for the University’s first year at providing an MA by research, but the idea of practice based research seemed to exclude professional theatre work (?). I felt humiliated, I felt like I’d failed, and I was met with comments such as “well if your hearts not in it…” etc. My heart was in it, I simply was unsupported. One student did stay on the course, yet was met with a multitude of problems in terms of supervision etc, and really has not enjoyed the experience. Three of my close friends who have done MA’s have all admitted that they are no better off than before, and their knowledge is failing to be utilised in the workplace.

After this, I worked more or less full time (in various non career related jobs) and moved back in with my parents in October 2011. After spending two months on the dole I managed to secure a full time, well paid office job. I’ve recently gone part time to allow for other freelance work and for the new MA. Since February 2011 I’ve been applying for arts jobs left right and central, and have rarely received an interview for an arts job. The interviews I have had have been unsuccessful and the freelance work that I’ve received has been through people I know etc. I’ve recently been given an incredible freelance job with a company called Artis Education. My excitement of being given the job was soon stultified with an email from the company themselves saying that they had no available work until February 2013.

This year alone, I have gone through the motions of applying to work in a Primary School, down the GTP route, yet my application was declined, I’ve applied to volunteer abroad but didn’t have enough money to afford the flight, I’ve tried the freelance route but have only had a few short term contracts, I’ve auditioned for various jobs and been declined, tried volunteering with Charities in the hope that it will provide me with paid work but have been stopped in my tracks due to a lack of funding for the organisations, attempted to write articles for an online blog, played acoustic gigs to save up a bit of money, attempted to create plans to travel, yet soon realised that I’d have to be working for a long time before I could afford it. I feel like I’ve tried so many routes/paths and they don’t seem to continue, or I simply don’t get the job. I have every confidence in my ability, and as a first class student and good workshop facilitator/performer/creative, I thought I’d be in with the chance of receiving at least something.

I began to turn to education again, to see if post graduate education was the right direction. After stumbling across the MA in Contemporary Arts at MMU and seeing there was a scholarship available for the part time course, I readily applied, and successfully won the scholarship. Which brings be to my current predicament. I’m concerned that I have only chosen this path because all other routes appeared to fail. I’m worried that post graduate education isn’t for me: I know that it will probably only benefit me if I wanted to lecture or have a career in academia. I would love to lecture one day, when I’m older and wiser but I don’t necessarily want to pursue this job just yet. So then I wonder why on earth I’m doing the MA? My initial reasons were to provide me with an arena to remain creative, carry on researching and to meet other like minded people. There are 6 people on my course. I feel like I’ve lost all belief in academe. What purpose does it serve, especially in the arts? Some of my friends are doing MA’s in medical subjects, and I understand the need to increase their capacity for knowledge etc, and understand that it’s a worthwhile investment for them because it will benefit their employment opportunities. But what if its an Arts/creative based MA? What use will it be? The course is mainly research based, and I’m concerned that I learn best through taught modules in groups and in seminars.

Overall, I’m really concerned that I’m taking the wrong path. I’m worried that 2

years is a long time to ‘waste’ on academe (which wont really put me in a better position when I complete) when I could be doing other things. But then I ask myself, “what other things?”. I feel like I’ve continually tried to get things up on their feet, to apply for jobs, and not a lot seems to be happening. I worry that I’m just doing the MA because my friends have one, or because I feel like it’s the only thing left to do, a last resort. But then I wonder if doing the MA would benefit my position?!?

As you can probably tell, I am ridiculously lost. To the point where I don’t even know what I think anymore. I don’t know if my opinions are structured through my own actual opinions, or because I think that I should think that way, or perhaps because its what other people think? I cannot determine what makes me happy, or what I want to do. I can’t differentiate between what I want, and what I think I should do based on the people around me and what society says. How can I possibly withdraw from another MA? I don’t even think I believe in my research proposal anymore, I’ve become dubious of contemporary theatre and performance.

On the other hand, I have glimpses of light in my head where I think that setting up my own theatre in education company would encompass all of the things that I enjoy: Performing, creating theatre, making set and props, educating etc etc. Should I get rid of the MA in order to attempt the TIE route? Or am I throwing away my chances of a free MA?

Ever get that urge to rip out your brain, shake it, and perhaps give it a slap? I do… Every single day.

Help please. Am I just a moaning witch? Am I ungrateful? Or am I someone who wants to make a difference yet whose stuck in a ridiculous money driven society? Blah, I do not know. I don’t even feel like I’ve fully articulated how I feel. I feel strangled, yet it seems like there are so many options. I don’t know what direction to go. I seem to think what everyone else has got is brilliant, yet I cant decide for myself what I want. Is this routed in a problem with the self? Or is it a problem with academe, and its false promises. Saying that, university should be an arena through which to research, they never promised jobs. Who do I speak to about all of this? My parents have no idea what I’m talking about, my friends have a bias because they had negative experiences on their MA’s, my family hate the idea of freelance work and financial instability, and see the MA as a route to providing some sort of financial stability at the end. Which it wont!

I’m going to stop. I hoping that by now you understand the ridiculous torment going on in my head. Im hoping that you can shed some light on what I should do. Or what I shouldn’t do.

Any perspectives on this are welcomed. Thanks for spending your time reading this horrendously written individualistic ‘woe me’ gabble.

======= Date Modified 18 Sep 2012 19:58:15 =======

I don’t even know if this is the right place to discuss this, or receive advice, so I apologise if my lengthy rant appears to be slightly irrelevant.

Basically, I could really do with some advice, I feel like I’m in a rather confusing predicament and I really need to gain some perspective about my situation.

I’m due to start an MA in Contemporary Arts next week. I will be studying part time, and I’m ridiculously lucky to have been awarded a scholarship for the 2-3 year course which covers the entire course fees. I’ve recently gone part time at work (I work in an office for a company whose morals and interests are a million miles from mine) and I’m really lucky to still be on a good part time wage and have a lot of flexibility in terms of when and what time my shifts are. From the outset, it seems like I have the perfect circumstances, and I’m weary that my worries/concerns/rants might come across as unappreciative etc. I’m over the moon at being given such an incredible opportunity, and am extremely aware that these circumstances have elevated my current status into a position of privilege.

My problems and concerns however reside in academe itself. And to add to the complexity of my concerns, I feel that it’s necessary for me to discuss my previous experiences with MA’s and postgraduate research. After graduating in 2010 with a first class degree in Drama and Theatre Studies, I was fortunate enough to be ‘invited’ back to the same University to do an MA by research which was fully funded by the university. I moved from Sheffield (where I had just completed an internship with a theatre company) to Leeds in order to remain centrally located for both freelance work and the MA. After completing the internship, the theatre had offered me 3 paid projects which ran from October 2010 – July 2011, I had accepted the MA Research offer on the condition that I was able to utilise these projects as part of my practical research, and the staff enthusiastically agreed. An ‘elusive’ contract was drawn up with regards to the structure of the MA, with the paid projects included in this. Unfortunately, due to a number of things: lack of supervision, lack of advice, a lack of structure, a lack of knowledge of our responsibilities as students/staff responsibilities, lack of funding/finance (maintenance, rent etc), lack of communication etc etc, the ‘elusive’ contract was broken and I was no longer allowed to use my professional paid work (a range of touring theatre, TIE and community workshops) as part of my research. Many problems sprouted from this, it meant that I had to fill my study time with other part time jobs, find another practice as research alongside my professional work etc, which consequently meant that the whole structure was ridiculously chaotic, unpleasant and extremely hostile. One meeting lead to another and I sadly ended up withdrawing from the MA in February 2011. I felt completely let down by the University, not only were we the guinea pig