Hello Everyone,

First post here... I've looked at other posts, and most apply to women considering having kids, but for me it's my wife (so I hope I'm not duplicating an existing post).

I'm planning on starting a Eng PhD next year, but my wife and I are planning to have a baby soon. I think she can wait until I have finished my first year of classes, but after that I will have to work (about 20hrs/week), in addition to my studies. My wife will probably take the first year off to look after the baby, and go back to work after that.

I'm 34, and have a fair amount of industry experience. I've recently completed a master's. I'm taking time off to debate this decision, and find a research topic (if I decide to do it).

Are there any other avenues for funding? My program provides some funding, and RA/TAs. I've been told that if I find my own additional grants, they will just replace that portion of what the program gives, so there's no point in that.

I have done programming as a contractor, but there's a lot of uncertainty in that. And if I'm only working 20 hrs/week, there isn't much room for savings for those times I can't find a contract. I've also taught a few classes over the years, and could probably make $6k a year.

Any advice/experience on this would be greatly appreciated?

Thanks

A baby is a PhD in child development and completely absorbs the couple. I would advise against a PhD and baby combination. After I had my son my husband insisted on doing a part time masters, it was a horrible time for both of us for two years and caused much resentment in both sides, we survived but it left a mark for many years.
The issues were

For me
He opted out of child related tasks all the time to study, I suspected some of this was avoidance.
He was never available to share the stress of child caring as he disappeared to the library or spent time with single childless student friends.
His deadlines were priorities at times I had to sacrifice a lot and my own needs went unmet.

For him
The house seemed chaotic it wasn't but it certainly wasn't peaceful to study there so he had to leave to study which he resented.
He developed separate social lives one with other couples with kids, plus the student childless set.
The baby kept him tired all the time, when it was asleep he felt too tired to study, and resented having to study to a timetable dictated by a baby and wife.

The upside
He got his MSc
Our son is now 24 has left home and working
I've just started my PhD at 52
We've been married for 29 years

Good luck and my advice is if your relationship is very strong you could risk it, but it puts a very severe strain, and this should not be ignored.

I think the previous post has alot of relevant points well worth considering.  I have been doing my PhD for almost 6 years part-time and have had three babies along the way! For the first 3 1/2 years I worked fulltime while studying and it was hard with my on-call hours to fit the lab work and studying in.  After we got married and returned from honeymoon, I was pregnant and had DD1 in year 4. I took a year maternity leave and studied during the evenings and one afternoon of childcare a week.  Fortunately all of my lab work was done so just write-up to do. My hope of studying during naps didn't work out as I had other housework, bottles washing etc to do.  Evenings worked for me if hubby could deal with the baby should she get up, but I was very lucky to have a baby sleep from 7-7 at 12 weeks old. Shortly, I found out I was pregnant again (despite contraception) and this time it was twins.  No-one can prepare for the amount of work they make and life is a lottery with twins being more common than you think. Once they arrived I had three under 13 months and for four months I was a zombie (akin to many younger students but not PhD compatible).  Many times I thought I might have to give it all up, but for the niggling thought that I only had to write-up. I still have managed evening and one childcare session a week (so expensive) for studying which in my opinion is barely enough.  My hubby was/is very understanding as this is a short term thing (now submitted). I have felt frustrated sometimes that I would like to study but he doesn't want to deal with the babies all day on a weekend.  Sometimes my brain is all geared up to work but the babies have to come first, likewise they need you so you have to stop mid-work. It is not an easy option and my best advice would be to have a frank conversation with your wife about the childcare obligations prior to committing.  If she is the main earner while you study, you may be expected to shoulder the childcare.

As someone who went through PhD as a single lad, I'm not in a strong position to comment.

However, a neighbour twice attempted PhD part-time whilst raising a family. Both times, he had to pack in due to the demands of raising a family not allowing him enough time to do his stdies and research. Another lad had a young family the time I was doing my PhD. He got there, but after starting full time a year before me, he didn't get his PhD until two years after me. In the meanwhile, he started post-doc elsewhere whilst writing up and was fired for not promptly completing (his new employers told him to get sorted in five months).

I don't have actual figures here, however, the stress inflicted by the demands of a PhD on relationships should not be underestimated and the PhD has seen many couples go their separate ways. On top of this, I can't imagine anything more stressful than raising a child during it's first few years of life.

Think long and hard about this and ask youself whether or not you should wait until the children are older (say school age when you can get more time to yourself).

