Hi everyone,

My brother and I are (were) both doing PhDs in humanities. I am in my second year (full-time). My brother is currently in his sixth year (also full-time), and has recently decided to suspend studies. He has not yet told our parents. I have suspected for the past year that he would suspend as he seems to be spending very little time on PhD work. We live near each other and talk frequently. He has been doing some part-time work for the last couple of years. He almost never discusses his PhD but talks about his part-time work a lot.

I know that he applied for some funding at the beginning of his PhD but after not getting any, he didn't apply in subsequent years. My parents decided to fund him (tuition and living expenses in central London), and have continued to do so. I didn't obtain funding either but have found part-time work and reluctantly accepted some money from my parents as they insisted it would be unfair otherwise. I have also spent a lot of time continuing to apply for funding from the university, academic associations, and trusts.

I know I'm probably coming across as really self-righteous here, but from my point of view, he is quite spoilt. He has been earning some money so is not totally lazy. My parents are not poor but they did remortgage their house a few years ago and I feel he should take some financial responsibility and pay them at least some of the money back. Am I being unreasonable? I know he definitely hasn't had any major difficulties/obstacles in all of these six years - otherwise I'd be more sympathetic. I also know PhDs are not easy at the best of times and neither is getting funding but I see no appreciation from him of our parents' situation or how easy he has had it compared to others. Apologies for the long post, and thanks a lot for your thoughts.

Has he suspended the studies indefinitely? The way you deal with this depends on your family dynamics really. If it was me I'd have told your brother how lucky he had it from the start, but then some people never really appreciate things until they stop. Are your parents still paying his living expenses? Once he tells them he has stopped, I'd talk to them and tell them to stop paying. As in most cases I've seen people continue being unappreciative and spoiled until they have to fend for themselves and realise how hard real life is. It might sound a bit harsh but I have seen it happen so often and people come out the other side much more capable and usually happier.

Hi Caro, thanks a lot for your response. I believe he has suspended his studies indefinitely but curtly shut me down when I asked him about it. Since it's already been six years, I doubt he has the motivation to restart his research. Closer to the start of his PhD, I told him not to rely so heavily on our parents and get a part-time job, but as he is older than me and I wasn't yet doing the PhD myself, I think he found it easy to ignore me. To be honest, he hasn't been a great sibling and I wasn't sure if my perception of the situation was being distorted by my generally negative feelings towards him.

My parents are still paying as he hasn't yet told them he's suspended - I don't know when he'll tell them but I suspect he might when he returns home for Christmas. In my culture, it's not common for parents to 'cut off' their kids but I think no person should expect to have their lifestyle funded like he has had. Again, I'd be more sympathetic if he showed evidence of budgeting but I know that he goes drinking every weekend in posh clubs. I'm worried that my parents won't listen to me or think I'm meddling. I guess I am meddling but as you say, a dose of reality could be good for him.

It does sound like he is just the type of character that would happily carry on being paid for, and if your parents don't question why his PhD has taken so long or look into his finances I guess they might carry on paying for a long time. It is good that he actually works part time at least he has some work ethic, but part-time isn't enough to live well in London as we all know how extortionate it is there. The best thing to do might be to wait to see if he does come clean over Christmas and see how your parents deal with it. Perhaps they might just reduce how much they give him slowly until he finds his feet?

I hope so. I'll wait to see what happens and try to remember to post an update, in case it helps anyone else in a similar situation (although I don't imagine there are that many people with similar stories!). Thanks a lot for your help Caro.

Wow! PhD x2 and living in central London. That must be expensive for your family. Talk to them. They probably don't know the details. You need to tell them how you feel. Honesty helps!

Thanks marasp. Yeah, tell me about it! If I could live at home, I would, but it's just too far away and there are no library facilities. I really didn't want my parents to give me any money as I'm not an undergrad anymore - they're certainly under no obligation to keep funding my education. But they insisted, and in return, I try to help out where I can, financially or practically. I get so frustrated with my brother, and how selfish he is. I will talk to them, and try to make my case.

Hi Nesrine,

What an awful situation! I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest, but I do think that this is something that will need to be worked out between your brother and your parents as opposed to you getting involved.

I think you might be stuck between a rock and a hard place if he doesn't come clean, because on the one hand, he'll get angry with you for telling them, and on the other, your parents might get upset if you knew and didn't tell them.

Worst case scenario, you might need to 'choose a side' and lay low for a while if you have to be the one that tells your parents. As others have suggested, see what happens over Christmas and then go from there.

