Ah.....well the proof will be in the pudding as they say. I am currently at 1,221 words! Finished almost - just going to take it down to a nice 1,100. 10% over the word limit only. Just a bit of polishing and lets just forget all about it. In truth its not really about these hoops we are given to jump through - its the process of getting through those hoops - at the moment I am in a slightly new area - and panicking about not knowing it all - so desperately seeking to understand everything all at once.

The thought of a journal article has crossed my cheeky mind....so yep - good thinking save in a folder for a rainy day.

On the plus side - and this is HUGE - I have just been given my DRIVING LICENSE back.....oh yes peoples! I had a slight accident and broke my head a little while back - anyway it stopped me driving for six years!! So I have taken a few lessons to get a little confidence - now I am in search of a beautiful navy morris minor and over the hills we shall go!

As usual thank you for the advice - and ref to counselling. Well as I'm honest here....I made an appointment and then.....became a complete coward and cancelled. I suddenly became worried that if I said all that was bothering me in my mind - I might fall to pieces - and I can't do that for Bea or me - so I was hoping I might take a little longer - adjust and then go. I'm a big fan of the old chatting things out though :-)

Sleep well in the snow

Hey, thanks for advice...to be honest my reasons for starting an MSc alongside teaching have been from the heart rather than from the head - no surprises there. I think I couldn't bare to alone with my thoughts - so I threw myself into anything and everything .... from university politics....to MSc participation...baby groups...community groups. There is basically not an ounce of time left for me which is not consumed by either Bea or work. Even when I do the ironing - it is a major treat - because then I can watch a movie at the same time. Seriously I need to get a grip of myself.

So back to the Masters - I'm in now - I'm a paid up member of the constitution as they say, and I am learning loads. For the first time in a while I have been, and indeed am, engrossed in the joy of learning - knowing that at the end of this I am going to do something great with my new knowledge.

Yes, of course I should have taken a break - I should have asked your thoughts earlier - but I was afraid you might conclude - rest - slow down - relax for a while. Now I am in - and I guess I need to see it as enjoyable learning - not a lesson in academia. It doesn't really matter what mark I get - I just need to pass and learn what I wish along the way.

I scrapped my 12,000 ramblings - actually it was quite nice - I compared a variety of theories - made a couple of conceptual models and a substantial contribution to new knowledge!! haha - I need the looney bin. So what have I done about this pickle (which I will learn from) - scrapped one of the two core theories, took out primary data (I had even consulted with world experts in New York and Paris!!) (see what happens when I am left to my own devices!) - and reduced it to a reasonably simplistic form.

I have never heard of a 1000 essay being given out either - its very tricky - more like an abstract! still I will learn - and its good for me to be able to do both - short concise work and on the other hand in-depth analysis.

I am going to work really hard on polishing it up tonight and then hand it and have a rest. I might even push the boat out and do some ironing and watch a movie! Oh dear what have I become - I need saving from myself.

Signed - Heidi the general lunatic.

And whilst I am here I would also like to get something off my worried little pea-sized mind....basically, I am terrified of embarrassing myself in front of other Masters students. I feel this huge amount of expectation to be the best. I am terrified of being judged. I think I spent so long on my PhD working alone, that now I am working as part of a group and being measured against them - I am scared of being found to be actually rather terrible. I guess this is a crisis of confidence.

Hola, my lovelies! I am back - but this time with a smile on my choppers. So to keep myself out of trouble I decided (I realise rather mentally now) to undertake an extra MSc - to refocus my area of specialisation - good grass roots and all that - whilst I am teaching. Anyway, enough context. I am going to admit something - so here was the task - write a 1,000 word essay. Shouldn't be too difficult I thought....well six weeks on (and 36 hours before deadline) I have 12,000 on paper!! - crikey-bob-ski what am I going to do!!! I have seriously considered (a) burning it, (b) running away, (c) giving up, (e) scrapping it and writing about what I actually know - it must be all that PhD writing still in me - any thoughts out there on my madness......please!

Wow - you both make me feel almost acceptable! thank you. Thank you so much. I shall do my best to make sure Bea and I find some time for us - I find time for me - and Bath brings all it has for us! Sleep well - and speak soon. I honestly cannot believe the above journey ended in a happy ever after - I am very lucky indeed. I finished my corrections in a week - they were just the odd comma etc....so I had an easy ride. My heart really goes out to all those people on here who are struggling with personal problems, financial difficulties, supervisor issues.....you name it I experienced it - but came out the other end - there is as they say 'light at the end of the tunnel'.

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It seems like such a long time ago when I reached out to this forum - and expected so little and was greeted with so much. Bea and I are all settled into Bath - I open my curtains to green fields - and can wonder freely in beautiful historical streets that are nearby. The university is inspiring me something silly. I love it there. And most importantly Bea seems happy and content - and is growing at pace! Bea and I are starting to build a little community around us - which makes me feel safe. Its almost too painful to read back over my posts at the beginning - I can barely remember the time. I thought I would never complete and that my quest rested constantly on the edge of a knife. I learnt so much in a very short period of time - and I will never forget the struggle and the kindness I received along the way. I am now chasing up my career - carving out my niche - using the best bits of my PhD to take my research further. I am working with some of the worlds leading experts in international development - and am constantly humbled by the experience. I hope one day I will be able to give back to my students - and offer not only expertise but excellent pastoral skills and understanding. Right, Bedfordshire young lady! Sleep well.

