Hi, I posted here about 2 months ago about how I felt about my PhD. I'm now 5 months into a criminology PhD.

Unfortunately things have not improved at all and now I feel even worse than I did from when I last posted.

Since then I have tried to throw myself into reading (which I partly enjoy) but when it comes to writing I just get 'stage fright', scared that what I'm writing is not good enough and is just waffle. I know I'm not the 1st PhD student to struggle but the way I feel now is just rock bottom, I have never felt so depressed in my whole life. I feel as if I've made the worse mistake of my life and now I'm suffering for it but I can't back out because I have nothing else to escape to. I risked quitting my job and now I've paid the ultimate price.

The little bit of confidence I did have when I began has all but gone. I resent getting up in the morning and now all I can think about is leaving and wanting to get my "old life back". I sit there at my computer trying to formulate and write an argument etc. but I just end up getting angry at myself and just pressing delete. What I do send to my tutors is never good enough and when I get the comments back I just feel utterly dejected. I just keep thinking "if I can't cope now what the hell will I be like when I'm trying to write my upgrade document". I've seen how much time and dedication my office mate has thrown into his and I feel the way I am now there is no way I can commit myself to that level of time and resources and be of any value.

I have so little faith in what I'm doing and I just get really embarrassed when I try to explain to people what I'm researching. I feel that it's just a reflection on how lowly I think of myself and my current experiences of my PhD so far.

The way I feel now is that I have to get out now before I get myself into more of a mess. I feel as if I'm completely out of my depth, as if I'm conference footballer playing in the premier league. I can work 12 hours a day every day but it would't be enough or good enough.

I want to know if anyone else has quit after 5-6 months and how they went about it and also how life has treated them since (and did they feel that quitting was too hasty and wished they stayed on).

The women I share an office with has been absolutely wonderful and she has tried her best to keep me positive, but i feel now that today was the last straw. I got to a point half an hour a ago when i just had a "NO MORE" moment where I just got up left my stuff in the office and just went back to my flat in near tears about to ring my parents and tell them that it was all over. I only stopped myself because i wanted to give myself a couple of days to really think and decide, but to be honest my mind is 95% made up.

I just don't know what to do, do I struggle and carry on and but feel utterly depressed or do I quit and just hope to God that I can find a job in this current economic climate...

Hi dotdot,

Very sorry to hear how bad you're feeling, and that it seems to be getting worse. I know this sounds very obvious, but have you actually talked to your supervisor(s) about this? I know that it is a difficult thing to bring up, but they may be able to reassure you that you are being too hard on yourself. Similarly, you could see a college counsellor. I know you said the woman in your office is being very supportive, but you should let your supervisor know.

ALso, if you do decide to leave then it's really not the end of the world. It will not make you a failure or any less intelligent or accomplished a person. You are not defined by your research and if it's just not for you then it's better to find out sooner rather than later. Not to say that you're not up to it, but you shouldn't feel required to stick with it just because you've started.

Dotdot681, I am so sorry that you feel this way. Might I just point out that I personally found the first 6 months the worst. The start is naturally going to be a tad unsure and scattered because you are not sure exactly what literature to consult and you feel overwhelmed if you think of the project as a whole piece so try break it down into bite-sized chunks. What I found helpful was to start with a 30 page document like 'I'm gonna write 30 pages on my project now' (didn't put in anything about methods just literature). I was able to eventually work out from the 30 page document what my major themes might be e.g. what will my first chapter be? what will my second one be? etc. Of course, I look back now and think how awful the 30 page thing was and I've dumped a lot of the lit from that and I've taken a few wrong turns etc but I think most of us do. It's a big asking and it's all your own original work whereas an essay is easier as you've been given a course outline with the relevant lit and you've been given a specific question so this is harder and as I said naturally more scattered at the start. It was that disorganisation that made me feel down so the cure was to just go for it and I found that *acting confident* worked. It's now the reality but you'll often here people recommend that if someone has a lack of confidence then *pretend* you're confident and it does work, even in relation to academic work or so I found.
I feel I've waffled enough. Just some food for thought. Maybe others will be more helpful. However, I will emphasise that you should look after yourself and take care. So don't take what I said as something you have to do, it's just my thoughts based on my experience. (up)

Hi DotDot681,

You are definitely not the first, or only PhD student to feel this way! Especially when you've left a secure job to start something as big and as scary as a PhD! Please be reassured that they way you are feeling is completely normal. I was terrified in the first 6 months of my PhD that I'd made a huge mistake in leaving my job and was so worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm now half way through my last year and I have a full draft of a thesis under my belt (bar the conclusion chapter!). So if I can do it, anyone can! As Lughna pointed out below, I think it would be a really good idea to sit down with your supervisor and talk to them about how you're feeling. They will be able to reassure you, or give you constructive advice.

Just a little aside - please don't compare yourself to other students - I tortured myself comparing myself through the first few months and felt like I was so behind! The truth is, each PhD is an individual project and progresses at a different pace. You might feel like you're behind now but in a few months you could feel completely differently. I know I did!

