Brothers & Sisters,
I have been challenged my entire life with external obstacles, However, I have been blessed to conquer and grow from each of them. With the character and knowledge I have received from these challenges, it has afforded me the opportunity to learn a little bit about every subject. Because of this, my husband feels like I think I am a "Miss know it all" and it has really bruised my heart. I've worked for everything I have, no one has given me a thing! I believe in hard work and I prove it through my actions. I am a community servant, mother of 6, flight attendant, President of a national women's organization, Chair of a women's committee for my union, and restaurant owner with my husband. I am completing my PhD in Leadership and I am always fighting for a cause. My husband also feels like I'm confrontational with everyone! I just believe that standing and believing is the only way to change. So, I ask you, my peers, what can I do as an intellect and accomplished woman, to disspell this external perception of me from others. I don't feel like I come across that way to others, but my husband says that he has heard people say that I talk to much and I am always the one leading a conversation. I'm not sure how true this is, but I am concerned because I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with me or that I feel above them. I am so hurt and I need your feedback. God bless each of you and thank you for taking the time to hear my concern.

Sincerely Submitted, Resilient

This is a toughie, but not insurmountable. Tactile responsiveness, reading body language (the signs) and verbal acrobatics - I'll be back with some advice for you later that will turn you into a social chameleon.

Thank you, I anxiously await your advice.

I understand you feel hurt. But after all you have been through, and with all you have achieved, it is normal that you should be the kind of "in control" position. I think its ok, you are who you are. In fact, you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself (and God).

My simple answers to "what do you do when your spouse feels that u think u're a know it all":
If he feels you think you know it all, there's really not much you can do or say to him to change it. This is a tough one. Just try to remember in social situations, try to strike a balance between speaking and not speaking...(sorry I know it sounds silly). Another thing is when you are with your husband, always make it like he knows everything :-) even if he is going to make a mistake, let him make it. I dont know how else to explain this in writing :-) well just pretend you dont know, something like that.

ok 2nd question: should u always speak on subject areas that you are knowledgeable of while socializing: I think why not :-) I don't think its wrong, just remember to let other people speak too, so there is a balance. That way nobody can say you're monopolizing the conversation.

hope this helps,
love satchi

======= Date Modified 28 Feb 2010 21:30:36 =======

Sorry Satchi, I have to disagree with you on this one. Why should a highly intelligent, well educated woman pretend to not know something, to make her husband feel better? Women were told for far too long to pretend to be stupid to attract men, and consequently sacrificed their identities and their lives to pander to men. Sod that.

Velvet, you are obviously an amazing woman, to do all you do, and look after 6 kids, and a husband who sounds like he's threatened by your accomplishments. Is he jealous of you? Does he support your studies and other activities, or is he threatened?? If I were you I'd talk to him a bit more about this - sounds like there's other things going on here.

However, maybe you could also think about how you interact with people too. Thre is nothing worse than a 'know-it-all' and I've worked with several of them - people who always have to know more than others on every subject, have to have the last word, and are always right. Listen to people, think about how you interact, but also think about the other dynamics at play here too.

Absolutely agree with Sue. Why on earth will any individual have to pretend to know less to spare another individual's ego? And yes, there is a gender point here, of course. It's his ego that's the problem, not your achievements.

======= Date Modified 28 Feb 2010 22:35:37 =======
Velvet! I never let anyone think they are always right and always know everything, that, in my experience is a fatal error. But I think I know what satchi rmeans about some men not liking to be corrected or advised on how to do things, but then I don't like itmuch either - I really dis-like unsolicited advice. I have a friend who does it all the time, and it really gets on my wick (I love her for it too though, don't you just love people who get on your nerves in just the right way?), she does it to her boyfriend too and they argue about it, I've witnessed a major sulk on his part over it. Anything I'm doing she always has a suggestion for how iI can do it better, from buying a bus ticket to writing a lecture, and we've talked about why she does it, she says she doesn't mean to be a know it all or to give advice, she just gets really enthusiastic and loves me so much she wants to help me all the time. I think some people are just like that, I usually ignore her or try to move the conversation on. I've noticed that she doesn't do it quite so much since the blow up with her boyfriend.

