wise, I had every piece of work I submitted in the past year sent back to me heavily marked up, then once I'd made the amendments the same person would re-mark up things they'd told me to write! Highly frustrating and very discouraging - I definitely do not want to work in academia after I complete (if ever!)

======= Date Modified 21 Nov 2010 23:10:20 =======
Hi Linda,

I had my viva a few months ago so I am looking at things from the other end of the telescope to you. I just wanted to say three things in the hope that they might be helpful.

First, having a hands-off supervisor could be viewed as a luxury as without constant advice/bickering/surveillance you can really make this thing your own. I have the main parts of my thesis currently being read by Routledge and I think a large part of the favourable feedback I have had so far is because no supervisor crammed my work into that 'in this section I will show....what I have shown in this section" format. That is, what I tried to write was a philosophy book rather than a philosophy thesis; although it was queston driven. Of course the big problem with this freedom from close supervision is that it potentially - and this did happen to me - gives rise to a crisis in confidence as you can start to really doubt yourself; 'do I know what I'm doing', 'am I just an idiot', 'is this important and does anybody care about this shit anyway' etc. But negating these doubts is what this forum, postgrad conferences, peers etc. are for. At least in the first 18 months of my PhD overcoming this crisis was my most important achievement.

Second, and also at risk of bruising the self-image of many people who read this site, I wouldn't really worry too much about being or feeling 'unintelligent' or intelligent. I certainly don't think 'intelligence' is what leads people into academia. I don't consider myself particularly intelligent - I am a 40 year old carpenter who left school at 15 and grew up in a house without books - and the people that I have met in my life whose minds impressed or interested me the most I found most often in non-academic settings. In my limited experience as long as you can get your ideas across in text and get the canonical texts, concepts and methods of your discipline under your belt in such a way that you can come up with a strong and relevant line of questioning then it is not intelligence that is important for seeing your PhD through; it is primarily endurance and a small ammount of confidence.

Finally, another thing that strikes me about your post is that less than a year into your PhD you feel you need to have 2 chapters written; I submitted in July 2010 and I only had 2 completed chapters at xmas 2009. I could give myself this luxury of over three years of time to think through and experiment with my ideas before I finally committed to them as I had successfully kept my supervisor at bay. Admittedly this was achieved via a large ammount of dishonesty about the current state of my work which caused consternation among my supervisor's less laid-back colleagues who were worried about my progress and relieved when I passed the viva with only typos. It could be the case that you are shooting for too much too soon and putting too much pressure on yourself. Talk to your supervisor about slowing things up and if that doesn't work start bullshitting in the traditional student fashion; 'sorry I haven't submitted at chapter this semester... I'm too depressed at the moment....my uncle died...I have run out of funds and had to spend the last few months working' etc. etc. Just about everyone I know who has written a PhD has resorted to this sort of thing at least once. And one thing you can be sure of is that once you have been there a few years and passed your upgrade they really cannot afford to kick you out as it will damage their funding.

Sorry if this was waffley and that I used myself as an example so much. But I think I used to feel like you currently do at the beginning before I made the decision that 'fuck it, its my thesis, and as much as I can, I'll do it my way while trying not to question myself so much'.

Good luck.

======= Date Modified 11 Nov 2010 08:09:20 =======
Thanks biddysbottom that is a great post! Enjoyed reading that a lot, Thanks (up)