I've read a lot of posts where people write 'thank god my partner/bf/gf is so supportive when it comes to the PhD' etc etc - does anyone have an unsupportive partner?

I'm finding my partner's lack of support very discouraging. I'm working full-time and doing the PhD part-time as something of a 'hobby'. It's probably not going to dramatically further my professional career, but I really want to complete it. But I'm finding that I have to snatch a few guilty hours here and there because any long stretch of work is regarded as a waste of time by my partner - time she feels would be better spent with her, with our friends, or helping out in the garden etc.

I suppose my question is: what would you say to someone who regards your PhD as a six-year-long waste of time? Do I lay down the law and demand a block of sacrosanct uninterrupted PhD time every weekend? Wait until she falls asleep every evening to rise, zombie-like, to work at the computer?

Thank goodness for the anonymity of internet forums - I needed a chance to vent!

I find this quite intriguing, as a person who has moved away from home (all friends and family) and is stuck doing it alone in a new city, I often dream of having a partner for support in this, at times, challenging task. However, your post makes me think that it could be worse, as I do have support from home, albeit 1000's of Kilometres away.

I think ultimately, if you value the experience and it means something to you then your partner should be supportive. Maybe she doesn't see it that way? I would try to explain the situation to her in these terms and she what she has against it.

My ex boyfriend used to be like this (and even worse). He was a doctor and he believed that only doctors work, despite the fact that I am working FT and doing a PT PhD. So, whenever he came home, he was turning on the TV very loud and demanded to be served! As a result, my PhD was suffering because I didn't have time to work.... But I am not a maid and I do have other things to do! Things that are important to me and for which I demad some respect!
So....we broke up!
I have all the support I need from my family and my friends.... I really hoped that I sould have his support, but it wasn't meant to be!

======= Date Modified 31 Jan 2011 11:09:26 =======
By the time I was doing my PhD, I was a few years post-divorce--and the PhD one of those things I decided to do because I could do it whilst single--trying to do it whilst married would have been a nightmare at least in my particular situation. I think that partners should support the pursuit of the PhD (or whatever dream a person has) because if they love you--they will love what is important to you and support it for no more than that reason--it matters to you. If YOU and your dreams take a back seat in a relationship ( cleaning the bathroom mirror is supposed to take precedence over your studies, or whatever your dream is) then I say there are many relationship problems afoot. Yes, the house and basic chores need to be maintained, but a supportive partner would understand the need for sancrosanct blocks of time to spend on the studies. Its all a balancing act, and if you are doing a PhD with a partner, the partner needs to get on board with it all.

Whilst a supportive partner would have been nice during the PhD, I did not miss an unsupportive one. On the whole, I was glad to do it unattached--even though I was thousands of miles from home in a new city, where I knew hardly anyone!

======= Date Modified 31 Jan 2011 11:50:54 =======
It sounds to me like the issue isn't the PhD itself but rather that it is some problem of hers. Would she react the same if you had a different hobby? Everyone should have the time to pursue hobbies, to better themselves, etc. As long as its within reason (e.g. you still find time to pull your weight around the house and you make an effort to spend some time together) I don't see what the problem should be. I'd find it hard to deal with someone dictating to me how I should be spending my time.

My OH spends Saturday mornings at guitar class, afternoons at the gym and we spend time together during the evenings. It wouldn't even occur to me to think anything of it. So no, expecting uninterrupted PhD time isn't unreasonable.

I am working on the assumption that you don't have children, though, in which case I guess it would be different.

======= Date Modified 31 Jan 2011 11:59:41 =======
Actually I think describeing a part-time PhD as a hobby is a bit understating the effort and commitment involved. It tends to require about 5-6 years, of constant dedication, week after week. It's not like another hobby that can be dropped for a while. It's a huge commitment.

If it was me I'd be stressing this to the partner, while at the same time commenting on other things they do in their own time. I certainly wouldn't stand for anyone telling me what to do.

