Hi all. I'm at an Australian university and I've been trying to wrap my PhD up for YEARS. Every time now that I try to work on it, I have panic attacks or fantasise about dying just so I don't have to submit. We don't even have to do a Viva here! So what the heck is wrong with me?? I feel like a complete failure. I have no doubt that if I even do submit, the thesis will fail. I'm worried about what I'll do when that happens.

I'm at a complete loss. :-(

I can't calm myself down when I get worked up, but I'm hesitant to go to a doctor about it because I presume they'll just prescribe me Valium or similar...I can't work if I'm doped up on meds!

I just don't know what to do. I'm due to submit in March and I'm nowhere near where I should be...when I try to look up the requirements to submit, I have panic attacks and hyperventilate. I don't deserve a PhD. I'm starting to really hate myself and I can't talk to anyone about it. I've started to drink every night to pass out just so I don't have to deal with it.

Hello Helen,

I know this might sound really trite-but I truly don't mean it this way. You probably do need to seek some form of counselling or health care support-if the anxiety is really this bad. You have said though that you can't talk to anyone about it. I am guessing that the anonymity of this forum means that you are able to speak to others online but have not really discussed this with your supervisor? Is this a part-time doctorate or have you been enrolled full time and received a stipend/phd scholarship? By this, I mean are the anxieties partly due to having to submit and possibly failing and then having no income or are you okay financially (as doctorate is part-time and not your income stream) but instead really anxious purely about the thesis side of things?

Stop the drinking right now...it is simply masking all of the deeper issues. Don't beat yourself up about this just stop the temptation to drink to manage your stress and anxiety levels and find some thing to else to do so that you are distracted from the temptation to drown your anxieties in alcohol. Even if it is a lesser indulgence such as loads of tea, good icecream,hot baths, pacing the room and then really stupid dvd's to help you sleep-there may well be other methods-just giving you some of mine in the past.
Make an appointment to see someone asap...

You know a Phd is not the only thing in the world-even if you failed. All this says about you is that at this moment in time, you had some problems and were unable to obtain your Phd on present work. That's it. And you may not fail and there are
other options...you may be able to convert your thesis into a very satisfactory MRes degree if you choose and after a bit of reshaping exit uni life this way with a respectable qualification that most professional employers value fairly highly. (Even if it wasn't in the main area where you work).

You may be able to request an extension and using the support from your supervisor (or other uni personnel -such as student mentor, counsellors or advisor staff-if supervisor is not helpful), work out some way to finish this at a slower pace with some marked out steps and some respite to help you deal with anxiety issues. If this is not an option due to having had a few in the past-then discuss this with your supervisor and ask what your options are-take in a supportive person or student rep if you find it really difficult to have this conversation-just to help you through the process.

You could go to the doctor and request a leave of absence (sick leave-anxiety issues and disorders count for these sorts of purposes) to give yourself some time to work out how you will deal and cope with this crisis in your thesis.

None of these issues involve the personal judgement of whether you 'deserve' a phd or not. You were accepted into graduate research- fact. You deserve your place there-fact. You are having difficulties now-fact. None of this implies a judgement on your character or your actual intelligence or ability to research. However, it does sound very much like you really need some support to assist you at this really difficult time in your life and support to help you strengthen your coping mechanisms so that you can get through this part of your life.

I imagine others on this forum may have some insight and understanding to offer so this post is more to let you know- it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to be struggling at this stage, it does not mean that you are a bad person, a failure or ineffective-it simply means right now you are having difficulties and getting some constructive support is fine. Get that support- anxiety disorders can be hell!!! But from personal experience they can also be managed so that you can get back into some form of control over your life-and you can move on.

Best wishes Helen

Thank you so much for replying to me. It means a lot. I feel like some kind of freak right now who should just be locked up.

My fears are purely personal and academic. My PhD has been mostly part-time and I've worked through most of it. I've just had so much of my self caught up in academic achievement that I don't know what I'll do if/when I fail. Money is not a problem right now - well, it is. But I'm lucky to have step/parents who bailed me out if I get into too much money trouble. But work has been quite demanding and I've had a lot of issues personally.

I've taken all the extensions I could. I've had a lot of issues throughout - my father died, my step-mother had a nervous breakdown and involuntary psych hold, my marriage broke up. I feel so stupid and useless. I have 72000 words of what should be at least an 80K thesis and I'm just...freaking out. When I *do* work, I'm okay. But I just don't know how to get into that working space.

I have the research and I have 2 of 4 chapters that my supervisor approves of. The others are just awful, though. Supervisor has been AMAZING at helping me get extensions but to be honest - it might have helped more if he'd been firmer on deadlines.

I'm doing a Literature PhD, btw, heh. We're soft touches in the Arts.

I've had more time than anyone ever needed to finish, and I haven't. I am hoping to throw myself into it from tomorrow - I'm more of a panic worker than a steady worker, which doesn't help.

