Hi guys,

At a bit of a loose end to be honest. I am doing a business PhD at the moment (4 months into it) and I feel ready to give up. I have no idea how they actually let me into the course as I cant write anymore! Had to hand in a short report with progress to date and details of what my research will be in the future and I have now written it three different times and in the end my supervisor sent a copy of it back to me this morning and had practically rewrote it herself.

I am feeling so down on myself right now, and completely stupid. I got the grades to get into phd but now I feel that my final year was just a fluke, I am actually embarrassed by the standard of work im producing.

Could anyone tell me how to get my writing style back? Or should I just give up?

Thanks x

Hi Donzy,

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. There's no real answer to your question - when do you know if you're good enough - in my opinion, but there are a few ideas to bear in mind. First off, you've just come out of 3/4 years of education where the main form of assessment is the essay. So you've spent the last 3/4 years perfecting how to write 3000 word answers to neat questions. A PhD is nothing like this. The questions are badly defined, if indeed you know what they are at all right now. The answer has to be 80,000+ words long. Go easy on yourself. It takes a long time to adjust to writing long chapters. Secondly, you're now doing a degree which has a lot of ridiculous ideas attached to it, such as "you have to be a genius to do a phd", "the thesis has to be perfect" and "a phd has to be completely original". It's really hard to ignore these kind of preconceptions and accept that you, too, are capable of achieving a phd. But I'd guess that pretty much no-one on this forum thinks a) they are a genius, b) their thesis is perfect or c) they have done something which no one else in the world has ever thought of doing before.

Like I said, I don't think there's an easy solution except keep writing (practice makes perfect), tell your supervisor how you feel (she might not realise you are in need of reassurance) and stick it out. Good luck!

Hey Donzy,

It could be that you are actually getting better!!! It was only when I realised my writing was crap (by publishable standards) that I started to make big improvements!!!. Maybe you are now developing a stronger critical sense which is necessary for self editing.

I think most people go through a phase of thinking they can't do it, or that their project is rubbish, but we come through it.

Hi Donzy,

I sympathise with your plight; everytime I sit down to write anything I have to go through an hour or so of self doubt, self hatred and utter despair. Sometimes I can't even get a sentence out that sounds half way decent by undergrad levels, let alone phd. If I choose to read a chapter instead I have forgotten half of what the author said by the time I get to the end, if I do get to the end. Usually something distracts me because I don't fully understand what i'm reading, or can't see the relevance and I end up doing very little beside panicing and wondering why the uni took me on. Hence I feel like I've not done anywhere near enough work (I'm 2nd yr humanities) and that the work I've done is not up to standard. Eventually I pick up a book again or open a piece of work because I have to do it, I got myself into this Phd and quitting is not an option, not now at least.

Then I get an idea, or something an author writes resonates with me, I begin to feel as though I understand something just a little bit better; perhaps I can do this. I start writing despite my worries. I'm past caring about how it sounds at this point, I just let it flow, swear words and all ;o) I can edit it later, no one is going to read it except me at this stage. It's the ideas that count. My confidence starts to return and I get some work done for the day, even if it is only a little. Tomorrow I will start all over again with the worrying and the self doubt. Everyday my routine is the same, but I am beginning to wise up to the foibles of my own mind. I know I will spend an hour panicing, and I know I will move on from it, because I have to. My supervisor has been in the 'trade' for many years and he said that it takes him a long time to settle down and get something constructive done too.

Someone once said writing is easy; all you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until droplets of blood form on your forehead. Someone on this forum (i forget who) said that a phd is 10% intelligence and 90% tenacity. I have these phrases written everywhere because they give me hope.

What I'm trying to say is allow yourself the time to panic, cry and despair over your predicament because it is natural, but try to move on from those feelings, if only for an hour or so. Once you have got them out of your system you will feel better, you will be able to get some work done and the standard won't be that bad. Sometimes your internal editor can be a little too enthusiastic, so learn to ignore him/her for a while so that you can write freely then bring him/her out later when you are ready to edit. There is a writing method called the Flowers method I think, I don't have the ref because I am totally disorganised, but basically she recommends something similar to the above.

Don't give up. Not just yet. Be tenacious and use those droplets to write something that might not be awesome right now, but it will be when you are finished with it.

xXx

I so feel your pain - I'm also 4 months in - I spent an entire day writing - drum roll...... 6 lines!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to be able to write so easily, it just used to flow - now I'm lucky to get the shopping list right! It will come, I'm sure it will, for both of us - its a tough time - still trying to get our feet and to get into this - we'll look back at this in 3 years and laugh while thumbing through our epic lol - well, maybe not laugh, more like cry and shake slightly with a noticable tremor, but we'll get there :-) It will happen, it has to - and we have to remember that they chose US - the sups have faith in us and are there to help us to grow and develop. Its interesting the comment about starting to write well when you realise how rubbish you do write. Do you still have any of your early U/G essays to hand - read them - look at what you did then, they are soooooo cute :-) Then realise that by the time we submit we'll be as far down the line again and will look back on what we're writing now and blush (I'd imagine - maybe some of the 3rd years can confirm that?)
Keep strong,it'll be ok, don't you dare give up!!!!