======= Date Modified 15 51 2009 02:51:26 =======
I have an annoying problem with my principal supervisor. I am now about 3 years into my PhD (part-time). This supervisor has a very friendly personality and will always chat to his students and RAs about his life and various other topics. I responded in kind, and we formed somewhat "close" relationship. I am putting "" around close because we weren't exactly best buddies or anyhting but close relative to the average supervisor-student relationship.

All was well until I started hitting a rough patch with my PhD a year ago. I barely passed my viva and had some harsh criticisms. My supervisor was supportive but has visible distanced himself. He even said once something along the lines of "I made a mistake with you of becoming too much of a friend and not enough of a supervisor". This is completly fine with me, I was never friends with any of my other lecturers or supervisors, and it was him that initiated friendly dynamic and opened up about his life.

Anyway, I worked hard and my PhD started improving. As soon as that happened the supervisor was back to being very friendly, exachanging e-mails that talk about what he did on the weekend, funny stories about what happened to him that day etc etc. Since then I had few ups and downs and each time my PhD took a turn for the worse he would again distance himself again.

I am kind of sick of the push-pull dynamic and keep in mind that he never discusses my PhD problems at all, but "punishes" me by being generally distant (WTF?). My main problem here is that nothing is discussed openly but I instead have to guess how my PhD is going by his demeanor. Of course, sometimes he is just distant because he has other problems so it's hard for me to "guess" and read minds.

I would also prefer a consistent, distant relationship regardless of how my PhD is going rather than being friends or not friends on his whim.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on this problem....

======= Date Modified 15 Nov 2009 10:11:06 =======
Hi Lostinoz,

I experienced a very similar problem while I was studying for my MA. I know you don't build up the same relationship with an MA supervisor as you do (potentially) at PhD, but I can sympathise with your situation. To begin with, my supervisor was very hands on, very involved with my project, chatty and friendly etc. In our meetings we'd always chat for a while about things which were not work-related. Anyway, I started struggling with my topic, falling behind, and the more help I required from him, the further he pulled away. He started ignoring a lot of emails, or sending curt responses. He then became completely unsupportive and made it clear to me that I was a nuisance. His advice was far from encouraging and he stepped back entirely.
Of course, when I handed in my thesis, and did very well, his attitude turned around altogether. He was supportive and tried to be involved with my PhD applications etc. I have a new supervisor now and try to avoid my old one. (Well, not *avoid* him, but I treat him like any other academic member of staff). His influence and presence were destructive; I spent a lot of time worrying about him, and not enough just focusing on my work.
I've learned from this that not all supervisors have the best interest of their student in mind. Mine was certainly thinking about his own reputation etc. My new supervisor is nothing like him, but I'd still keep a polite, distant relationship with her, to avoid this kind of problem in the future. If they are prepared to turn around and abandon you when the going gets tough, they are not doing their job properly; the supervisor equivalent of a fair-weather friend.
My advice is to be formal and direct with him when he is pulling back, and when he is trying to be best friends, maintain the same demeanor.
Good luck, M.x

Oh, a supervisor can never be a friend, IMO. And you would not want them to be. Not in the same way that you have your other friends. Your supervisor is there to be objective and provide guidance for you on your writing. A friend is far more personally involved in a way that their advise is not so objective. A good supervisor relationship requires distance and boundaries, IMO. Its not so different than the issues that people have on the job about whether or not they can be friends with their work supervisor. Again, my answer would be the same. That is not to say in either case that relationships cannot be collegial--indeed they can, and should be, and learning to cultivate those is an important part of networking anywhere that you may find yourself--academia, or other work.

Your PhD is the central part of your life, perhaps, while to your supervisor its one of many things that they have to do. Your supervisor occupies more of your thoughts than you do of theirs, most likely. Which again is as it should be. Trying to determine how your written work is going from the demeanour of your supervisor is unfair on you--your supervisor should provide enough clear written comment and verbal discussion directed to that point that you are not left feeling as if you have to play guessing games.

In my past life, I had a job supervising a small office. One day I came to work a bit tired and distracted from personal/family issues and a big pile of work deadlines. So, to focus my own work, I shut my office door. ( something I did rarely) This caused the person working next to me ( that I supervised) to think I was mad at him and that his work was bad. He had just started the job and was on probation. He worried all day, until he finally knocked on my door and wanted to know what he had done wrong!!!! I was o.0. that he had felt like that, so we had a discussion on things--that if I had a problem with his work I would bring it directly to his attention, and not leave him to guess signals like shut doors--and a shut door was just that--nothing to do with a message I wanted my employees to get!!! Same with your PhD supervisor--unlikely he/she is trying to broadcast nonverbal signals to you with the hopes you get a message on your work. Yet its easy to try to read the supervisor's demeanour for clues--and probably ( but only guessing) most likely if you are not getting adequate feedback in other forms. So its left you guessing, and you try to glean the information however you can.

I prefer a business like and distant but collegial relationship with my supervisor, a fairly set agenda when we meet, and follow up notes to confirm the discussions and plans ( even if its me sending the confirming email). It keeps the lines of communication clear, and it also provides a record of what was discussed, if you or the supervisor need clarification on that down the line.

Don't leave up to the supervisor to set the boundaries of the relationship. Establish your own. If you want a business like but collegial relationship, set the tone for that. Don't share more than superficial personal stories. Certainly don't ask for guidance on personal issues, such as boyfriend/girlfriend, wife, husband, kids, whatever. Confirm your discussions with a short but polite email. Bring your own short agenda to the meetings you have with the points you want to cover. If you are not getting sufficient feedback in writing and verbally in meetings, bring that up as a point to discuss--improving communication as the goal.