With my part-time PhD I had just 5 hours total a week by the end. But my hubby was perfectly happy for me to wander off every night about 8pm, and put in an hour's work in the study. He just got on with other stuff. It helped he has a PhD though (full-time), so knows what's involved.

Good luck!

I have a little bit the same issue. My hubs works full time and is also finishing a PhD. But I work part time as an RA and am finishing my PhD. I'm committed to mine and want to get it done, so I would like every spare minute to do work on it. He'd prefer to come home and watch tv - the catch being I *have* to sit next to him and watch it with him (no matter how dull it is).

So the compromise we've made is that I will spend 'quality time' (urgh hate that phrase) with him if he decides on soemthing to do for a shorter amount of time. E.g. go to the cinema, for a meal, watch a film, but then I have time to concentrate on my PhD - so the time together is focussed, we both appreciate it and then move on to do other stuff, so its the best of both worlds.

======= Date Modified 01 Feb 2011 10:33:54 =======
Hi Heb

Life sounds tough at the moment.

I would have to say that my hubby IS supportive but unlike Sneaks' he is not an academic so sometimes he doesn't really understand the all-consuming nature of it. Maybe (trying to be fair) your partner is the same? Perhaps if you asked your partner to go to dinner one evening to discuss it rationally it might be better than what I feel is coming through your post, ie you feeling very annoyed about her lack of support, bottling it up and then probably exploding every so often. A PhD is very different from a primary degree and most master's and I feel it's this aspect that those outside academia just don't get and being fair, why would they? It's like some sort of secret society where only those of us on the inside really know what's going on. She's probably proud as punch that you're doing a PhD; it's just the actually 'doing' the PhD that's the problem.

It's a difficult situ...

When I was doing my PhD many moons ago, I was living with my then boyfriend for part of it. And he was the most unsupportive, ungrateful b*stard that ever did roam this earth. As I used to work from home a lot (we had massive open plan office and I was near girl with foghorn voice so couldn't concentrate), he seemed to think that I would just do all the housework and cook his dinner and sort all the bills out and everything. As if my PhD was some little pet project or just a little essay to write.

It sounds as if there is a common theme through some of the posts - partners who haven't experienced a PhD often don't understand that it is a full time job but more than that it's an all consuming full time job. You don't just switch off when you leave the office.

SO he'd moan when he had to make his own dinner or when I'd ask him to put the washing machine on. Always the same argument "you'r;e here all day...". So? Okay so sometimes I would watch Jeremy Kyle and play computer games but that's not the point! I'd also sometimes work 100 hours a week because I was "in the zone" and my creative juices were flowing.

So in answer to your question, yes, put your foot down about it - communication is vital in any relationship (preferably with each other directly and not finding out via mutual friend that your sh*thead of a partner is trying to arrange a threesome with the couple down the road). But don't just put up with it like I did. Relationships are about equality, as much about what you want out of life as she does and she needs to understand that compromise.

(turkey)

Haha - glad I'm not the only one who has had this problem! No, she's not an academic - we're very different people, which is generally a good thing! We have a great relationship in all other respects – the PhD is one of very few sticking points.

It looks like reserving myself some sacrosanct PhD time is the way to go. Thanks for all your comments!

I have an unbelievably supportive fiance. He fully understands that I can't just 'switch off' from my PhD, he is there to celebrate my good days, and comforts me when I've had a bad day, which makes me realise that there's more to life than my PhD.

But, he would NEVER discourage me from working on my PhD- if I need to work on it, he will make himself busy, which frequently involves him sitting in our bedroom upstairs on his xbox, because I work in our lounge and get disturbed by the tv. He would never consider my PhD a waste of time, because he is fully aware of how important it is to me, and he sort of understands it. I guess he is understanding because we did our BA's together, so he knows what uni involves, but he hasn't done a Master's or PhD, and isn't planning to.

If I didn't have a supportive partner, I don't know what I'd do. The PhD is difficult enough without having to explain yourself to your partner!