Hi all

I've been thinking about this for the past few months, ever since I've been closeted away writing up. I think my social skills are atrophying. Since I don't go out much any more, I think I'm losing the knack of relating to people and socialising. I've never been particularly extroverted, but when I was doing a 'real' job I managed to have fun and relate to people. Now I find it harder to talk to people, and sometimes just wonder what's going on in the world :$ Do others find this?

Tonight I was out with some old work colleagues who I haven't seen for months, since I've been writing up, and twice they said to me that I should cheer up/they should take me out more so I'm not depressed. And both times I said to them that I wasn't depressed - and I'm not (well, not at the moment anyway - PhD is being kind to me this week!). And while I had an OK time and some laughs with them, I did feel like an outsider....I know the writing up phase does weird things to people - is it inevitable that it kills off social skills too? Is this just another thing to get through? This also puts me off being a contract researcher, as I'd have to work at home a lot, and I really don't want to turn into an anti-social, dysfuntional hermit...

Could it maybe also be that they're all part of a tight group, and you were a little out of the loop having been away from work so long? I know that won't be the whole explanation, but it might have exacerbated things.

I work in an office/lab most days so I'm kept fairly well socialized, working home alone does do funny things to you though. If I'm working from home I make extra efforts to "visit" the real world, eevn if it's just going out for a coffee or food shopping locally.

I'm sure you're still lovely to be around Sue :)

Hi Sue, I am resigned myself to the fact that I am a socially awkward person anyway! I am ok with a group of friends, talking in a small group but when it comes to talking at a big table with people who come across as so articulate I just freeze up. I like to listen anyway but I think you can only really learn if you contribute as well. I went to a meeting where I was so concerned that I wouldn't speak and I didn't, one person shouted SPEAK in front of the bigger group!! I think people find it hard to be around someone when they are quiet and it makes them uncomfortable. I too feel this when someone is quiet around me.

Sorry to go off the subject as I know your thread was not about speaking in a group but I also think I would like to stay on working in research after the PhD. The thought of working at home while it has it's advantages can be too isolating at times. I just want to get dressed up and be in the real world. I think as a contract researcher you are more part of a team and won't be as alone as much as we are now. I am just about to get into writing up the data analysis chapters but I can imagine that when you are really into the writing stage you are still thinking about writing even when you are not writing, if that makes sense!! Like teek said I am sure you are a great person to be around its just when you are quiet people comment and as I said this makes people wonder if you are ok. You hadn't seen your colleagues for a while so it's natural you might be a bit quieter doesn't mean you are losing your knack of socialising. Also agree with teek that we need to be out in the real world as much as we can manage. Staying in for days just made me feel miserable. I am now back at my gym and seeing people around does make a difference, just hope I can keep going to the gym!!

Sue,

I understand completely. I HATE what my phd has turned me into. I'm always in a bad mood and wishing to be secluded. Before this whole phd thing, I was a "normal" guy. Now, I just sit around depressed about the fact that I am STILL in school while the rest of my friends are out earning a good living and enjoying life. How do we conquer this demon?

Sue - I know exactly how you feel. I live away from my Institution and work at home, in a really small city where most people do not even know what a PhD is, let alone not having money at 28! I spend most of my time at home (trying to do) writing my thesis and have forgotten what interaction with people in the real world even is. When I am out, I just take the best of it as I can but no one really gets is at all because they work and have clear definition. But I think the alternative would be worse, imagine loads of structure and becoming a jobs worth?! No thanks, I enjoy my freedom.
A word of warning though. Having seen several colleagues finish writing, there is the danger of not getting the balance of writing up and living your life. I say this as I have just come back from a really enjoyable jog around the town and it made me feel part of society again. You see people 'living' their lives and you feel like you have been out and done something different. I also enjoy taking photographs of nature as it is also completely different and gets me out into a different place. I do think that sometimes as you become so deep into your own stuff, people cant understand so it is good to talk about what you do have in common.

I'm not sure I even had any social skills at all before this but oh well!! Good luck and just be you.

Hi everyone

Thanks for your replies. I think you're right Teek, they are a close bunch, and not being able to talk shop with them does make me rather an outsider. And WuTown, yes, I do get out, not much, but I do go to the gym and go out with my partner and other friends occasionally.

I'm not depressed, am making progress and life is OK, I think it's just another side effect of the isolation. I think social skills, like our other skills, also need to be used a lot, and at the moment, am not using them with people I don't see very often, and don't need to network often either etc etc. I expect this will pass, once I've finished, and for the moment just need to accept that I'm in my head and not able to relate to others on the same level that I used to.

Another side effect of writing up - people should really tell us about this beforehand!

Hi Sue

Please don't think I meant to be rude in my reply. I was just trying to help and hadn't intended to make out that you never went out at all!

Hey Wutown, not a problem, didn't think you were rude at all! Thanks for your reply!

And Hulley, sounds like you're not in a good place at the moment - I've been there and it's not fun. This is isolating, but there are ways to overcome it - as we've mentioned, make sure you go out, even if to the gym, just to get some interaction with the world, meet with friends etc. Do lists, cross things off lists, it makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. I also count down days to self-imposed deadlines, to get a sense of urgency into my work and a sense of achievement when I reach them, or I just put them back if I don't reach them.

This forum is also a life-saver for making sure we're not isolated, and we get to talk to other PhD students. I've also joined a chat room for PhD students which is helping me enormously - pm me if you want the address. Good luck!

Hi Sue,

I completely agree - and not only are my human - human social skills going down the pan but I don't even have time/skills to interact with my virtual friends anymore! Argh!

I don't like the anti-social, dysfunctional hermit thing either, but think it is the only way I can finish. I am getting particularly impatient with friends who just don't get it. Totally my fault, not theirs, but still...

My question would be to the post PhDers in this forum as to how long it takes to recover from this state!

Hope all's going well Sue...still rollercoaster-tastic for me, in pursuit of seemingly inachievable hand in targets!