Finally, try not to think of the PhD as a whole goal to achieve. Set yourself little goals, as suggested below, like writing a literature review, a methods chapter, etc etc, and you'll get there before you know it.

If you really feel like you want to quit, then you need to tell somebody at the university, BUT I would say, especially in today's job climate, that you should find a job to go to first. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you quit. We're all here to talk to :-)

Hi Everyone.

Thank you very much for all of your advice. It's very kind of you to take the time to reply.

I've organised a meeting with my more 'approachable' supervisor to tell her I'm feeling (she's incredibly busy at the moment so I'm even more anxious to speak to her but I feel I have to get my feelings off my chest). I'm just going to tell her how I feel and that I have no problem with her or my other supervisor, just the fact that I'm not coping with the transition from work to academia very well, that I'm feeling utterly over-whelmed by the course and that I'm slowly but surely losing all passion for what I'm doing. I honestly have no idea how she will re-act; either she will re-assure me or tell me that maybe leaving is the best idea from looking at the standard of my work and how I'm currently feeling.

I rang my old manager and she said she would be able to get my old job back because a member of staff has moved onto another dept. and they have just won a big contract for more work and are looking for someone who knows what there doing to hit the ground running (I left my last job very amicably and my manager said if she could she would always have me back). Though the job would be low-paid admin, at least I could stay there and look for other work.

However, I keep having conflicting thoughts. the 1st half says "why am I putting myself through the mill everyday? I'm not enjoying this so why am I paying for it?" While the 2nd is going "Your being too hard on yourself, your tutor will probably tell you the same, if you quit your throwing away a good opportunity and you will have to go back to a job you quit to get away from in the first place."

But to be honest, I'm still 95% with thought one, depending on how my meeting goes with my tutor.

Utterly confused and still in the pits...

Hi Dotdot,

You're doing the right thing by meeting with one of your supervisors, perhaps this meeting will really make or break the decision for you. And just because you quit this PhD, doesn't mean you can't ever re-apply and do one in the future. It might be good to go back to work to figure out if this is really what you want. Do come back and let us know how you get on - how lucky that you have a job to go to!

Hi Dotdot,

just to point out that the first few months of the PhD can be overwhelming. It feels like climbing a very steep foggy mountain. I used to spend endless hours in the office feeling that I achieved very little at the end of the day. The older PhD students told me that this is a sign that I am progressing well. Sometimes I felt that it was so much work and my progress so slow that I would never finish. Moreover, recognition of all the hard work comes much later, and is therefore hard to keep motivation high.

Writing can be really hard and frustrating. Both my first and second publications were a bit more than 10,000 words and it took me a year to complete each. I was working long hours on weekdays and most weekends. Writing courses helped me become more efficient by planning the work ahead.

I don't think that there is an easier way, and it is not a reason to quit. Try to focus on small achievable tasks each day even this goal is writing one paragraph, or reading 2 papers. No reason to get depressed or desperate.

Good luck with your decision.

Hi Dotdot681, I do hope that things are becoming a little clearer for you now, but I read through your post and find myself agreeing 100% with what the others have said - the first year of the PhD (certainly the first 6 months) are just awful - the transition from anything to PhD is hell - I remember sitting and sobbing my heart out on a regular basis.... The thing is that every PhD is different, everybody's experience is different, and everybody has ups and downs. The ups are major highs (but short lived) and the downs can be really very down - I've lost track of the number of times I threw my toys clear of my pram to great effect ;-) I think that that is the main purpose of this forum - it can appear quite negative at times, so many people having such a hard time, but it is hard, its very hard, but its something that once you're done nobody can take from you.

Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd give everyone an update to what has happened since I last posted as all of you were very kind and thoughtful in reaching out with your support towards me and I thought it only fair to let you know what happened in the end.

I had a meeting with my supervisor at the end of June 2012 and after much discussion of how I was feeling and her thoughts upon my work (which she did re-iterate was good but needed considerable work to improve it) I decided in the end to leave the course.

My tutor was honestly sad to see me leave but looking back, I was suffering very badly with depression (I'm now OK to admit that I was suffering from an addiction to alcohol that was brought on as a way of coping with how I was feeling) and the day before meeting my tutor I had a nervous breakdown. My family were incredibly supportive and weren't angry at my decision to leave at all, they were just upset that I was feeling so low and wanted to get me back home. They were fantastic in helping me deal with my issues with alcohol and getting me healthy again. I was very fortunate in that my old manager did take me back and I can never thank her enough for that. Since then I have been lucky enough to be promoted in the company that I work for and I'm now in a very stable role that is challenging, but one that I do enjoy.

I'd like to thank all those who took the time to write me messages of support as I did read them all carefully and take them all seriously when considering my option to leave. I know I should of replied sooner but it has taken me a long time to emotionally deal with leaving the course and only now am I happy to discuss it with people.

Hello, I was not on this forum when you made your first post, but I wanted to reply firstly to say that I'm happy you are in a much better place, but also to say how good it was that you were able to follow you conviction, and have the strength to do that, and make what must have been a difficult, but the right, choice :)