Hope that helps!

Thanks for your posts guys.

I am aware that quite a few times supervisor has personal problems and is distracted. But my supervisor is also very two-faced, passive-aggressive and avoids confrontation at any cost.

There is also a really big difference in how he acts towards me if my PhD is progressing well vs if it is not. If it were just him being distracted by other issues, his levels of "friendliness" would not change that much. Example: if my PhD is not going well and I e-mail to ask to set up a time for a meeting and he is busy he will reply with short "I am busy this week, let's meet next week." If my PhD is going well he will reply with "I am sorry but I am busy this week. I am so very annoyed that I have to do X and meet with Y." then he will proceed to give me the exact details of his week ahead and share a funny story or two about something that happened to him or his family. He would also share exactly why he is being distracted etc. The pattern is so clear that it's impossible to miss.

Also, he independently told me about him being too much of a friend to me, so he is obviously aware of some sort of boundary problem.

I guess my main issue with being purely distant and proffesional even when he attempts to be friendly is that it will only hurt me in the long run. He is my supervisor with so much power over my PhD that I am afraid I will piss him off and receive less help.

Olivia, I re-read your post again and you have certainly given me something to think about.

Just to add that when he is being distant I have never asked him why or if it's anything to do with me. I pretended not to notice. So he came up with "too much of a friend" comment by himself on at least 3 occassions.

It is also possible that when I feel confident that things are going well PhD wise, I am less sensitive to his actions.

Well, if he has this hot and cold pattern, no need to buy into it. And do not give the sup more credit than they have over the PhD. Its YOURS. If he emails back and says not this week, then fine, just email back, and say, "I am free these dates and times, next week, do any of these work for you?" I would not respond in kind to his funny personal stories, just stick to the business of the PhD. Support? Do you have a second supervisor? Use more of them if you have one. If you don't have one and uni regs allow for one, ask for one. Do anything to try to break this weird relationship pattern your sup is setting up. Its not a healthy one for sure.

Again, its just my own opinion/experience--so take it for what it is worth--but I think the more independently you feel you can produce your thesis the happier and healthier your own PhD experience will be. If the supervisor is on some weird power trip, all the more reason to distance and find your own feet, to the extent your uni environment, PhD research and circumstances allow. I didn't tend to ask my supervisor for permission on things, as this empowered him in a way I did not feel appropriate--so I would tell him what I had planned, ie. conferences, or whatever, and then carry on. If this caused him problems, I was never told about it, and so I never worried. I figured if he was not happy with that way of doing things, he owed it to me to say.


but--each PhD, each uni, each supervisor, will have different expectations and breaking points. But to the extent you can keep your sup at a healthy arm's length, then do so. And then try an out of sight out of mind approach. If the sup is not in your vision, do not think about them, save for the emails or necessary communication.

Well, if he has this hot and cold pattern, no need to buy into it. And do not give the sup more credit than they have over the PhD. Its YOURS. If he emails back and says not this week, then fine, just email back, and say, "I am free these dates and times, next week, do any of these work for you?" I would not respond in kind to his funny personal stories, just stick to the business of the PhD. Support? Do you have a second supervisor? Use more of them if you have one. If you don't have one and uni regs allow for one, ask for one. Do anything to try to break this weird relationship pattern your sup is setting up. Its not a healthy one for sure.

Again, its just my own opinion/experience--so take it for what it is worth--but I think the more independently you feel you can produce your thesis the happier and healthier your own PhD experience will be. If the supervisor is on some weird power trip, all the more reason to distance and find your own feet, to the extent your uni environment, PhD research and circumstances allow. I didn't tend to ask my supervisor for permission on things, as this empowered him in a way I did not feel appropriate--so I would tell him what I had planned, ie. conferences, or whatever, and then carry on. If this caused him problems, I was never told about it, and so I never worried. I figured if he was not happy with that way of doing things, he owed it to me to say.


but--each PhD, each uni, each supervisor, will have different expectations and breaking points. But to the extent you can keep your sup at a healthy arm's length, then do so. And then try an out of sight out of mind approach. If the sup is not in your vision, do not think about them, save for the emails or necessary communication.

Gahhh, sorry for the double post!!!!

Oh yes, it is possible you have read things into his actions, when you are feeling sensitive--in need of more feedback,I would say...so if you are left guessing, you try to fill in the information however you can, and if that means reading the nonverbal signals of the sup, then thats what you do. I take that back to faulty communication. You should never feel unclear about what the sup thinks of your progress and your work to the point you have to guess...and if you do feel this, the sup owes you clear direction ( preferably in writing, so you can have it to refer to, and which also lessens the chance of not being on the same page as to what comments mean) and guidance on the PhD. If you are left feeling like you are guessing, your sup has failed to live up to their role. Well, IMO. :D

And it sounds like your sup is unable to know where to draw boundaries, judging from the remarks he makes about being friends...he feels lost perhaps on how to manage interpersonal relationships...which is perfectly natural and human. We all get lost with this from time to time. Which gets back to--you set the boundaries you are comfortable with or need--and maintain them. Be neutrally pleasant all the time.

But don't take your sups issues as your own. His inability to gauge how to manage the interpersonal relationship between sup and student/friend-not friend is not YOUR issue. Its his and as a sup he needs to sort this himself.