Hi,
I'm due to start a Ph.D next week at the university of Edinburgh, I've been up here a little while now just getting everything sorted and getting to know my new flat mates etc but I'm really not sure this is what I want anymore. I worked full time over the summer and feel like maybe I'd prefer to go into the world of work rather than a career in academia, I love my subject but just don't know if a Ph.D is really going to be for me, another big factor is that I have a girlfriend back home and the whole distance thing is completely killing me right now, and I feel like I just want to move back (soppy I know). Does anyone have any advice because right now I really don't know what to do...

Well..you could give it a try and see how you get on, you might enjoy it! I'd suggest making an action plan so if you don't like it you know where you are going and what you might be doing and then look at if you could do that long term! don't just jump into something to get out of your current situation!
Good luck xx

Hey Leighmo,

What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal, everyone goes through the same feelings before starting a PhD and anything else that's new and unknown. You say that you don't know if a PhD is for you, but to be honest, no-one does until they try it. If I were you, I think I would at least try it first. You might start and completely love it, and all the negatives; being away from home, your gf etc, will not seem so bad. I think if you quit now (if it were me) then I'd always be thinking 'what if...?'
However, you might start and totally hate it, the missing home and your girlfriend may get worse, and so you'll then know that this is not the path for you. At the same time, there are many people who quit PhDs and then go on to start again some place new or on a different subject, so all is not lost.
But my advice for now would be to give it a go, at least give it a few weeks/ months. Home, your girlfriend, friends and family will all still be there in a few months time if you do decide it's not for you.
But we've all been there, felt the same feelings (still do to be honest, and I'm 8 months in!) and had the same worries.
Good luck with your decision, hope it goes well for you!
S x

Hey man, I'm from Edinburgh!
I did my undergrad there and also attempted a doctorate (quitting in the end!). Just do whatever's right for you, life's too short! If you want to work in academia after the PhD then do it - otherwise be with your girlfriend and get a job! I'm back in proper work and it's just where I belong - took me a while to realise!
You'll know what's right as after a little while, if you're still feeling miserable, then it's probably not for you. Maybe give it some time, think it over. Don't make any rash decisions, just do what makes you feel right.

======= Date Modified 11 Sep 2009 09:08:15 =======
Hello

I'm nearing the end of my PhD now and I have to say I shared exactly the same feelings as you before I even started. Dealing with a long term relationship and having to cope with the distance was a strong factor in my thinking in terms of not wanting to take on a PhD.

In the end, at the time, my partner of five years decided to end our relationship whilst I was in my second year of a PhD. I was completely devastated, I failed the upgrade and was very close to booted of my PhD. I passed my upgrade in the end with a lot of hard work and perserverance. I haven't really recovered from the break up and even now, I'm still very broken up inside (partly because he is still such an important person in my life and I've yet to achieve closure from him). I totally blamed myself for the break up. I blamed myself for making the decision to do a PhD as he was (and still is sad to say) everything to me. I can be very hard on myself and I hated myself for making the decision to take on a PhD. I know in reality our relationship wasn't perfect, ie couldn't be bothered to visit me at all (he was always busy), return my texts and calls most of the time. I couldn't shift the thought that if I had only stayed at home, or stayed within the work place, things may have been very different. He ended things because he wanted to focus on himself as he felt very inadequate in terms of his own career progression. He kept comparing himself to me. He has yet to finish a degree (and I have nearly four degrees) and seemingly in comparision seem to have things all planned out for me.

I've yet to finish my PhD (not sure if I'll ever get there, let alone pass the viva) but if I could do it differently, I would have stayed at home and perhaps take on a PhD near my home address or most likely, get a job! At the moment, my PhD is has brought me more negativity than anything, but that might be because I'm struggling to stay motivated and I really dislike the writing stage. It's made me at times very unhappy, tearful and envious of people who have decided to work rather than take on a PhD. On the flip side, it has opened up many doors for me in terms of job offers (I start my new job on Monday). At the end of my PhD, the only positives I can see right now is that it has helped me with job prospects after PhD, has cleared my debts and I know I've developed in confidence etc etc. I don't know what will happen in the end, but hopefully, things will work themselves out eventually.

I don't know if any of ramblings are helpful to you?!

I would give it a go and see what happens with your PhD. A PhD is a very hard thing to do as it is and you will need supportive friends and family to take you through it. If you gave it a go, at least you could say you gave it a go and you will not have any regrets about not taking up the offer. Living off PhD funding isn't much fun either- but there are ways to gain extra cash etc to surivive on. My partner was my best friend and he and his family were like family to me which is why it was so upsetting to lose him. A PhD isn't for everybody- hence the large drop out rates, but it can have its positives (although I can't really see them now!).

Also bear in mind that PhDs usually go beyond 3 years, (mine certainly will) so it will take a lot of time out of your life.

I hope this is helpful to you! I'm sorry if my post is rather negative. There are good things about a PhD, but there are some serious drawbacks to a PhD and I think if I had the choice, I definitely would have done something else- but that's how I feel now. IF I pass and IF I get through this PhD, I might see things a little differently in a few years time.

Hi Pineapple

I don't mean to be critical, and only the two people involved can ever know what really goes on in a relationship, but don't you think you deserve someone who would visit you and return your calls and texts? You obviously cared about this person - and still do - but from what you've said, he sounds really selfish. And it's also not a recipe for success when one person feels inferior to the other and is insecure. You are definitely too hard on yourself and shouldn't wear the blame!

Tell yourself that you will finish your PhD, pass the viva, and then a whole new world will beckon! And as you've mentioned, you might find that you've grown a lot living away from your old ties, and completing something as massive as a PhD. You are doing well!

I agree with the others - give it a go!!! You'll never know til you try and if you give it up before even beginning then you're gonna have your whole life wondering 'what if' and that's no way to live. If your relationship is strong it will survive this and make it stronger - if it can't survive then tbh it was never meant to be - I know that sounds harsh but its the truth of it. It will all be fine, think how incredibly proud she'll be of you when you complete this and she's with a doctor :-)

Pineapple oh hon, as has been said, you deserve so much more - if you'd been at home this would still have happened, you know that in your heart. If somebody isn't prepared to be there for you and be in contact then well...... You WILL finish, you WILL have a whole new life and you will be so insanely proud of yourself that you did this even with all that sh*t being thrown at you. If you can do this you can do ANYTHING!

If this PhD was 5 mins away from your girlfriend's place back home, would you then have done it?

If yes, then do know that what you're feeling has nothing to do with not wanting a phD.... it's the other stuff...

if you had a lovely job, not in academia, and it was 500 miles away from your girlfriend, would you have happily taken it?

If no, again, it's not the academia/non academia issue that is the real problem here...

I thought these two are instrumental questions in this context and may help you sort out the tangled problems....

good luck!