I'm in my 4th year now (Biochemistry), 3 years funding and as the title says. I've had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety (getting help) and don't think I am cut out for academia but it didn't seem right to give up after 1 or 2 years. I don't feel I know my subject properly and I'm struggling, but pretty much on my own. I still don't know what I will do after my PhD.

I am supposed to demonstrate today/tomorrow and do a labtalk but I just want to avoid all of them. I have not made it off my couch today and have about 2 hours to call in "sick" for demonstrating. I feel I will humiliate myself if I do my labtalk as I don't know as much as I should (I changed projects after 2 years, was supposed to be doing a different project and don't have a relevent Chemistry background since about A-level)

Cont'd...My supervisor doesn't take much of an interest in my project and no-one says anything when I take days off because I feel miserable. I've done an hour's work since last Wednesday.
I don't know if I should ask for help or not as there is just a culture of working things out for yourself and survival of the fittest. I talked to my departent confidentially about problems with my supervisor in year 1 and I went to a committee meeting and people there knew about the "complaint" I had unknowingly made. If I start saying I have problems it will reflect badly on me :(

I think it will also reflect on you badly if you go and do the labtalk and mess it up badly because you are not as well prepared as you could have been.

Maybe it would help you to take some time off to figure out what you really want to do? It doesn't sound as if doing a PhD is what you really want to do, but then maybe it is, and you just need some time to figure it out.

Generally, I think that if you are unhappy with what you are doing and have been that way for quite some time, it is time to do something else that you will be more content with. I would suggest cancelling that labtalk tomorrow and setting up a meeting with your supervisor instead to talk to him or her about the problems you are having with your research and the research environment.

Good luck!

Hey CC. I don't really know much about the details of what you say, but I have a rough idea about how you're feeling - I was meant to start a PhD this September, but withdrew at the last minute due to long term depression and anxiety.

So, without knowing too much about academia itself, unfortunately, I'll try to offer a bit of advice... First, I guess some of the help you're getting is in the form of a GP/counsellor/maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist. Could you ask them what they think you should do? Anyone in these fields (especially medical-related) who's worth their salt would be prepared to maybe write a completely confidential letter to someone in your department so that this can be taken into account. Having said that, I find it pretty disgraceful that details of your conversation were spread about last time, so I can understand your reluctance to do this.

Second, if you feel like you can't do something, then perhaps you should give yourself a rest and not do it. An analogy I have is that someone with a broken leg woulnd't be expected to go for a run, so why should someone with depression and anxiety be expected to function normally? The thing about survival of fittest is something I've found in scientific departments too, but Id hazard an educated guess that what you're experiencing is more common in these environments that the average, and that the problem is a denial culture, where everyone just pretends they're ok, and people suffer, which is sad.

cont...
Anyway, I'd suggest asking for help, but only if there's someone you feel you can trust, and feel able to talk to. If not, maybe try to speak to one of the above people, or even someone like a student services worker who'll have some info about what can be done when postgrad students have these problems. It's a shame that you feel like this, but you've already done so much more than a lot of people could in your situtation - so you should feel proud of yourself.

Thanks for the long sympathetic reply. I'm still thinking about what to do.

I've emailed a lecturer associated with the group, as not quite ready to email my supervisor and called in sick for my lab talk and demonstrating.
I know I have to finish, and have taken breaks, it's working hard that's the problem and no-one checks up on me.
I won't be going into academia

Would make a nice Christmas * present under the Christmas tree

*or ...er Birthday present next year

Hey cc, I'm in my fourth year too, and can empathise with some of what you're saying. Some days I just can't face going to uni, but inevitably I do go back, and things aren't so bad. I think I just need a break every now and again - like Matthew82 said, we're not machines, we're human and I think there is a point we shouldn't force ourselves beyond. It's pretty horrible that no-one notices when you're not there, but I guess that's not a new thing, it's just more difficult to deal with now that you feel you could do with some support?
I haven't had a great time during my PhD, and like you have decided that I don't want to stay in academia (probably not even anything related to my subject area). This means that on bad days I find myself thinking 'why bother with the thesis anyway? I tried, I failed'. Other days I really still want to get my PhD.

I find myself looking at academic job adverts and thinking that I'd at least like to know I COULD have been an academic, if I don't get my PhD
then it's more difficult to convince myself that I CHOSE to leave it all behind.
The fourth year's tough - when I registered this year the school secretary kept saying 'sure you're just finishing up' and I was thinking I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED!! Also, although most of my peers are still here, we don't see each other because we're all holed up in our labs so most of the time you feel that you're the only one left, that no-one's ever taken this long to do a PhD before (which is completely untrue!)
Hang in there. My personal inspiration is a veteran Prof I know who told me he didn't get results until the last two months of his project (although I've technically passed this stage, it still gives me hope).

There are lots of people in my lab that haven't actually left including graduated 5th years finishing up before they leave/doing extra work,and someone with my supervisor who is 2 years above me who hasn't written up. :-0
I think my issue all along has been that I'm someone who needs more structured help and deadlines.

I get what you're saying about wanting to be able to do an academic job by the end even if you don't want one.
Have you got any good ideas? I've thought about patent law but then I'd be subjecting myself to years of exams after the stress of a PhD. A bit of me wants to do something completely different.

May I offer further relevant advice. After withdrawing from my PhD which I was about to start in September this year, I got a job. A temp job. In science, there seems to be very little that you can do which has meaning unless you have a PhD or further, job-specific, qusalification. So once you get a PhD, make sure you make use of it, whether that's in terms of the knowledge you've gained, or just in terms of showing that you're someone who is able to achieve a PhD. If you have A-Level maths, you could try something financial, like accountancy or actuarial work (although this has more exams). Risk assessment maybe. Teaching - apparently you can rise very fast with a PhD. Or research in a crap, poorly rated uni where there may be less pressure.

Cont...
But remember this - once you have your PhD, no one can take it away from you. You've earnt it, and it gives you some leeway to try a career path and change it, if you find it's not for you. That's something which a lot of other people don't have, and which will only exist because of your hard work, persistence, and stubborn refusal to let things overwhelm you, however close they may have got to doing so.

One final suggestion - after the PhD, travel. You might find that after a bit of time you realise your true path, and travelling only delays the decision until you want to make it, as well as (allegedly) being fun.

It's weird you should mention working in patents - that's the only thing I've seen advertised that I thought I could face doing! (and hey, Einstein did it, but I'm not seriously considering it). Right now I feel like I want to do something easy - I like to sort things - give me a pile of something - anything - to sort and I'd be happy. I want to have a task that I'm capable of achieving without too much brain power so I can go home at the end of the day/week with a sense of fullfilment.