In response Bejasus, I in turn feel like you are also describing my story, right down to some of the details such as the self medicating. It's funny how you think that what you are feeling and doing
is so strange and different from that experienced by 'normal' people and begin to feel alone in this, and yet there are probably a lot more people like you and I out there suffering in silence...and probably some of our own colleagues who seem to have it all together, as I am sure is how I appear at times.

And to all of the rest of you thanks so much for your advice, and particularly the specific list of references as the first thing I am going to do is actually get those books and give them a read.
So I am not sure what else to say accept thank you, if there is nothing else that being honest about stuff like this it is that you realize that there are some really great, understanding and thoughtful people out there.:-)

Hello Cara:
I was/am in same boat.
Departed my phd program, started another masters program, and do still consider going back at some point.
Then I try to reflect upon the fact that we tend to look back on things with rose coloured glasses at times and
to forgot the painful reasons we might have made a decision and this really puts me in check.
I am not saying I won't go back, just that it would take a heck of a good reason for me to do so after finally pulling myself
out of that very isolating and painful experience, and having a much better life as a result. I guess I would just suggest that you should have a very very good reason to do it, and make sure it is not just to prove something or to overcome some self inflicted shame as a result of not finishing. Remember, that time is sunk costs and you only have power over today. And, if you do or do not go back it will not mean a damn to anybody else--that is the humbling but freeing reality is that ultimately people may talk briefly but nobody really cares--so do it, or don't do it, for yourself.

======= Date Modified 29 Apr 2011 17:03:19 =======
Hello all:

Arguably I write well, some would say very well, typically in top 5% on all graduate papers etc...that is.... when I FINALLY hand it in--which may be days or weeks late-- so this is by no means a boast.

Clearly the problem is the process, it is torture and not healthy, and yet I think that if I could just find a way to overcome my psychological issues with anxiety, perfectionism etc. and/or develop better strategies it could be enjoyable and feasible as a way of life.

And when I say torture I don't mean hard, I mean psychological and physical torture that literally threatens my life.

To that end I am seeing a psychiatrist and I am even on meds...poster child for it.

I have also gone to see a sports performance psychologist to see if he could help me with the behavioural side of it but that just got into generic mindfulness and cognitive behavioural techniques that did not really focus specifically on the act of writing, and how it does not seem to work in my case.

So, after that long intro, does anybody have any ideas or even specific suggestions as to some professionals, groups etc. I might consider to help to address this problem.

Ideally someone or some group that specializes in this in some way.

Thanks so much!

Not to worry Guitarman:

Not surprisingly you will find that many who immediately dismiss you with contempt clearly already feel that typical insecurity about themselves as phd students--and deep down they see some threatening truth in what you are saying--in order to simply feel the need to refute with such passion. A case of protesting too much, that I too have been guilty of in the past.

For once one becomes part of the world of academia one must fight tooth and nail to protect even its falsehoods, let our own identities come into question. It is not until we realize that this is an artificial world, and explore the many other potential identities out in the real world, that the truth of much of what you are saying can possibly become apparent.

Rest assured you are doing a service in terms of poking some holes into the religion of higher education and at some point some of these folks may thank you, or regret not listening sooner. At the very least, it is refreshing to hear another perspective that should clearly be welcomed in an academic arena. To simply dismiss you on a personal level would be to engage in the same type of petty quarrels that far too often occupy academia, in the absense of any real purpose or outcome. As is often suggested, disputes in academia that are only as fierce as they are because there is often so little at stake...that is, beyond weak egos.

I wish you well as you seem genuinely happy, and that is clearly the most that we can hope for in life.:-)

I think the same may be true of qualitative research more generally. You are called upon to provide thick and rick description to support your claims. However, if you analyze things at such a micro level, the number of potential interpretations multiply.

Of course, you can choose to avoid this by focusing in on one aspect or cutting the data collection off when you have obtained enough 'evidence' to support your claims, but then you are not honestly providing the type of rich and detailed description--and by extension data collection--that is suggested.

I have come to see this as a very fundamental paradox in qualitative research, although I have yet to find a way to overcome it.

Your thoughts?

I do a run...okay, run and walk lately...with the dog, which is great for getting into a totally different headspace for a while, not to mention sun and fresh air.

