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Just to follow this up, I successfully defended my progression report in September and progressed to the second year! It was some turnaround considering the viva was a week after I sent this first message and I thank everyone for their encouragement. I managed to complete the report by the Wed morning and fortunately my internal examiner and director of studies found enough time to read it.

I'm so glad I'm still here doing this but I still need to do some work on my planning, I fear this might put me in another similar position if I'm not careful. Have my first meeting with my supervisors tomorrow since the viva so can hopefully discuss this issue.

Thanks again, Matt

Thanks a lot for that Sue, when I read the bit about just doing the first draft to get the words down, then be more perfectionist on the later drafts - well, I felt it was like a truth washing through me! I know perfectionism is a myth and unachievable in reality but I think it's just a strong want to do my best on the work. Your method is the same one my Dad and brother use and it got my brother through his masters so it's one I'll try!

It's funny but the fear thing is something I no longer have, I feel I've gone beyond it which might in some ways be a problem. I end up thinking "yes I really want to do this, but I'm working near my maximum potential and if it doesn't work out then life goes on". But the more hurdles I get over, with the work and personally, the more I feel propelled to keep going and enjoy it.

Still have a lot of work to do on the methodology today ready to submit the report to the examiners but my supervisor is much more hopeful that it can get through.

Thanks again!

Matt

Thanks so much for everybody's encouragement, I've just sent them a full, if in places very sketchy, report. I feel like I'm gradually clawing this back from the jaws of failure. I'll have to significantly bolster up my methodology and lit review regarding methods as the latter is largely absent, but I'm on a bit more on a roll - will aim for tomorrow so that it's ready for the external and the viva on Mon.

If anything I've learnt that my perfectionism is majorly affecting my output and it's only when I let it go that I manage to produce anything these days. I hadn't realised exactly how these mechanisms were operating in my mind but it's becoming much clearer to me now. When I do actually get into the other 'coping' mindset, what I do produce isn't really that bad. I just know my expectations are way higher and I want to try to use loads more literature than I actually need to. Will need to try to explore more about this in the coming weeks, assuming I can now get through. It was my supervisor that pointed out that my output is good but there's something very wrong with the frequency of it. I think that's the major thing I've got to work on now.

Hope it's going ok for you badgerspy. Will let you know the outcome of all this.

Thanks, Matt

Right ok, well it's deadline time and very little to show. I have no idea what I'm about to say to my supervisor - it's either going to be 'can we postpone the meeting tomorrow?' or 'I think I better leave the programme'. I feel so desperate here and I hate messing people around and letting people down. I pray your report's coming on better Badgerspy, keep going!

Matt

Hey Badgerspy, thanks so much for replying - the accuracy of what you said is also spooky! My supervisors do have faith in me and part of me does too, but another part just keeps saying... "you're too far behind, you haven't been working hard enough, PhD? that's way beyond you" etc etc. Yes it's crippling self doubt of the same kind that held my dad back in his career. I fear after today though that I may have eroded the final faith my supervisors had of me getting this done. They need the report to digest / make suggestions before the viva next week and we're meant to have a meeting tomorrow (Tue) with one of the funders where we would be discussing said report.

Well it's 6am and I've raised from my awkward slumber (precariously across three office chairs) and will take on board what you said. If I can just get started I stand a chance of working up a momentum and at least getting something half coherant to them. If this sounds like your situation, and by all accounts it sounds like it is, then please do the same - you know what you're doing, you know what's required - put the self doubt aside and just fulfil the question, "what do I need to do to get this PhD over this current hurdle?" - no more, no less. It sounds like we're both perfectionists at heart and although it's a real struggle to just get down what will "do" that's really all we can do at this moment in time. There will be plenty of opportunities to do a really great job on something after this, but this report just needs to be completed and to pass and need to be written holes and all.

Hope this helps, thank you so much. I don't know what the outcome will be but I know if I just get further on with it I feel a great deal better.

Sincerely, Matt

Hi all, this seems like a wonderful forum and I wish I had found it earlier. :-( I'm coming to the end of my first year after having postponed my progression exam in July - the rescheduled date is the 28th September and I'm meant to get the report to all supervisors and partners by tomorrow morning. And it's no where near ready.

It's my own fault for getting behind again, although I didn't plan to injure my back a week ago which put me in bed for several days. It seems like there's always some catastrophe that gets in the way of what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm constantly overwhelmed with the scale of the project and the amount I have to do and procrastinate way too much. Partly why I procrastinate is the loneliness - I just feel like I want to connect with someone - anyone, be it online or in real life! Working this weekend here on my own at my desk hiding from security really doesn't help... but strangely I get most done when it's quiet. But today I've only been able to produce one short paragraph.

When I think of quitting it doesn't feel right - I am genuinely interested in the work, and I've finally got my research questions and concepts well thought out at long last. I just can't seem to pull the report together. I really don't know if this is my last chance. I feel truly helpless at this time.

Sorry for the lack of structure of this post, I really just felt I needed to tell someone how I'm feeling who knows what doing a PhD is like. If this really isn't going to happen for this upgrade, does anyone know how if there's some way of suspending studies for a few months in the UK? I really don't want to fail completely but I don't know if there's any way through this time.

Thanks for listening, Matt