Hi Glossy,

I quite often just read through the posts on this forum without commenting but I wanted to reply to your message. Although I've never experienced an eating disorder, I have had mental health concerns (and other difficulties) which, like you I don't often speak about and didn't disclose to the Uni at first. They were particularly difficult at one point during my PhD. I did eventually disclose these to one of my supervisors and sought counselling (both from the University and Privately - it's expensive and I thought long and hard before doing it but the Uni could only provide a short term service and it's working longer term). Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone as at one point I felt like giving up myself but in hindsight I'm glad I didn't. I just wanted to say I hope the counselling goes okay (once you manage to get it sorted) and you manage to get the help you need and make progress with the PhD - if this is what you want to do.

My deadline for submission is also the end of September (by then it will have been four years) and that's when I'm planning on submitting. I've had problems with anxiety as well and actually found the first year of the PhD the most difficult - I've got more 'into it' as time has gone on and, although I've found some bits hard, have generally enjoyed the last year. Part of me feels bad for taking so long to submit (it's not even like I have another job or anything, although I'm planning on taking up odd jobs in September once I've submitted, I'm just really slow!) Come September I'll take up some part time work and teaching in the department which should keep me going until I find a regular job. Not sure if I want to stay in academia - some of it I've really enjoyed but there's been bits I've found hard and it's really competitive.

I've had a similar problem myself and it can be quite hard to work out what to do. In the end I carefully read through my topic chapters and took out most of what I'd covered in the topic chapters from the literature review - the downside of this is that it made the literature review shorter. There was also some key information that I felt was important enough to be covered in both the literature review and the topic chapter. It also sometimes helps to maybe explain something briefly in the lit review and then something like 'for more information, see section X of chapter X'.

Sorry to bring an old thread back up, it's just that it's now been about eight months since my last session with the old counsellor, yet I still miss her and think about her on a daily basis and I'm worried that there's something wrong with me. I decided not to go back to the other service in the end, as I never felt like the counsellor there understood me and, actually, things have been pretty good the last few months. I'm stressed but also excited about the prospect of finishing my PhD and actually feel proud of myself and like I've done well. Therefore, I think I probably don't need counselling any more, yet I still desperately want to see her, even though I know that's wrong...

Are these feelings normal? A big part of me wonders if the counselling actually just made things worse as 1. It made me too dependent on someone else 2. I miss her so much now I can't see her and 3. I keep reiterating things we said in the sessions we had together and thinking of things I wished I'd said. I also can't help thinking of traumatic events from my past but the thing is, this only started during our sessions and after we finished our sessions together so I wonder if bringing these issues up actually made them worse, especially as I did not have a chance to resolve them during therapy as we had to finish.

One thing I have considered is sending her a thank up email, once I have had my viva and (hopefully!) passed my PhD... I think that might make me feel a bit better as it might give me some closure. I feel bad because I think I was actually a bit rude to her during my last session, simply because I was finding it so difficult to say goodbye. Or maybe that's too over the top (I've already given her a thank you card).

...continued from previous post... about her daily and for the first week after finishing seeing her my appetite even changed, sometimes I dreamt about her and I felt like crying all the time. Maybe there's something wrong with me or something and I am too attached - it's just I don't really have that many close friends and she was close to my age and sometimes I thought we'd get on really well if we met in another context (although I do realise it's her job so she tries to build rapport with all her clients - I might be completely wrong).

Glowworm, thanks for your response but I think I should cease contact completely with my past counsellor now. I did ask via email after the last session if she'd be willing to see my privately as she also has a private practice but she politely explained that they are not allowed to take on clients they've seen at the University. I think that if I had any more contact with her it potentially might make it even more difficult to separate fully from her and might possibly breach ethical practices. Also, the way the lead counsellor spoke on the phone I'm not sure if it's her who decided I wouldn't see the counsellor I had before, should I re-refer myself back during the summer, or my old counsellor herself. If it is my old counsellor, maybe she felt that it would be too hard for me to see her during a short period of time, in the long run.

The last thing that I want is to become overly dependent on other people to sort out my life, which is why I'm a bit reluctant to continue with the new counsellor. Also, sometimes i feel okay. I think I've done well and I have made good progress with the PhD and overcome a lot of the past difficulties I've had. Still, it's worth a try...

Thank you all so much for your replies (I've got so much more help here from an online forum than I did from the lead counsellor!) I also felt that she was being unprofessional - if she'd have just gently explained that they are a very busy service and they couldn't accommodate my needs that would have been fine (and that's why I emailed in the first place and I do remember my counsellor saying that the service would always be there for me and they don't turn people away) but it was like she was angry with me. She just said I should use the strategies from my previous sessions and that it obviously hadn't worked if I still felt like I needed to come back! But that's the point - I felt like it was working really well and that's why I'm struggling now I've stopped it! The lead counsellor said I could fill in another form during the summer when they're quieter but she'd give me another counsellor as it obviously hadn't worked with the first one (when it did and I don't know if I could talk to anyone else like I did with her and I feel like she just thinks I'm a bit of a nuisance and too reliant on support from other people).