But when I fail, I don't know what I'll do. I'm going to go down fighting though, dammit.

I think I might try to see a counsellor. I sound hysterical even to myself. I just need to get over that line. But I freak out when I think about it.

Thank you for listening, I just feel so out of control. :-(

All of those issues sound like you have had to face many difficulties on top of the challenge and difficulties of the doctorate. You obviously have many strengths to have got where you are right now. However, when you say things like I feel like a freak, etc...this isn't true but it would certainly feed into your anxieties and make them worse.

I bet there are people on this forum- (the UK people still might be on celebratory mode-given the time differences) who have been exactly where you are right now and I imagine that many of these people will have some specific supportive advice that they can offer that will really assist you with the 'end of thesis-unhappy with writing- what do I do after this-what next? sort of fears that are cropping up right now.

You say that you are a literature scholar. Imagine your phd is like being Parcival or one of Arthur's knights on a quest for the holy grail- the grail being the thesis- the significance of the grail being what it holds- or what the thesis signifies. For you this means perhaps self-worth, identity, validation, acceptance into a community of scholars- the knights at the table...probably many other things. However, like all of the knights on the quest, you have to face challenges, ogres at every corner- and even when you think you are at the final parts, still one or two frightening monsters or 'fears' to face and go through. THIS is part of the challenge of the thesis...and like many of the knights on the grail...they took longer, had respite...found it difficult- thought they had got there and had to face yet another challenge right at the end. This is part of a life journey-which may be why it is so significant to you and there is no shame in undergoing the trials on the way. All of the knights-all mythic and fairy tale characters are given mysterious aid and invisible supports to assist them to achieve their quest-for you just some support from an empathetic person like a counsellor might just be enough to break down those fears- (overcome the dreaded challenge).

When you look at this in these terms- it seems sort of strange- but it makes sense as to why some of this strikes so deeply with post graduate students. Does this form of reframing help you feel less 'stupid' about your struggle?

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Yes. It does make me feel less stupid and actually, it makes me feel that little bit of inspiration again. This study is so important to me and I feel like I've sacrificed everything to get there - the idea that I won't get there just drives me crazy.

Oddly enough, a movie version of King Arthur is on here in Oz tonight. A dodgy version, but nonetheless! I will watch it. :-)

Thank you so much. I just needed someone to have a bit of sympathy and talk a bit of sense into me. I will drop the booze immediately and try to get on with things.

Can't guarantee I'll not make crazy postings again - but you have helped me so much tonight. Thank you again. I cried a lot today but I think I needed it!!

Oh - and - will definitely go to see a counsellor. You are very right about that. I just need a bit of help.

I started on anxiety meds part-way through my part-time humanities PhD. They helped me no end. I could still work on the PhD, but wasn't stressing about daft things (everything!) any more.

Seriously though go and see your doctor. There are things they can do to help. And although meds are good to be avoided, they can make a sudden difference.

Counselling is good too, but that's more of a long-term solution. But meds can help a lot in the short-term.

I'm due to submit by March too. It's my absolute university deadline, barring getting an extension. But I expect to make it. Good luck to you with yours.

Bilbo, do you mind if I ask what you were prescribed? I've had friends given anti-anxiety medication that made them half-asleep for most of the day - that's what I'm afraid of. I think I do need to go to the doctor, but if I can say what would be OK and what I want to avoid I would feel a bit better about it. I can't afford to be zonked out at this stage. :-(

And thank you - good luck to you too!

I was prescribed SSRI anti-depressants: initially Citalopram 20mg, but that caused severe constipation in my case (a possible side-effect which can occasionally happen) so I couldn't stay on that, and switched instead to Sertraline 50mg which worked as well on the anxiety but without the bad side-effect. Both prescriptions were starting doses, don't knock me out, and sorted out the anxiety. SSRIs dampen down the emotional response, but in a controlled way for me at these doses. I can still function well, and have virtually finished my PhD.

I've been on the Sertraline for a year now and it's transformed things for me.

Hi Helen! I really feel for you, sounds like you're having a really hard time right now. I have had long term problems with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety etc, and it can be so hard to get on top of things when you feel like that. Something I have had to come to terms with is that I will have to take medication for life, and I am as reluctant as you sound to pop pills every day just to keep my head straight. But I really think these problems do have a biological basis, and medication sometimes has its place and can help...it might be worth trying? I think the other thing would be to see a counsellor, as the others have said. I see one every week at the university counselling service and the support has been fantastic- I truly wouldn't have got through my BSc, MSc, and now my PhD without their ongoing help and support. Again, I don't like seeing myself as someone who 'needs counselling', but it has helped so much that I have had to shed my pre-conceptions about it. I think all universities have a counselling service and/or mental health advisors, so perhaps you could go talk to someone there? You need to get yourself feeling better before you can concentrate properly on your work, so make that the priority for a while and try not to give yourself a hard time about the work- easier said than done, I know. There's a lot of help out there though, and a lot of understanding people- I really hope you feel able to go and get some support with this, no-one deserves to feel so crappy. Best wishes, KB.

