@Hugh: Thank you. It has more to do with logistics I’d say, and my hubby’s reluctance. If we go the post-doc route, then we’d have to relocate twice, and find jobs within the same area twice within 2-3 years. This is why he insists on one long-term contract and then baby.

@Lydia: Thank you for sharing your story and for your encouragements! Wish you all the best to you too!

@Yve: Thank you for the information! I wouldn’t mind being unemployed and taking a sabbatical/gap year to have my baby, we have been saving up for a while. In fact, it is my wish for the reasons stated in the op. The ‘problem’ is that my institution is a top one and obsessed with placement. All students have to place somewhere if they are to graduate, they can’t write ‘stay-at-home mom’ or ‘housewife’ as placement. It is an unwritten/unspoken rule, but basically if you do not obtain placement they will string you along for years until you do. My supervisor is quite alright, but doesn’t understand this sabbatical idea. I think because I started my PhD fairly early compared to my colleagues, he is still under the impression that I’m quite young, so I don’t think he thinks I think about pregnancy (see what I did there :D?). The few women (professors) that I know had their babies mid to late 30s, I guess that’s why I’m not on their baby radar. But I digress. At this point it feels as if I need to go to every person at my institution and ask permission to have a baby. I should just do what I want and they will have to accommodate somehow. But it will be a bumpy road for sure.

Thanks again everyone for your well-thought and helpful answers. I have faced so much ostracism till now (‘why do you want a baby? It’s all a whim’, ‘I know a woman who had a perfectly fine baby at 43, you can wait’, 'you could adopt', ‘a baby is just an excuse so that you do not work’ etc.) that I rejoice in reading such sensible and kind comments. Best of luck everyone!

Hi everyone, thank you very much for the outpour of support, positive responses, ideas, and for taking the time to read my story. Overall I have reached the conclusion that it’s more my hubby than the PhD that is literally preventing me from having a child.

@TreeofLife: Thank you for sharing your opinion. Ideally I would have followed this same plan, but I have suddenly become, for a lack of a better word, obsessed with having a baby. I look at my papers, they take 2-3 years to get out, and I’m thinking oh my I could have popped 3 babies in the meantime.

@cherub: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Congratulations on your pregnancy and on your viva! I guess women CAN have it all :). Wish you much health for you and the baby. Your story really gave me hope and courage. My mom says that once you get pregnant, it’s so magical that it’s just you and your baby, and that no worries about jobs and what not can taint that feeling. I hope I’ll experience this magical feeling one day.

I too got this sense of urgency due to potential fertility problems (which at the time turned out to be false alarms), but all ob-gyns have basically said the only way to know is to try (falsify the theory, right? :)). Unfortunately my institution does not have a family-friendly environment, at least at the PhD level. Word around is that the supervisor of a PhD student who got pregnant told another professor he would expel her immediately if he could. Unfortunately my hubby is not supportive either and doesn’t understand why we can’t wait an elusive couple of years more. Last week I brought up divorce and things are not looking well.

@PracticalMouse: Thank you for the very practical information :). Yes my field is such that I’m sure I can take 2-3 years off and publish my current work and it would still be considered novel.

I completely agree with what you said and I’ve witnessed it too. I’m not making any judgments or prescriptive recommendations. If this is the current state of affairs, I accept it. A priori knowing this, I am questioning if this is the type of environment that I want to be in. I wouldn’t be the first or last woman to exit. Just another data point. I have no problems quitting whatsoever. I wonder, at the end of my life, will I be crying over that PhD I never finished or the child I never had?

Hi everyone, long-time reader, first-time poster...

I’ve started my PhD in social sciences at a top school in my mid 20s. I thought it perfect to start it soon, finish around 31 and have kids. I haven’t been depressed or demotivated during the PhD, although I have found things to be extremely slow at times when my supervisor is busy teaching.

Ever since I turned 28 (I’ll soon turn 30) all I’ve been thinking about is having a child. I’ve saved up enough money and I thought the wisest thing to do is have the baby during the PhD. My hubby however thinks it’s better to wait to get a job, earn more money, and then have a child. I’m not comfortable with this solution because I don’t wanna waltz into a job and within a couple of months be like ‘thank you, goodbye’. I think once I get a job I wanna stay 1-3 years on the job and establish myself (plus I may have to do a 2-year postdoc and then wait even longer).

So my 'smart' solution was to tell my (male) supervisor that, you know, I want to take a break after the PhD to relax (worst excuse ever), and that I am not interested in a job right now. I think he thought I was mad or something but I couldn’t tell him I wanted a child either. No one can understand why exactly I would want one year off after graduation and not a job, because no one really thinks about children, at least at my institution. Since then my supervisor has been extremely cold and slow to respond. So I’ve started contemplating quitting altogether and all the strain of baby planning has led me to thoughts of divorcing, just because I have become so frustrated with wanting a child.

I know I sound desperate but I feel I can get a PhD/job anytime, but that I have a limited time frame to get pregnant. I would really appreciate any advice, especially from women who have been in a similar situation. I confess I disagree with the idea that I can have perfectly healthy children in mid to late 30s, as I feel I’m gambling. Also, starting to have kids later makes the difference between having only one child or more. Thanks everyone.