Initially I tried bringing my thoughts, and even interviews with me on an ipod, but that seemed to spoil it.
Sure, I got some great ideas in the process, but I also gave up the one 'free time' escape afforded to me, which was not good in the long run.

I am also considering doing something a little bit more social, like a running group in my area, so my communication skills do not completely disappear...although I am begining to speak pretty good Hungarian Viszla:-)

about two months since I suggeted to my advisor that I was going in a different direction,
but already 5 yrs in and had all data collected,
as did not see future in academia just couldn't imagine how I would finish without seeing light of opportunity
at the end of the tunnel,
lately I've been thinking that perhaps I should finish while exploring related jobs outside of academia,
the prospect of losing all those years is just a little much at times,
K.

I recently informed my advisor that I was going to head in a new direction, and he reluctantly accepted my decision but added
that the door was open for me to return at any time...In fact, he said that if I changed my mind next month I could come back.

Well, having explored other pastures I am actually starting to think that maybe my phd research was not as miserable, hopeless and uselesss
as I initially thought. Having to look at the alternatives did provide me with some distance and perspective. I mean I really did like my topic I
just could not see how it could lead to a normal job outside of academia and that really worried me. However, having looked at other more logical career
trajectories outside of the phd I realized that nothing else really interests me any more, particularly as I would have to start at the bottom and/or
likely go back to school yet again.

At the same time I wonder whether this time off has really allowed me to put false 'rose coloured' glasses on about the whole PhD thing and this has led to
this gentler reflection.

Has anyone had this same experience?

So, here is the deal.

I am in a phd program, data collected, qualitative analysis incomplete and for the moment, my decision has been to leave it that way as the topic area and analysis method don't lead to any logical job afterward. I have no interest in going into academia any longer (pehaps as there are very few prospects given the competition, and few publications on my part), can not really go into teaching as mine is a crossdisciplinary area with no core courses to teach, and am not enthusiastic, but not ruling out research, given my negative experience thus far.

I've already applied to another masters program for Fall 2010 that seems to have the more logical and practical post graduate career path as I have reasoned that in the time it will taking me to finish the phd (a toughj 2 years as the analysis will be difficult) I can just as well get some more applied skills in the other MA.

Having said that, I am now left wondering, might there not still be some way to shape my dissertation so as to be more generically applicable to something post graduation and if so, how?

If so, might it be better to focus on getting the phd, even if it is not as applied. While I feel like I have wasted the past number of years working on the phd and in not really getting anything done, might I not simply start working from this day forward to change that or is is too late in terms of having already tarnished my academic cv?

But is this just me buying into the idea that the phd actually means something outside of the academic world, even if it is not tied directly to any obviousy applied area of work?

Your thoughts on any of these meandering thoughts?.

Sorry to bother y'all but I am in a bit of a fix as I have an academic statement due tomorrow and just need to cut out about 50 words out..

Is there anyone who might be willing and able to assist

If you can help pls let me know and I will send it to you...and thanks!!! / message

======= Date Modified 19 29 2010 15:29:54 =======
any urban plan or public heath students out there?

If so would you be willing to give my
grad school statement a look?

Thanks so so much!

Well I quit my Phd. I came to realize that it just wasn't a healthy responsible thing for me to do any longer particularly as I no longer saw it as leading to opportunities in the future. I was never interested in an academic career and not only had the substantive topic of my thesis ceased to interest me, but unfortunately was too specific to lead into other jobs post PhD. While I had blind faith about the future when I was personally interested and engaged in the topic, I no longer had that idealism and so I could not sustain that optimism in the face of reality. Tough to deal with but the truth.

After considerable sadness and buckets of tears I have come to realize that it was the right decision. It was not worth sacrificing so many other important parts of my life, and for that matter putting my loved ones through all of this, if I did not honestly have faith that I was on the right path. Academia in general, and the PhD process in particular, is an incredibly isolating experience and in the process I realize that I have put my mental health in danger and have risked losing my true 'self'. I have digressed psychologically and socially through this process and as I am not getting any younger really need to change gears before it is too late.

On the bright side, I've learned that my life really needs to involve regular interaction with others and that I can not be so focussed so exclusively upon living inside my own head. It needs to involve knowledge and intellect but also needs to be more applied, rather than theoretical (I am presently in a very unstructured Social Sciences program). I guess these are things we have to learn about ourselves.