I came to college 20 years after leaving school. My hubs and I have always shared childcare as we worked in the same industry so we did opposites shifts for 16 years. I then left and worked somewhere else (but still managed to do opposite shifts, just about although sometimes it was by the skin of my teeth!). I then went to uni and completed my degree, masters and now am nearly finished PhD. We never had any childcare assistance and I/we got through it.

It is tough and sometimes you get so tired you can hardly stand but still, once there is give and take it can def be done. Also don't forget that although you need to work at your PhD, you don't (generally), have to clock in so your time is your own. Yes that means weekends, evenings, bank holidays etc but needs must, and if that's the way you can get it to work for you and your family, then work it should.

Although you need to think things through, my advice is don't over think it - who knows what's around the corner for any of us??

Good luck :-)

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I've thought about waiting several more years, but am worried that our kids will be too old to move, if we need to. We're planning on moving in the next few years anyway (wife's choice), so would rather do it when they are still young and I can finish my PhD remotely. I don't have the option of doing it part-time, and would rather finish it earlier. Also, I was offered a position with a supervisor who's very well known in his field, and would not want to pass this opportunity up.

At the end of the day, if it affects our growing family I would rather not do it. You have given me much to think about.

While the money is a practical concern, I have thought about all the issues each of the replies brought up. It does give me some comfort to know that they are valid concerns :-) I would hate for my wife to feel like her feelings are unmet, and will most certainly want to spend as much time with our kids as possible. I have read here that having kids really clarifies what your priorities are. I would I hope I don't loose site of what's important, my family.

The way I see it is that I'd rather tough it out for 4-5 years (wishful thinking perhaps) instead of dragging the degree out for 10 years or more. Although I know many people who are brilliant researches and took longer for various reasons, I would rather not.

I know I sound like I'm going back and forth, so pardon the flip-flopping. I have 2 conflicting dreams, PhD and a happy family. Timing is everything, I guess. I take comfort in hearing about people who do go back to school, like Snowdropbooks, and although I don't know if I would/could, it's good to know it is possible.

How about doing industry research without a PhD? I get the feeling it's possible but much more difficult, and there is a limit to what you can do.

Hi there

If this is what you want to do, if you have your wife's support, then do both - giving up your dream of a PhD may also lead to frustration and resentment at a later stage, which can put another type of strain on your relationship.

I am on the (very) wrong side of 30 and a mum of 2 fab kids (4 and 18 months), I do a PhD full time (back after a year out on mat leave for my 2nd year - fully funded) with some teaching duties and I do it all by myself (with a little help from my fantastic childminder). I won't tell you it's breeze , and many times I feel like giving up but showing a good example to my children (hard-work, determination, going for things and seeing them through despite difficulties, etc) is what drives me. That and I love my project of course... Plus I have a fab sup team, which I am very grateful for.

Of course, hols and many luxuries are out of the window but if you are sensible, you can get by. Also, your time with your kids is just that - they grow up fast and you should savour every second of it.

Sacrifices mean working late into the night (some people work at the w/e but for me it's extra special time with my kids so we mostly spend it having fun) - sometimes going on next to no sleep and dealing with life's many surprises on top of the work/studies can take its toll but you can get solace in reminding yourself that it is your choice, no-one's forced you into it and some have it much harder than that and can't do anything about it.

If you choose to go for the PhD and try for a baby (which could happen quickly or take a while - not an exact science unfortunately), make sure that all along the pregnancy (not always a fun time) and more importantly when baby is there, you do your fair share of baby-related stuff even if this means PhD stuff take a back seat for a while -being pro-active and showing that her and baby are still your top priority (as it should be) will hopefully mean that in return your wife will be more supportive and understanding on those days when you have to spend extra time on the studies.

It's not an easy balance to strike but, provided you have your wife's full and unreserved back up, is totally feasible - you just have to accept that you'll have your bad days: you can't be on top of everything all the time (I've become a lot less precious about housework for example...) and baby will come first under any and all circumstances.

Only you can make this choice and whatever you choose to do, best of luck.

Hi Monolithic,

I'm 40 and applied for a part-time PhD right a few months after having my daughter a year or so ago. My husband started his at the same time. We both have a full time job. It's do-able but really requires alot discipline (waking early, not going out much, using every moment productively etc etc). It is probably may be more financially and mentally worth while to take time out of work altogether and get it done faster. I am currently contemplating doing this.

For what it's worth, the fact that both my husband and I are doing it helps a lot as we spend together time whilst reading/writing. My daugher is now almost 3 and is very familiar with the words "computer" "university" and "literature review"!


Marie