I've now re-contact the other service that I was using, asking if I could have some more sessions. They haven't replied yet but I can't see it being a problem and I can then go back to fortnightly appointments. The counsellor is nice enough and tries her best it's just I'm really not very good at talking to people about my problems, which was why the other counsellor was so great as she was easy to talk to. It's a bit worrying how much i miss her - I almost feel like i've lost a friend, although I know that's wrong. I think ... continued on next post...

Thank you both so much for your replies. The uni counsellor that I saw did actually did suggest that I seek counselling elsewhere and I found a local charity that offered counselling for a very low cost. The lady there was okay but I felt a bit reluctant to 'get close' to anyone again and it didn't help that she knew absolutely nothing about PhD study whatsoever so I felt like I was just having to explain what a PhD was for most of the sessions. Also, I don't think I'm very good at talking about my feelings - i've tried counselling before, but it didn't work as well as with the uni counsellor lady (I've read up a bit on 'transference' and think that's what I'm going through - I think about her all the time and keep thinking about things I want to tell her. Also, I'm really embarrassed about how I acted during my last session, I just felt so upset that I'd have to leave but I hope she didn't take it personally. I've even thought about emailing her a 'good bye' but then I got her a card when we ended it the first time and don't want to look like a stalker!). I ended it with the charity counsellor after a few sessions, although I'd consider going back to see her if I keep feeling this way, but I feel like i've been in counselling nearly three years on and off (I originally saw the university counsellor back when I started the PhD for 8 sessions, then went back a year later and she saw me for six sessions regularly and then just during the undergraduate holiday period) so maybe I should give it a rest and just 'be my own counsellor' like the lead counsellor said. It's just it's a really busy time for me with finishing the PhD, trying to look for a job and I need to move house by September as well.

I'm struggling a bit at the moment - I'm writing up, need to finish by end of September (I'll then have been four years) and, although I know I've done well and achieved a lot, am finding it hard to cope at times. What makes things worse is that I was seeing a university counsellor, although I had to leave before Christmas as the sessions were limited and she'd already given me more than I was 'officially' entitled to, by seeing me during the undergraduate holiday periods when I tended to be around for some of the time. I did email the service asking if I could go back on their waiting list to see her (as she'd told me they don't turn anyone anyway) and they said yes, but then I received a call today saying they were too busy to see me - I could refer myself again during the summer but I wouldn't be able to see her as 'it obviously hasn't worked if you still need help after so many sessions'.

I can completely understand that they are a busy service and six sessions is the most I'd get in most NHS places (which is why I emailed them to check - apparently there was a misunderstanding and the person who said yes was someone temporarily covering their admin). But surely counselling is different for everyone and it's perfectly acceptable to need more sessions (even if these can't be provided)? I feel really down as I found my last session really hard and can't believe I'll never see my counsellor again. Also, I felt like I was 'right in the middle' of telling her personal things, which have been whirling round in my mind ever since, as there's noone else I can talk about them with (nobody knew I was seeing a counsellor). Perhaps I should have just 'got on' and not seen a counsellor at all, if I feel like this now...

Your situation sounds a little bit similiar to mine during my first year, although my problems weren't as bad as yours. I've always been a bit anxious and had some other problems as well and I spent all my first year (and quite a bit of my second) just feeling terrified of the whole experience, like I was really stupid compared to everyone else, struggling with practical tasks and having serious doubts and thinking about quitting the PhD. I spoke to my supervisor and disability service and a counsellor, who was really helpful.

I think it's good you've got a psychologist to help you, maybe consult your supervisor if you haven't already and try and get regular sleep and exercise (I know this can be easier said than done but even a 10 minute walk outside can work wonders and if you're not concentrating on your work anyway you're not missing anything). I know it might sound a bit simplistic but try and stick to a routine, reward yourself for good work done and set yourself concrete targets. Break tasks down into simple steps and tick each step off as you're done.

I'm now writing up and, although I have bad days and feel guilty sometimes for not having finished (some other people who started at the same time have finished or got full time jobs) and like I don't know if academia is for me when I do finish, I'm glad that I stuck the PhD out as it's been a good experience as well as a stressful one and I've learnt a lot from it. Everyone's situation is different though, so obviously only you can decide whether you need a break or to finish completely. I know it's hard and I do hope that things get better for you soon.

