Hi guys! I just wanted to update you all. I have made the decision to move in with my partner. I have now told my flatmate and landlord, just the supervisor to go! I did mention that I might be moving further away over drinks at an international conference, and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal at the time (the wine may have helped!). But I'm not sure if she understood quite how soon I would be moving, so I do need to send her an email once I know the exact date I will be moving out. I'll explain that I still plan to meet my commitments in terms of supervising undergraduate projects etc. and that I will just need a bit more notice when arranging meetings as I'll be travelling further. I think I'll feel better once it's all out in the open!! I've been stressing about this for so long, it's time for me to make some decisions for myself and be happy!!

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Oh and by the way, I'm a Psychology student (but not lab based. My work is in clinical psychology).

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Hi Lughna,

That's exactly what I expected of academia - to be left alone to get on with my research/writing apart from when needing advice/guidance from my supervisor every now and then. But there seems to be a strange culture in my department. To be fair, I've moved offices recently and the people in there seem much more relaxed and many seem to work at home frequently. But when I first started I felt almost bullied by one student (also supervised by my supervisor) who just couldn't seem to accept that I worked at home. I ended up almost falling out with her over it and quite frankly, it was none of her business where I work. My supervisor has come to terms with my working habits to an extent but as I said in my original post, I do still feel the pressure sometimes because of the comments she makes. I hate feeling guilty about not being in the office enough, when I work so hard on my PhD! My partner and friends and family all know how much I work, as sometimes they complain about how my work gets in the way of my time with them! Thanks for the supportive message, I really am going to try and walk my own path and stand up for myself on this one! I will be glad when this experience is over though.

I ended up posting two replies as I got an error message after I tried to post the first one and I hadn't saved what I'd written in the original reply! I thought it hadn't posted, but clearly it has, so you have two slightly different replies! :)

Thanks for your reply WanderingSage! It's reassuring to know that there are others in my position. I don't want to put my life with my partner on hold (e.g., not move in together) when I think that it is possible to have both (PhD and life!). But I'm still concerned about how to break the news that I will be living further away to my supervisor. I'm worried about posing it as a question (i.e., 'what would you think if I moved to X and we met once a fortnight') as I think she might try and talk me out of it. My mum (a counsellor and assertiveness trainer), said that I need to be firm and make it clear that I've already made my plans and to pose it as a "This is what's happening, shall we meet to discuss the practicalities of meetings etc." I think she is right, but I do struggle to stand up for myself with my supervisor as she tends to be quite pushy and bossy and I feel that she doesn't often let me say "no" to something she wants me to do (even if not directly related to my PhD work). I guess I just need to be strong and do what's right for me.

Hi WanderingSage! Thanks for your reply! It's good to know that there are others in the same boat. I guess the thing that I'm most worried about is how to break the news (of me moving away) to my supervisor. I'm not sure how to word it or how assertive to be, but I have a feeling that if I pose it is a question she will try and talk me out of it. I think I'll probably just talk to her about it nearer the time so that my plans are already under way and that way she can't change my mind! At the end of the day I think it should be a life decision that I make for myself and everyone else will have to deal with it! I can say that now but in real life sometimes I have trouble sticking up for myself when I feel there is some kind of confrontation :(

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I'm almost at the end of my second year and have recently passed my upgrade from MPhil to PhD (subject to minor revisions). I've been "successful" so far and have published two journal articles so far in my academic career. I generally feel quite competent in academia but recently (the last two weeks, since around the upgrade meeting) I've started to lose my motivation.

I think part of it stems from not liking one of the upgrade examiners (I felt that she tried to humiliate me during the meeting over some minor preliminary statistics I had omitted from my report) which has left me feeling a little resentful about making the changes she has requested. However, this was only a small part of the meeting, it was 90% positive and I received some very positive feedback from the other examiner. So I should not be feeling that negative.

I think the other part of my lack of motivation stems from not feeling in control of my work schedule/routine. I don't tend to work in my office at uni (it's busy and people tend to chat too much) and I prefer to work at home on my own schedule and just attend uni for meetings or when I am teaching or collecting data. However, I feel pressure (mostly subtle, indirect pressure by the comments of my supervisor and some other fellow PhD students) to work a 9-5 day in the office 5 days a week. I did try this at the beginning but it didn't suit me and I found I was far more productive when I let myself make my own work routine. So that's what I did. I got a Distinction in my Masters and have been successful and productive so far in my PhD, by working mostly at home. However, feeling that I am breaking some kind of social norm by working at home has taken it's toll over the last 3 years (I did my Masters at the same uni as part of the 1+3 funded route). Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for not going in to the office, even when I'm working hard at home! My supervisor doesn't help, despite me having a frank discussion with her in my MSc year about how I needed to work at home in my own time, particularly when writing, 3 years on she still sends me emails asking when I'm "back in the office" if I've been on holiday or when I've said I'm going home after a meeting she's suggested perhaps I should do some filing in my office instead (??!!).

Anyway, I'm turning 30 this year and I'm in a serious (currently long distance) relationship. However, my partner and I feel it is time to move in together and this probably means that during my last year of the PhD (starting this September) I will need to live away from the city where my uni is. I personally don't think this will affect my work at all (I would be 2 hours from uni) but I'm really scared to mention this to my supervisor and I'm starting to wonder whether this PhD is worth it if I can't have a work/life balance!

Any advice?