Well at least it is now confirmed - I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I finished the corrections in a few days - simply because I was lucky and really they comprised of typos. Clearly the 'robust defence' paid off!! You are so right. Concentrate on Bea and our new life in Bath. To be honest I have decided that after a year or so in Bath - I would like to head to Geneva and work for the UN. Bea and I can play around in the snow in winter and have the opportunity to learn lots of languages. I'm not sure if I will be able to get a job in international development and economics there but I will try. As usual Ian your wise words bring a smile to my choppers (thank you). Looking back at that very first email - Bea and I have really come a long way. It just shows what you can achieve if you really try. Wishing you a smiley day, love H and B.

Dear everyone

So please tell me.....did anyone feel like this.... I was chasing the doctorate....it has been my chosen destination for a while now. I then find myself walking into the boardroom to be welcomed back as a doctor....and now I feel lost. Its like being weightless - suspended - I'm floating - orbiting all that I and all that I was. Perhaps this is just the moment between one place and another. I move to Bath in a few weeks time and then my new job starts in September. Maybe I'll feel more grounded once I am not living in a hotel. I'm tired of living in a hotel. It sounds fun at first...a swimming pool for Bea....people to make your beds...but the truth is its lonely. I have 200 neighbours and each night as I watch Bea sleep I am so lonely.

love H.

Ahhh Thank you so very much for all your lovely messages - I am sure I do not deserve them - but I shall wrap them up and take them with me to enjoy all the same. Our last visit back to the channel isles. It is very beautiful here, but I am looking forward to exploring the pretty streets of Bath with Bea next week. Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, love H and B.

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Just thought I would tie up this little thread - I ended up writing my conclusion in 12 hours!!! I wrote 6,200 - apart from the odd typo they were received really well! I could not believe it. The best bit of writing I achieved was with no sleep - knee deep in nappies - crazy hair (with probably a bird living in it)....must have learnt a trick or two during the years of PhD. This is method of time planning is not highly recommended - it was very stressful!! But thank you for all your thoughtful replies with regard to conclusions. I ended up highly structuring my conclusion chapter - and it paid off - most was directly related to highlighting originality theoretically/methodologically. So there we go! Your hints and tips gave me the last bit of confidence to complete - thank you chaps! love Heidi and Bea

Thank you all! Your support, pearls of wisdom, and general loveliness has been AWESOME. Little Bea and I are now going to start our life together - who knows where we will end up - but it starts in Bath. I am so lucky that I wrote on this site a few months ago - if you like I feel like the support I had was a bit like a cycling tour - you pulled me up the peaks! Thank you. Bea and I will be keeping in touch - thank you. With love from us.

Just saw your post and wanted to give support. First, I'm really sorry to hear your news - and please know right here you will find so much support - and personally, I am wishing you well. My journey through my PhD was really tricky. I lost my mother and my brother. I then went through a fair bit of of heartache. I have tried nearly all the options you have placed forward following grief. To be honest requesting an extenuating circumstance (and a formal request for three months off) would be really helpful at this point. What is important is your family and you. A PhD is great - and you will achieve it - but it will still be there for you to collect once you are ready. Take heart in knowing that you have so much to give and offer, both to your family and your work. But looking after you first - will end up improving your life, and your PhD work in the future. Keep your chin up - little Bea and I will be cheering you on.

I've just read all your posts about my viva and wishing me luck today!!! Thank you - must have been floating along in the air to me because last night all I knew was every thing that I did not know - and then today - I have no idea what got into me, but I found myself presenting really strong, objective, methodical arguments. Publications really helped too. I can honestly say the viva was a pleasant experience and I will look back on it fondly!

Where does this leave Bea and I - well on the 24th the paperwork will be signed in court to allow us to come home to Bath. There we shall remain. I intend to try and fix the world - and for Bea....well I hope she will just be happy.

This little family on here has been at times my only support. Thus, I just wished to say thank you. Sleep well, love H and B

111 days ago I started a little thread because I had a PhD deadline and was going through a tough time....however, I am now pleased to say this is where the story ends....because I PASSED MY VIVA TODAY!!!!!!!

Only a few typing corrections. I gave my external 'the most robust PhD defense' he had ever heard! Must be that fighting spirit that you have all given me.

So thank you, to all of you who supported me.

This is the start of another adventure for Bea and Heidi - who knows what will happen next - but hopefully it will be good.

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======= Date Modified 30 Jun 2012 22:45:41 =======
Totally agree Ian - but the University will not let me - seriously even if i was half dead they would make me do this. Having the dates I have battled with is the only option from the university. They literally don't care. So I am now going to make the best of a bad situation. I can do it Ian - and I will achieve it. I have managed to find a hotel that will take Bea and I at a good rate for a month - hopefully the State will let us go home then. How bad can this viva be? I passed a three day intensive Navy - officer board (which was three days!). I have also attended tons of research fellowship boards to get the job. I know my weaknesses and I know how I need to prepare - I will write when Bea is sleeping and I will study hard. Thank you for your advice - you are of course right - but the university will not allow it. To be honest in the scope of life its not that important. I want and need to pass - but making sure Bea and safe is most important. Ian you are a tower of strength.