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it a struggle with your studies. It must be hard studying in another country. If it's any help at all, I went through a rough period during my first year myself and thought about giving up quite frequently during that first year. I have anxiety related difficulties as well and, even though a lot of people say that the first year is the easiest (I suppose because you don't have as much pressure as during the second and third year) I actually found it a lot harder than my second year has been. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, had times when I felt like I didn't care anymore and like everyone else was really far ahead of me. I also had real difficulty in gauging how much work was enough and as a result spent pretty much all day every day either working, thinking about work or worrying about work! This year I feel a bit like there's a bit more structure and have built up a better relationship with my supervisors, which I feel has helped. I was also unfunded last year (working part time to support full time study leaving absolutely no time for myself!) but have now managed to gain funding this year which has been a massive financial help.

I still have days where I feel guilty for not working whenever I take a break (even though I spend most of my time working!), feel like I'm not as clever as everyone else is, have anxiety/panic attacks and worry that I'm not going to submit on time or even that I'm incapable and won't be able to submit at all but things are definitely better this year. In the end, I don't think there is a right or wrong solution as to whether to quit or not, it's down to the individual person and their circumstance but I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone.

I am on a fully funded PhD Teaching Studentship (funded through the university department), which I believed was tax free. However, I recently received a tax code in the post and, when I rang the tax company, they were insistent that I would have to pay tax on it. Does anyone know if this is correct? Everything else I've seen implies that PhD's tend to be tax free. Thanks in advance for your help.

Glad to hear it went well with your supervisor. I've had a few mental health problems as well (quite minor - occasional panic attacks and high anxiety levels) and am in the second year of my PhD. I told my supervisor about this last December - probably when I was at about the same stage as you are. She also supervised my MSc (although not my BSc) so had already known me a year. Looking back, I'm glad I told her, I think it's good to 'get these things out in the open' sometimes, although (even though she's tried to be understanding) I don't think she understands some of the things I'm finding difficult at the moment (I have a disability as well, which I've disclosed to her)... So, I know how difficult it can be and I think you did the right thing. And other people are right, the first term of a PhD is hard anyway and I think it's completely natural to feel like you don't know what you're doing at times. I really hope things go well for you.

Although I'm not exactly in the same position as you I can sympathise with you situation - I'm a first year who has also thought of giving up. In my case, it just seemed to be taking me a while to get started and I felt like I lacked understanding and wasn't 'bright enough'. With me, talking about it with my supervisor really helped as did, instead of comparing my performance to other people all the time, thinking about my own progression. I definitely know more now than I did a year ago, six months ago, three months ago and even one month ago. I still have various issues and difficulties, like you I still have days where I feel like I'm working really hard but not achieving anything and times when I doubt my ability, but overall I'm a lot happier. I'm sorry you're experiments haven't worked out. What subject is your PhD? Is there any chance that you got interesting results that you could use even if they're not what ou expected? I'm afraid I don't really have any practical advice but I thought it might help a little bit to realize that someone else has had second thoughts as well.

Does anyone else sometimes feel like they don't know enough about their PhD topic? I mean, considering I'm meant to be an expert on it sometimes I feel like I just don't have enough knowledge! Also, I find that keeping on top of all the literature is difficult - I hate to admit this and maybe this is really bad but, although I usually enjo reading relevant journal papers sometimes I secretly groan when I have to read relevant literature as there are bits of it I find boring! Does that sound reall bad? It seems to take me a long time to thoroughly read the relevant work and actually understand it and I often forget/mix up important points from journal articles. Does anyone else do this, or is it just me? I'm starting to worry a little bit...

Hi,

I have panic and anxiety-related issues myself... it's a complicated situation and I don't want to give too much away just in case anyone I know somehow recognises who I am but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm in the first year of my PhD and recently my difficulties did begin to get worse. However, I now have them under control (for now). I must admit there have been times when I've seriously thought that doing the PhD was just 'too much' for me, I even posted on here a few months ago speculating whether or not I should quit (and people were very helpful). I still worry I haven't progressed as much as other people and I don't know enough about my subject area and I'm also concerned about potential conferences etc. as being in crowds and public speaking can both set my anxiety levels off. However, I have made the decision to stay and work at it. Now though, I'm happy that I stayed and nervous but also looking forward about what is to come. Yes, the PhD is stress-inducing, hard work and challenging but that can be a good thing and I've learnt a lot from the experience. Ultimately the decision is yours and, obviously, your health must come first. But, for me, I'm glad I'm doing it most of the time and I'm actually in quite a good environment. I think it's good you have emailed your supervisor (I kept my problems from mine for a long while but I don't think, in hindsight, that was the best thing to do). Also, could student services/the disability office maybe help you out at all? I hope that helped you.