Sorry lads and ladies but just need to vent!
I came to a decision about 4 months ago to finally ditch the PhD and finish as a Masters. Now, I think that I am even incapable of doing that and just want to ditch the whole thing as I am in fairness in the darkest hole of despair!

At the moment, it is sheer hell and only going thro' the motions and stuck between trying to find work in the worst recession and somehow trying to look at material which I have absolutely no motivation for.

Worst thing is that I do have a long term goal of getting a H-Dip in the next few years, but at the moment, my own self-worth is zilch (by my own admission I was in denial but no doubting that this is the worst I have felt in my life ... head is all over the place between the Masters, trying to find some semblance of work and just general feeling that I have wasted 4-5 years of my life). Bro hit it on the head saying I judge myself as a person because I am so stuck in academia.

Sorry for being a downer at the onset of the weekend. I am getting medical help but confidence/mood is so low that at times I am nearly wondering do I need to be hospitalised!

You are being too hard on yourself - ease up! Can you take a short time out before coming back to it? This might give you some much needed space and a sense of perspective. Not sure what else to say other than be kinder to yourself.

To add, if you are struggling with mood and so on please don't be afraid to seek additional help as you shouldn't have to struggle alone and vent here as often as you like if that helps.

Do take care.

Hey Bonzo, have PM-ed you. KB

I agree with Delta. Try getting some support first, it's not good to handle this on your own if your mind has its own mind. Try to ignore the comments related to your academic life unless the person really know you in that capacity. Seeking help means taking control, taking charge. So please do that, even if it means just talking things with someone you don't know. Hearing yourself loud should give you some sense of what is really happening, instead of just arguing with yourself and judging the situation in your head. If some academic institution gave you a place on a master's course, or the chance to do a PhD, it means they have seen something in you, which means you are as capable as anyone else who is studying on this level. If you still come to a decision to give up after evaluating everything rationally, then it is still a positive result because it means that you decided to change the flow of things. Doesn't matter what others think. Please don't go into non-constructive thoughts like the past 4-5 years was wasted. You can never know how things would have worked out otherwise, so it is unnecessary to add extra mystery to the pile. I wish you good luck with all.

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Hi, Bonzo,

I am in a bit similar situation as yours (my other post), just I am in my master's (but almost taking it as serious as a PhD). You are saying you are getting medical help - maybe you need psychological help? Have you tried your university's counsselling services? Do you have a good supervisor? Maybe he can motivate you - for me, even talking with supervisor and discussing things would usually give the better mood and motivation. To get some other person - a friend, faculty member to share your concerns about how to deal with material also could be helpful and add motivation. Through my ups and downs I have discovered that when you are actually starting working on material for some time, you get interested by the process and you start even to discover something and then it can be enjoyable. Through the years when I was not being able to finish, I have read loads of advice, how to go into state of working - but putting all that into work was more difficult and advice sometimes even contradict each other! But my suggestion now is schedule some short time to work on your project - 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour - how much you feel is appropriate to you. Maybe other day you can do the same. It's just the beginning, it'll get better. I have just called my university counssellor and, among other things and suggestion to come, she offered me to work for half an hour or an hour today, then stop (because being in such a bad state of mind requires some energy to get) and do other things which I like. Maybe you want to do this together? Or are you already doing more hours? But if you feel you need a break and it's not time to do even 15 minutes now, ignore my suggestion, do what helps you better.

Bonzo, you are capable of doing all of these things. You can complete a Masters and you are intelligent enough to get a PhD. Absolutely, but right now your feelings are shaping how you rate or judge yourself. So what I am trying to say is that when those feelings pass (and they will sooner or later-hopefully sooner) you will still be you-an intelligent, thoughtful, capable and feisty human being. You are that right now even if those feelings are getting inbetween things. I don't think I can say anything (either online or personally) that could be helpful but hang onto the knowledge that who you are hasn't changed and when this bad patch passes, that fine intelligent and capable person will still be there.