Hey
I'm currently worried about one of my supervisors... I know everyone's relationship(s) with their supervisor(s) tend(s) to vary a lot, and really don't want to over-react here, but, over the year I've had him as a supervisor, though I think he is basically a nice person, I have sometimes found mine really makes me feel uncomfortable. Early on he asked me to add him on MSN, explaining that he prefers to use it as he finds it more friendly than emails and means he can chat through it in the office without disturbing anyone. I added him, but over the last year he's done and said things, both through MSN and in actuality, that I suppose I've found inappropriate and on occassion, in all honesty, a little creepy.
I often work at night and used to leave myself signed in to talk to night-owl friends and check emails... he noticed, also starting to email and sign in to message me at night, or if I wasn't online, asking me to sign in. It would be really long to detail the whole here, but there are quite a few people in the lab he has upset, which led him to believe everyone is against him. After a few of these people stopped talking to him, he not only continued to message me, though I eventually stopped leaving myself signed in and severely restricted my time online, but also started asking me to go for walks with him to talk about my research, which never seemed to actually get round to my research (instead he generally started really random conversations, complaining about my other supervisor etc).
Just recently he's also started to make comments along the lines of telling me what to do in my personal life. For example, he knows I often visit my family on weekends... and thinks this is too often for me to be visiting... so now keeps telling me I shouldn't be going home so often!? Anyway, I guess the main reason I'm posting is I really can't decide whether I'm the one with the problem i.e. whether more objective opinions than mine (i.e. yours) would tell me I have a supervisor who is basically just trying to be a friend/friendly and I'm being too strict in my image of how supervisors should be with their students, or whether other people (i.e. you again) would also find this behaviour odd from a supervisor????
Sorry to prattle, but would really appreciate anyone else's views on this... just hope this isn't too rambly to make sense of :$

He definitely sounds creepy and I think your instincts are right. How long have you got left? He sounds like someone who has no idea about normal social boundaries and is unable to read social cues that would normally prevent inapropriate behavior. It seems like you are doing the sensible thing trying to neither encorouge him nor piss him off. But if he ever crosses the line you should tell eg your other supervisor.

Sorry to say there are quite a few socially challenged supervisors around.

Sounds perfectly creepy. I have no issues about spending a lot of time discussing your research, intellectuals (students and profs) can often keep emailing replies discussing single sentence in a single paper, but that's hardly what the case is here. again, going for a coffee to mull over something...anything, your developing CV or your project, or discussing their research or your research: perfectly possible. But Iming late into the night on apparently nothing! NO. About commenting on visiting your folk: well, sups often keep an eye out over young students, to ask if they are well and if things are fine, or find out if they've recovered from an illness etc etc...but I dont know if asking you to stop visiting your folk is rational! They're your family, and you've every right to visit them as often you please :)

Good luck, and best!

I think it sounds creepy too. Could you gradually try to get your sup/student relationship back onto a more formal basis, without upsetting him or him even noticing you're doing it? No more messaging him at night so he gives up on that, and just meeting to discuss your research within the actual college building in normal working hours instead of going for walks. Advising you to see your family less often I find rather odd - what would he prefer you to do instead? If you're keeping up with the work why should it matter to him? However nice he may (or may not) be, he's not your friend, he's primarily your supervisor and it sounds like he's got the boundaries of that working relationship really mixed up. Can you find a way to extract yourself from this before it starts damaging your PhD work, or the whole situation gets so weird it becomes overtly unpleasant to deal with?

This does sound a bit odd. Don't use MSN, but can you remove him from your list, or start a new one and transfer people you do want to be in contact with? Second idea might be best if you can do it then he won't know, you can just say your system is being wierd. Make him use e-mail and make it your university account. That way you will have a record at the uni of what he is saying to you. Do not 'go on walks' to discuss your work, that is not on. If he asks again just say you do not feel it is a productive method for you and would prefer to discuss things in a more formal setting where you can have notebooks to record his comments. If he keeps on about what you should and shouldn't be doing, just tell him (politely) it isn't any of his business. Has he been supervising for a while? If not he might not have got the idea that supervision and friendship are not the same you have a professional relationship. My supervisor is nothing like that, I like to think we have things that unite us, obviously he feels quite passionately about my area of study, and is as friendly to me as he is to everyone else, but friendship is the relationship I have with fellow students. When I have finished my studies my super and I may become more equal, (but of course he is way up there with his knowledge and I'm way down the bottom at the moment) but I think it will be more as a professional acquaintance than as a friend, and there is a distinct difference even there. There needs to be a bit of space between you for the supervisor system to work and he appears to be overstepping themark. If he doesn't change his ways you may have to be more forthright, which is why you need to keep hold of the e-mails he sends. Don't let him get to you and spoil your research experience, if he is one of a few supervisors for you , make his contribution as small as you can - this may depend on your area, so may not be that easy, and if necessary ask for him to be taken off the team.

I agree with everyone else...it sounds creepy, and it does indeed cross the student/supervisor boundary.

I remember Olivia (where is Olivia these days??), wrote a very good reply in another older thread about keeping to professional boundaries with all work colleagues.

I would also recommend removing him from your MSN Messenger service, or at the least put him on 'ignore'/'invisible' during the evening and nighttime.

Of course, you have to be careful not to appear to give him the brush-off, or he make turn against you, particularly if he thinks 'everyone is against him'.

Maybe there is someone else in the faculty that you can confide in, and just drop a passing hint that you find him a little over-familiar.