======= Date Modified 23 Sep 2010 06:13:15 =======
Hey Coop, how's things going? Hope you are feeling better.

I'm in a similar situation too. 5 months into PhD, hate it so much I want to throw myself out from the window right now! I'm losing sleep, getting grumpy and whining all the time. I think I'm well on my way to clinical depression. ;-)

A short background on my journey so far: exciting new project at state level, received a national scholarship, famous supervisors, relocated to another country, left a wonderful, more importantly high income job behind. All sound like a dream come true (except the job part, I actually liked my job). Unfortunately the topic the supervisors had in mind wasn't what I'm interested. I thought, ok, a new area in the field, could be fun! I tried, in God's name I tried and tried and tried to like this "new area". But the world is a funny place, the new area and I just don't click. I tried to negotiate the topic but they quite clearly told me that there's not the slightest chance. So I'm in a situation which when I procrastinate, I feel guilty for not doing something I hate! What on earth is wrong with me?! I am quitting!

1 hour ago, I had a talk with one of the supervisors who is more on my side, she said she would try to talk to the other two again, and naturally she tried to talk me out of it. So I asked her, if a coupe gets married and one of them found that he/she does not love the other person anymore, when will he/she finally decide to stop trying and get a divorce? She gave a weak laugh and an empathetic look. I remember a scene from the first "Sex and the City" movie, Samantha was wondering whether she should break up with Smith, who is young, hot, famous, went through chemo with her and loves her to death. Not to mention that he is every gay man and straight woman's dream. Then Kerry said, Samantha, you just compared your relationship with Smith with chemo. At that moment Samantha knew the answer.

So what is my PhD to me? Well, it's a burden that inflicts tremendous pain on me 24/7, brings out the worst in me and makes me a less person than I was. Oh, I can see the upside in chemo, it might kill the cancer. But my G what's the upsides of this PhD to me?

The idea of doing research is still quite appealing to me, because the joy of completing my MA thesis is so deep I can drown in it. I worked 8-9 hours everyday, 6-7 days a week, I was working part-time at the same time, lived in a student accommodation (not agreeable!), ate microwave food and had no social life. But all those things didn't matter, I love my topic so much! One day I will do a PhD in something I really enjoy. For tonight, I'm hanging out with my friends, guilt free! 8-)