I’ve had to write a couple of reports and give a presentation to my supervisors and sponsoring company, and they seem really pleased with my progress so far, even though I feel like I’m barely getting any work done. I just have no motivation to do anything, and no real interest in my subject area. The thought of working on this project for another 2.5-3 years just makes me feel so depressed.

I’ve looked into doing a master’s at my undergraduate university – this is what I would have ended up doing had I not started the PhD. The master’s would allow me to go back to the original subject area that I’m interested in. I just really don’t know how to tell my supervisors that I want to leave! I haven’t even told my family yet (although I think my mum can tell I’m not happy). I just wish I could just drop it all now, but I’m stuck at this lab abroad for around another three weeks, and this is something I’d rather discuss in person rather than through email/Skype. I just don’t know how they’d react when I tell them! Nor do I know how to even broach the subject of leaving. It also doesn’t help that there are quite a few people involved in my project – my supervisors at university, my funding company (in the UK) and the foreign company that I’m working with out here. My project is part of a larger collaborative project, involving a couple of other PhD students (one from my uni, another from a different one) as well as a few foreign research groups. So I feel like I’d be letting a lot of people down if I left, plus there’s the embarrassment of giving up. I’ve never just given something like this up before!

That turned into quite an essay! I’m not sure what response I’m expecting on here, I suppose I just needed to vent somehow.

From the beginning I didn’t really feel fully engaged with my project. For a start, it turned out quite different to what was advertised when I applied – cross-over with other peoples’ PhD projects and the fact the advertised project was effectively split-in-two to make two PhDs meant that what I’m now doing is actually in a completely different area of my subject to what I originally thought it would be. And this particular field doesn’t really interest me at all. I also have to spend a lot of time working at a lab overseas (roughly 8 weeks from October to December, and I’m now out here again for around 6 weeks) , which seemed exciting before I started, but has meant spending a considerable time away from my family when really, all I want is to be at home. It’s also meant that I still barely know anyone in my university city, having not spent more than a couple of consecutive weeks there. I have a few friends in my department but they’re not particularly close. I’ve thought about leaving pretty much everyday.

The problem is, everyone thinks I’m getting on perfectly fine. I know I sound incredibly gloomy on here, but in real life I’ve always been a very happy, easy-going type of person. Up until last year I’d say my life had be going pretty damn well, I had a fantastic time during my undergrad with plenty of friends, hobbies and interests and I enjoyed my degree subject. I’ll admit I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions, and I’ve maintained my happy persona even now, when I feel miserable, I’m just pretty useless at talking about my feelings. When I tell people about what I’m doing they say I’m ‘living the dream’ – to an outsider I know it would probably sound like this (working abroad in quite an exciting location, etc), but really I just feel so isolated and alone.

[continued in 3rd post]

Hello everyone, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Well, I'm not really sure where to start, or how to put all my jumbled thoughts into words, but here goes. I began my PhD in September (or officially October) last year, so I'm only ~6 months in, but I'm already feeling like I just want to see the back of it and regret ever starting it at all.

To give a bit of background... I applied to the PhD in June last year, having been forwarded the advert for the studentship by my undergraduate tutor (I only graduated from my BSc last summer). Before this, I'd never really considered doing a PhD - I just thought this project sounded interesting so applied on a complete whim to see what would happen, and because I didn't have anything else lined up job-wise. And yes, I know that this is just about the worst reason to start a PhD, but actually, had the situation been different, I think it would have worked out ok – I enjoy doing research and am not against doing a PhD per se, but it’s mainly the project and timing that are making this such a miserable process for me. But anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Just under two weeks before I began the PhD, my dad died. I'd always been very close to my father, and although he’d been diagnosed with cancer around 10 months before, up until the end I’d never really let myself believe that he could die. Even now I can’t really believe that he’s gone, and it feels bizarre talking about him in the past tense. I nearly gave up on doing the PhD at that point, but I was quite adamant with myself that I shouldn’t let it hold me back. So I moved the 350+ miles to a big city where I didn’t know anyone to start this new chapter of my life.

[continued on 2nd post]