When I socialise I tend not to want to be the expert, even if we're talking about my subject and I actual am seen that way at work (or isn't that a subjective thing anyway?), just because I have to be a know it all - for want of a better phrase -for work, and for my PhD so much of the time. I prefer to be playful and don't really have those kinds of conversations, I really like to hear what other people think anyhow, very often fresh eyes and fresh minds make the most interesting observations in my areas. I tend not to have intellectual conversations about films, not much anyhow, or maybe I do without really realising it.

So, all this said, perhaps you are not like my friend, perhaps you just have an insecure husband who needs to be re-assured that no matter how much you achieve you will always love and need him. Best of luck velvet, with your track record, you'll get through this easy peasy - don't ever hide your light though!

Wow! Ladies, I thank you so much for your input. I will continue to do self-analysis of my behavior and my approach in my daily interactions. I must say, I have never communicated in this fashion and what is even more surprising, I have never shared these feelings. So I thank you for allowing me to be free with my concern. God bless each of you and your endeavors.


In Solidarity,

Resilient

Eska, you are funny! Thank you for your input, sounds like you and your girlfriend have a great relationship and an understanding and that is good. No, I don't tell people how they should do things different while in general conversation, however, I am the President of a women's organization and the Chairperson of a women's committee...I get phone calls and issues to solve almost everyday from women with global backgrounds, in religion, race, education, and creed just to name a few and I am always assisting others with their personal and professional issues. I am going to focus on not being in that "counseling" role all the time.  Take care and thanks again.


Resilient

To be honest, you strike me as a headstrong individual with a very strong personality, a healthy dose of motivation and a big sense of responsibility. I don't know very much about about feminism, but I'm not sure your problem is about the disempowerment of females. I think that anyone who is in a position of power and respect can seem intimidating to others. Of course, it's not your fault; you are just you after all. I think that the problem lies with other people, if you know what I mean. Sod anyone who thinks you're on a power trip, since you're not trying to belittle them or make yourself seem superior. However, if the problem you perceive does bother you profoundly then try a few interpresonal interaction experiments by doing the some of the opposite of what you do now. So perhaps try only speaking from time to time, only answer questions directed at you and so forth - and see what happens. This may just be an issue with self-perception.

Oh, also remember that personalities sometimes clash, like when you stick a 9 volt battery on your tongue or attempt to warm milk but end up boiling it. You know what I mean, anyway.

I think I'm a bit of a know-it-all. But a lot of the time people say they don't understand why something works the way it does and I just take an educated guess at it. I think the important thing is that educated guesses are presented in the proper way of educated guesses. In fact, when talking conversationally, I do like to leave everything quite open-ended and not try to proclaim that what I'm saying is "the truth".

The worst part, though, of being a know-it-all is in a long slow death (LSD) seminar where no-one talks or answers any questions. I don't want to spend 1-2 hours talking and I do keep my trap shut for long periods, but the pain of the silence gets to me - someone answer FFS!

I would try and have a topic that you bring up with your hubby that he knows more about e.g. football. If you make sure you ask him about football 2-3 times a week and then sound 'astounded' at his 'massive knowledge' (yes this can be interpreted as a euphemism). Then you tell all your friends, in front of your hubby, that he knows everything about it. Basically massage his ego (and his massive knowledge) hehe. :$

======= Date Modified 01 Mar 2010 10:34:21 =======
Anyone who starts a thread with "brothers and sisters" ........... : picard :

I'm oot.

Why should Velvet have to pander to her husband's ego? I fully support people engaging in open, frank discussions, exchanging ideas, learning off each other, as occurs in relationships - but having to find a topic in which hubby can be the expert, so the lil ole woman can be impressed to make him feel good just reeks of inequality to me, as well as being hugely patronising to him. If he does know more than her on something, fine, but having to go out of the way to bolster up an ego by pretending just doesn't sound right to me.