Hi Helen,

Everyone else has written really long and helpful responses so I don't think I have much to add, just want to say that I am sorry you're going through a tough time - I don't think many people who are outside of studying/academia really understand the emotional investment that goes into a PhD and how that can cause problems - this forum is really helpful in that case as you know you are not alone.

I'm only at masters level at the moment, I have always had terrible issues with anxiety and have had bouts of depression in the past, they seem to be coming back though unfortunately and I'm finding it hard. I really want and need to get myself sorted out before I hopefully start my PhD in Sept, I'm going to have some counselling in the new year and maybe go back on medication and give it another try, it didn't really work before though to be honest.

Good luck, I really hope you start to feel better soon. I would go and see your supervisor again, just so that he/she knows everything that is going on. And try not to compare yourself to other students when it comes to deadlines etc, I know its difficult not to put pressure on yourself but you need to be looking after yourself rather than doing that. Take care, Natassia xx

Hi, Helen

The drinking thing? Not good. And I know it must sound trite, but things will get better. Counselling didn't really help me, but I used the Samaritans on a regular basis at one point in time, and they were a wonderful springboard. Try and find someone to whom you can confide because in these cases, talking really can help.

Best of luck with things and god bless,

PGG

Thank you so much everyone - I am making a doctor's appointment first thing Monday to talk about what I might be able to do. I am also stopping all drinking until the damn thing is done.

I woke up with puffy half-closed eyes from all the crying but I do feel a bit better today, and determined. I don't know if I have any hope of finishing, but I'm going to give it a good try.

This forum seems awesome. :-)

I was in a similar position some time ago, and I was pretty frustrated about how late I was on my work, nothing seemed to get done. But somehow, it helped when I realized I just had to give myself some slack. Instead of thinking how useless I am, I started thinking about the reality, that I had been through hard times, and that this reaction was normal. Somehow, by just relaxing a bit, being „better to myself“ and just accepting that this would take longer time, things started moving again, and by the time I finished, I got very good feedbacks on my thesis.

So, my advice: be good to yourself and give yourself some slack, you deserve this after everything you‘ve been through! :-)

Hi Helen_G

I've been reading the posts here for quite a while, but yours has caused me to register! Like you, I'm at an Australian uni and I've been doing my PhD for years and years... :-(
It's been a seemingly never-ending marathon! Everyone has given you really good advice, but I hope the following might also help:

- See if you can 'stop the clock' - something my sups and others have advised me to do - ask your postgrad office about their policy on allowing you six months off. If you are able to apply, with your sup's approval, take the time off but (very important) carry on working on your thesis. This can give you extra time without too much stress on deadlines. In my case, it would have been useful to know this, as (wrongly) I continued my candidature during some stressful times, which in the long run added to pressure when completion time was looming.

- Apply for another extension (I think my applications for extension should be a world record, by now!). In my case, I did this by sitting down with one of my sups, working out which chapters were complete and what was left, then working out deadlines for completing each remaining draft chapter. At my uni, extension applications have to be supported by a statement and in this I set out my completed draft chapters, and remaining chapters with deadlines. This lets those in power know where you are at, what is left to do, and when you are aiming to produce the full draft. Also, if you are a 'pressure cooker worker' it helps; I am, so knowing that a chapter had to be produced by a particular date detracted from thoughts of producing what seems to be a massive 80K word thesis. Also, the closer you are to producing a full draft thesis, the less likely the uni is to turn you down or cancel your candidature - PhD completions represent income.

- You say your sup is happy to help with extensions, but you really need that 'oomph' to get you over the line. Do you have another sup at your uni? In my case, I had a sup who was happy to sign forms but not that interested in whether the thesis got completed. To reach your goal, you need a sup who is going to prod for work. My original sup is still there, but I gained two other principal sups who did the subtle prodding, and spent the time reading my drafts and giving feedback. It's not too late (truly) as my two principals were appointed very late in my candidature and only after I ended up having a talk with another academic. This strategy needs some diplomacy, however!

- Chapter structures - I've seen really good posts from others on writing drafts. What worked best for me was to use headings, subheadings and sub-subheadings for each chapter, so writing up had a bit of a roadmap of where I was going, and also detracted from thoughts of the 80K word colossus. Suspend the critical thinking part of your brain that wants to pick apart every sentence (easy to say!) as you need to get thoughts onto paper, then the finer edits can come late.

Hi again,

Some of my post didn't upload - first post, and over the word limit! Just extra comments: don't focus on submission requirements, but on completing your draft. And definitely consider seeing a counsellor or medical person for assistance with anxiety. All the best, Helen, and let us know how you get on,

NT