Hiya everyone - enjoying the sunshine?

I am now almost 3 months into my PhD, so far I have had about 3 weeks where I couldn't work due to picking up various bugs from my daughters nursery and my agreement to do 1/2 a days demonstrating in each week that i have 2 days childcare was a crazy mistake! My intention to work 3 days a week hasn't materialised and I confess I am beginning to wonder why I'm doing this.

I have attended a conference which I loved, was fascinated by the various questions people asked and I did (last week at least) want to make a go of it. This week with the sun shining and me missing my 8 month old baby very much indeed I feel as if i am drowning. I have been asked to do a presentation next week on my masters project but as yet haven't started that, and i am struggling to even remember what the various phd research questions were that my supervisor said were good.

I set myself the challenge to finish my draft lit review by the end of May - so about 8/9 weeks and even though i read lots of papers i can't seem to condense my thoughts. I have found some helpful advice online to develop my reading into a lit review but I can't seem to tie down the areas I should be reading about.

Another underlying ongoing issue is the health of my baby. Due to an error by medical staff she was born critically ill and it is nothing short of a miracle that she came home, so I have my head to get around all of that. My supervisory team are supportive when I have to take time off but I am just feeling pants.

Words of advice? Where do I go from here? I know I am capable of doing this project but I have lost my way somewhat, I feel I have a lot to live up to with agreeing to work part time in the office while accepting a full time schedule. I go to 3 days a week after Easter and no demostrating which I hope will help me, how much had everyone else done in their first three months?

thanks in advance.

Slow down and be kind to yourself...

You've not long started and the start can be overwhelming. Think about what is priority and break things down into little steps and it will seem less of a slog. Just knocking small bits off will make you feel better and and relieve some stress, allowing you to think more clearly about what next needs to be done.

Hi Hiccup

Everything is relative, I know but honestly 3 months is only a small fraction of what at best could be a 36-month PhD, and very often is quite a bit longer. You sound like you're being very tough on yourself and you should try not to be. It's the nature of the PhD beast that most (though not all!) of us lurch from crisis to PhD crisis. I thought "if only I could get my fieldwork done, I'd be sorted". Now I'm mid write up and am wistfully looking back on that time of my study when I felt I knew what I was doing!

I hope your daughter is recovering from the trauma of her birth. That and working part time as well as getting to grips with your PhD has been very stressful. Going to 3-days a week after Easter is a really positive step and should ease the burden considerably.

If that lit review draft by end of May is a self-imposed deadline I would rethink it. Sketch out a structure for it and aim to complete SOME of it by end of May. Setting smaller achievable goals is usually better than larger ones, which very often you will miss and then feel a complete failure.

If you're going ahead with your masters presentation next week I would make that, your work priority. Revisit that research, formulate your presentation and in doing so you might find you clarify in your mind where you are going from here.

Pace yourself over the next few years would be my advice (advice that I need to heed myself!!). Honestly, the sense of failure when you don't achieve a large goal you have set yourself is debilitating. Smaller goals which you can literally tick off as you go should make you feel better.

Hope you feel better soon

A

Thank you muchly, I have sent off a request for student counselling and see them next Friday to see if I am eligible for an 8 week course - hopefully this will give me a chance to vent and make my 'study time' into study time as opposed to web surfing time.

I also went for a walk at lunchtime with a post doc friend and she suggested writing down my three ares of research and treating each of them like my MSc, aims, objective, methodology, likely outcomes etc. What data do I need, What software/skills do I need - and this should give some form to my reading.

I've also told myself firmly that if I can skim read and highlight three papers I can collect my daughter early from nursery. Thank you Ady, she is recovering but we won't know how she was affected until she doesn't do something she should or does do something she shouldn't. She spent her first 72 hours in a coma and then 2 weeks in intensive care so its been a nerve wracking waiting game, especially for a first time mum!

You sound more positive Hiccup - that's great. Your postdoc friend gave good advice. Try it out and see if you can draw up a plan to work for you.

That sounds so traumatic about the circumstances of your baby girl. I really hope she will be fine.

Take things easy - three months in, you still have oodles of time ahead of you :-)

I would also recommend considering seeing the university chaplain, even if you are (like me) agnostic, or an atheist. They can relate really well to very serious health situations, and would be very understanding about what you've been going through with your daughter and trying to juggle a PhD as well.

I went to see my chaplain in 2007, after my consultant had said there were virtually no options left to try to battle my life-threatening (and used to always kill) progressive neurological disease. I tried the university counsellors first, but they couldn't understand the severity of what I was dealing with. But the chaplain was great. And because she had a PhD as well she could relate well to that side.

Good luck!

I can name (but I won't ;) about 7 other people (inc me) in my year (1st year phd, 6 months in) that will tell you they went through all of these emotions/issues. Even 6 months in the same things crop up every now and again and none of us even have a baby or partners to consider in the mix so you need to realise that a) what you're feeling seems to pretty normal for a newbie and b) you have done amazingly well considering the additional enormous stress you've been through with your baby.

My tuppeny bit advice would be 'Don't Panic' and like the others have said, set small goals. You're only 3 months in you've got loads of time to establish a routine that gets you where you want to be with your phd and let's you enjoy your precious time with your family.

Seeing a counsellor or chaplain is a great idea. Clearly, as your little one has demonstrated, resilience runs in your family!!

Just thought I'd pop back and say thank you to everyone who gave me a gentle push in the right direction.

My masters presentation went really well and I was asked by several people why I hadn't written a paper then and that I should do now, so it was a great ego boost if nothing else! I got to talk to quite a lot of different people about my research and came away feeling really positive. Even if I did quiver most of the way through cos of nerves! Also hadn't appreciated how long to took me to put the presentation together, a valuable lesson learnt quite early.

I finished my demo'ing work yesterday and so will now have 2 days a week to dedicate wholly to reading and writing (and 3 a week after Easter). I set myself the challenge to write 500 words off the top of my head about my research yesterday afternoon and I did nearer 1000, which when I read it back this morning did actually make sense! I booked a carrel in our library today, worked from 8.30 - 11, then 12 -2 then 2.30 - 5, all of it was productive reading and a faint outline for my lit review is beginning to form on paper rather than in my head.

We had burgers for dinner. Yum. I have also been taking fish oil which has sharpened my brain (IMHO) and the sun is shining.

The counselling will start after Easter, I think it will help & I am seriously considering see the chaplain as well. I've been asked to run a course before July, and had originally said yes but in fact I am going to make myself very unpopular and say no (only at draft stage at the moment). I need to focus, we're moving house too so that I am very close to campus and able to go back in the evenings. I am sure that this is only the beginning of a rollercoaster ride, but I *know* I'm interested in my research area and I *know* I can complete this project, I also seem to have found a comfortable place to work where I can concentrate. Now if I could just block distractions such as Facebook I'd be laughing!

Lovely to hear the update Hiccup - sounds like you are in a good place right now. :-)