Nah it's pretty much the phd, Cobweb. Tbh I don't really blame him too much - he's got enough other things to be stressed about right now. I know I'm going to have to pull myself together and get on with it. It wouldn't be fair on my supervisor otherwise. I'm going to be his first student at this university, so basically I can't really go changing my mind and abandon him. As I said, I'd have been tempted to do so months ago if he hadn't informed the other applicants so quickly. It just feels like such a waste of my only opportunity to do a phd to do one which feels like my heart isn't entirely in it. I always thought I'd be excited at the start of a phd, not looking forward to it being over.

Well I've only got about a week before I'm back, and to be honest most of the summer I have been trying to forget about it and bury myself in completely unrelated things. I've hardly looked at the books I was advised to study.
I agreed to the project after spending a sleepless night worrying about what to do, and I started regretting it pretty much immediately and I haven't got over that yet. If I hadn't got an email an hour later saying he'd told the other students the position was filled I might have backed out then.
I just feel so depressed about the whole thing, and I know my boyfriend is sick of it. He pretty much said he'd break up with me if I keep being depressing about things, which just means I have another person to hide how I feel from. I can't tell my parents because they thought instantly I'd made the wrong decision and seemed so disappointed so I've been trying to pretend I don't agree and I'm just tired of it all.

This phd is at the uni where I did undergrad, so I pretty much got into it because the supervisor thought I'd be a good candidate. To be honest I think that's part of the problem... I'm just feeling trapped in it and I want to get away and be somewhere else for a while. My undergrad degree was four years, and the idea of another three hear just feels stifling.
I think the main reason I accepted this project was because it felt like the sensible thing to do. The one I really wanted was still iffy about funding by the time I had to give an answer for this one, so I felt like I had to take what was solid and now I'm just wishing I'd waited. Officially I start in October, but actually unofficially I'm semi-starting in about a week as the supervisor needs some help with setting stuff up and doesn't have any other students at the university yet so yeh, I can't really run off for a month either.

I'm starting my phd in october but right now I feel conviced I made the wrong decision. I had two offers and felt pressured into accepting the one I did because of funding, and right now even though I know I'm pretty much stuck with it I can't stop trying to think of ways I could possibly get out of it.

I do want to do a phd, but I'm really really regretting not taking the risk on the other option or looking a bit further. It feels like by the time I figured out how phd applications worked it was too late. I just don't know how I'm going to get motivated when even thinking about my subject, let alone picking up a book, makes me feel depressed.