Hi all,

Apologies for starting another 'feeling down'/'I'm not good enough for a PhD thread', but here goes...
I'm in the first year of my PhD, and I am also required to take some research methods courses this year, so I have to work on both my own research and the course work for those. I have been trying to define/refine my question since October, and I've been reading a lot around my topic. I've also been doing well enough in my courses, although they keep distracting me from my own work. Recently, I had a meeting with my supervisors, who are always very understanding and helpful. I'm not sure what happened, but it seemed like my IQ just dropped as soon as the meeting started. I couldn't answer the simplest questions! We ended up going through the stuff I already knew, simply because I failed to show them that I knew it all. I could tell my supervisors were getting really frustrated, because I was wasting their time. All in all, it was extremely embarrassing, and I spent the last few days thinking about what I could/should have said. I just feel so stupid and still not sure why this happened - why couldn't I express myself properly? Am I really not good enough for this? Worst of all, my supervisors probably think I'm a complete idiot now, and it's all my fault. What should I do?

I bet there are very few people on this forum who haven't had a similar meeting, which makes them cringe afterwards. It really is par for the course. What I'd do, if you think it's appropriate, is write up a minute of the meeting noting all their points and then add a 'my initial response to action points' type of document to send them, where you could display some of your reading through mini-reviews and set out your next steps. I think a huge part of supervision meetings is not necessarily the meeting itself, but you showing that you're moving onwards after the meeting. I'm sure if you could send them something that showed you were progressing that would do a lot to make you feel better. Not everyone is at their best in supervisions - one thing that can help is if you prepare an agenda of things you want to discuss beforehand and send it them and then take in brief notes showing your ideas, questions etc so that if your mind goes blank, then you've got a structure for the meeting and something to help you contribute.

I would echo Bewildered's response and excellent advice. If you don't think you're at your best at the meetings in general, an agenda beforehand is a really good way to go. It shows that you are 'taking ownership':$ but also should help you get the most from the meetings.

Don't worry OP. You're still early on in your PhD and I found those early meetings tough too. I agree with the 2 previous posters that you should consider setting an agenda. I know someone who takes notes on their laptop during the meeting and then sends it on to their supervisor afterwards and the supervisor inserts anything they've missed.
Personally, my supervisor is quite scattered and would never do that for me but what I have done to improve the meetings is I started bringing along a sheet of paper with everything that I wanted to ask them and talk about to the meeting with me so I wouldn't forget what to say. It was like having a set of prompts with me and our meetings have been much better ever since. I think it made them feel happier too that, as another poster said, I was taking ownership and pushing this forward. Also when you start writing or doing experiments or whatever and you have some work to send on to them it also becomes easier because then you have the chapter or experiment to discuss and you can ask them 'what did you think of my inclusion of this author?' 'I was also thinking of discussing X' or whatever and find out what you need to know.
So, yeah, long story short I think it would help to just have a document with a list of what you want to discuss. Hope this helps!

Oh yes I know the experience where the brain runs out the door screaming and you are sat in front of a supervisor opening and shutting your mouth like a goldfish.

Every week I have a word document named 'next meeting with X'. I add to this things I think on my progress, questions to ask supervisor X, graphs that show or disprove something, data showing failures (and most importantly a thought why it failed - shows I am thinking). Closer to meeting supervisor this doc gets tarted up into a mini report so she can go away after with a paper record of how I am doing. Then the doc will be renamed with the meeting date saved on my computer. (I also have something - even a mess - to take if I get a surprise summoning!)

Why do this, or any agenda as others suggest?
1. You have thought about it and so are better able to say what you think and are prepared for questions.
2. You get to talk about what YOU want, your supervisor will otherwise only talk about what they think if they don't know what you need.
3. Talking about your topics fills the time and you are in control of more of the meeting = more confidence and less idiot moments.

Once you have got your courses done: hit the library for 'presentation books', 'speaking with confidence' that sort of thing. This is my current bedtime reading as I too have the whole 'I know nothing' thing occuring. It can be overcome and on the bright side, as you have already done the "I am an idiot" thing and haven't been thrown out, the only way from here is up: the world doesn't end if you act a twit but now your supervisors will notice you improve and you can take your time showing your ability.

Lettuce-brain happens to all of us from time to time, and even if its as bad as you think (it probably isn't!) your supervisor is not going to write you off on the basis of one meeting. Take every opportunity (lab meetings, one to one meetings etc) to show off what you can do.

What happened was you got nervous and panicked, in a situation that in this case isn't going to do any permanent damage (once happened to me in an undergrad viva with the result of a permanently lower degree class!) You're a human being and will not be able to get through a minimum 3 years without tripping up a few times, I promise your supervisor has seen worse.

Hi everyone - thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. These are all very helpful, and I agree that preparing an agenda before the meeting should help. I do try to send them something I've done/written before each meeting, but as I now know, it doesn't necessarily mean the discussion should focus on it. I am now supposed to write down my ideas and send them to the supervisory team, so that might be helpful as well. I am also trying to understand what made me act like a rather stupid teenage girl in that meeting, when I can confidently tell other students about the things I've read and the ideas I have for my research. Either way, thanks again for all your support - it's always good to know you're not alone, especially since PhD can be such a lonely experience!

Don't worry too much - I sometimes feel that we use our supervisors as a barometer for our abilities and success, when infact all they're there to do is work for you, i.e. provide you with feedback, assist you in direction and method, etc. It's a bit like banks and the general public: go for a meeting with your bank manager and you can often come out feeling financial pathetic, but they work for us! We should remember that, they're there to provide a service to our money, just as supervisors are there to provide a service to our research.

If you didn't 'perform' well in a meeting, do not let it stand as a judgement on how well you're doing, or think you can. So you have trouble expressing what you know? As long as you can express it in your writting work, there is no need to worry.

Unfortunately there's also a heavy social element to the student-supervisor mechanic, and the more you get to know them, the easier these things will be. I have two supervisors, both excellent, and it has helped that I've known them for 4+ years, having done my BA and MA at the same university as my PhD. But while one supervisor will generally engage and reinforce my comments, another will often challenge and push me, which I very rarely react adequately to! But then I am a bit of a mumbler and have never been efficient at articulating my thoughts, but I'm one hell of a researcher and can generally produce excellent written work.

I guess what I'm saying is: don't judge yourself through your supervisors: it means very little!

Best of luck to you.