Have plenty of wine/scotch/whatever your preference on hand if things get bad and you just need to get a bit smashed (okay maybe don't follow that last bit but that's what I would do haha).

Hi awsoci,

Thanks for your response. You're right, I am a bit worried he'll be mad at me if I end up getting involved as it's not really my fight...but I guess I'm getting pre-empitvely mad on my parents' behalf. At the moment, I'm hanging back and waiting to see what happens. However, I am going to talk to my mum in a next few days and see if she mentions it. She definitely would mention it if he'd told her! If he hasn't come clean by New Year, then I'll probably tell them. I think *mulled* wine is particularly appropriate given the season! Yumyum.

Hmm, my first thoughts are that I'd never have taken on a PhD project without funding in place to begin with. You need £50,000 plus bare minimum including fees and in London, you may as well add on another £3,000 minimum a year living expenses. Parents even thinking of funding that I honestly believe is unreasonable. But I take your point that your brother had been given money, so your parents thought it was unfair if his sister didn't benefit also. Also, I was Science and Engineering where funding for various projects seems easier to come by.

Whilst normally I would say this is an issue between your brother and your parents, they do have a right to know. On face value, he's apparently p*ssed their money up the proverbial wall (though I have a further thought - see later). To follow up on your above post, wait to see what your mother says in a few days and if he hasn't told her, I'm afraid I'd spill the beans. However, Christmas is coming and the last thing you want in a family row over this period.

I'd wait until New Year, then step back to allow him and your parents to sort out the mess

One thought niggling me though is given the difficulties many encounter during PhD (workload, etc.) is there may be depression or health issues he's not being open about. He may have suspended for such reasons, but chosen to remain private about them. I've seen someone fade out of a PhD in the way you describe, in that they attended less and less, downgraded to MPhil then finally left altogether. Your brother may have tried harder than you think trying to stick it out, his sixth year full time suggesting this. The fact your brother past year four without the PhD being terminated suggests he's had previous suspensions.

That said, I hope he doesn't use health issues, etc. as an excuse when questions are finally asked of him.

Ian

Hi again everyone,
Just a little update...so, I feel like a big fat chicken. I'm still not sure if my parents know, as they didn't really mention it over the holidays. I didn't see my brother and I haven't spoken to him yet so don't know if he told them. I had just about plucked up the courage to say something, when my dad lost his temper about something stupid and upset my mum. I couldn't then bear to be the bringer of bad news (assuming she didn't already know). Anyway, I've taken all of your advice on board, and will try to address the issue again soon. Maybe I'll send an anonymous email...is that weird? Time to take a break from the computer methinks...

Hi Nesrine, you should not be the person to tell your parents. It needs to be your brother (ideally). However, that being said it sounds as if your brother is avoiding this for a range of reasons. Some would be because it ends his pleasant life but others would be because it would be hard and he will have to face your parent's anger and dismay and what child wishes to go through this-no matter their age.

If it were me I would do (or try to do this). I would talk to my brother and tell him that while it wasn't my business about what he does in his life-that I also had an obligation to my parents and because I knew he had left the PhD (or taken a long break!), they would be very hurt if when they found out, if they knew that I had known for a while had not said anything.(This is not just a money issue-it is also about trust-as well as loyalty).

I would outline that we both had obligations to our parents and needed to keep the trust in the relationship. Having said this, I would give my brother a period of time (fortnight) to tell the parents (through any means-written or verbal but face to face is always best). If he had not done this by this time, then I would be letting them know that he needed to discuss his studies with them and they needed to contact him as there were some problems. (So again, I wouldn't state it outright-but I would be giving them a clear indication that a conversation needed to occur). I would say that this was not my preferred thing to do but that I had an obligation to them (as my parents) and to him (as my brother) and I had no choice but to let people know there was a problem that needed to be sorted as the impacts of the problem extended beyond some finances and would impact on trust and the family relationships-and that these were the most important things.

Finally, I would say to my brother that I loved him and was happy to support him emotionally through this but that our parents needed to know so they could make an honest decision about how much financial support they wanted to give him or continue.. So if he wanted me to help him through it, listen to him, brainstorm future plans, be there when he told them to help out emotionally, any or all of this, then I would do this-without judgement but ultimately he had a fortnight to sort things with them or I would be telling them they needed to contact him over a serious problem about his studies by such and such a date.

Good luck-I'm not saying you should do this-just telling you what I would do or would expect my grown children to do for me. PS: As a parent of adult children, I love them very much so however angry I might be, I know I would forgive them and work to help them get back on track.