Initially I thought I was being cowardly and irresponsible for doing this, whereas now I realize that this is perhaps the bravest and most responsible thing I have ever done. Strangely, nothing would be easier than sliding back into doing my PhD, as that is something that I am all too familiar--and thus comfortable--with could avoid social embarasment, but that would also be to engage in avoidance and longer term misery.

Instead I have decided to move on and am looking toward applying to a grad program in another field (Urban and Regional Planning). Fortunately I have undergrad training in that field and may be able to apply my Masters credentials (Public Health) to it. However, as I have been away from it for so very long I really need to re-educate myself. This is where the problem lies.

Despite feeling better and 'right' about my decision my self confidence has been absolutely devastated, my inner voice says, 'what makes you think you can do anything?'. I really worry that my self doubts as a result of my PhD experience will continue to haunt me and as a result have simply considered going out to get a menial job, but then realize I would be selling myself short and ultimately miserable as a result.

Does anyone have any advice to offer?

I hadn't even thought of that Sneaks! Looking at as potentially one stage of a larger process certainly leaves the door open for more opportunities and in doing so may also take the the pressure off in terms of me thinking I have to have it all nailed down in the first go. Having said that it would still be nice to be able to find a way to milk the data I already have, particularly as there is so much of it....over 30 interviews at 2-5 hrs per interviews is a lot of paper! Also, as deadlines loom near, I am not sure I have time for more data collection...hmmm, will have to give it some thought. Coincidentally, what is your research on Sneaks?

First of all I want to thank all of you dearly for your comments, encouragement and advice.  They really struck a chord with me and I followed up on each and every one of the leads you provided. Yes it is an area I am very passionate about, both professionally and personally, and so I am trying to remind myself of that in the hopes of moving forward. 

After examining all of the options you have provided I have decided that perhaps taking the grounded theory route would be best in turning this into a case of making new and unexpected discoveries.

The only thing I am a bit worried about still is the fact that most grounded theory studies seem to be framed around one process that they then study in detail in order to arrive at some general conceptualization about (e.g., a typologies of processes of recovery from addiction) . 

By considering the specific role of exercise in recovery from addiction, however, it seems as though I have actually complicated things by taking on two processes (i.e., recovery and exercise involvement) and/or have taken my study to a substantive level that might make more general conceptualizations more difficult and/or might lead me to focus more on the nuts and bolts of how and why exercise might work. Of course, this substantive focus came as an innevitable result of my specific interest in this topic that would not have been possible through a focus upon more general processes...so it is a bit of a catch 22.  Based upon an initial scan of teh data, I am worried that I will be challenged to elevate it to a broader theoretical level as I will be mired in thousands of descriptive codes as to how exercise might fit into recovery.

Does that make sense to any of you? 

If so do you have any suggestions as to studies that have tackled this or perhaps ideas as to how I might frame a grand tour question that would allow me to avoid this trap.

Am I making any sense at all?

Thanks again!

P.S.: it was a purposive sample in the sense that I did recruit people based upon the fact that they had recovered from alcohol or drugs and felt exercise/sport had played a role in this

Hello all:

Sorry to bore you but this was a last resort in case there was even one person who can help as I am quite literally about to give up on my phd...which is devastating.

You see I collected stories from participants who had reported that exercise/sport was a part of their recovery from addiction (recruited them by asking, "has exercise played a role in your recovery" and interviewed them by simply asking them to tell me about their experiences with addiction, recovery and exercie/sport and then probed them on topics they raised). I have transcribed about 40 interviews lasting 2-4 hours which I felt really spoke to the richness of the data, but as discussed below this may also relate to me trying to do too much in one study.

My original conjecture was that identity changes associated with adopting an athletic identity might support that recovery and I was going to use identity as a central sensitizing concept--while being open to other arising themes-- in perhaps a grounded theory or narrative approach. My tentative 'grand tour' question was 'how participants conveyed a sense of who they are in their sport stories, versus their stories of addiction'

Now I have come to the realization--albeit obvious in retrospect--that I am looking at two processes (i.e., recovery and exercise/sport involvement) that could and have been considered in isolation (and have) in other studies adopting a grounded theory approach (which generally focuses on one specific process not two) and even identity change is typically studied in the context of one process (e.g., recovery) which simplifies the process of making the necessary links to theory, and generally allowing them to make generalizations across the data on that basis (e.g., typologies of identity changes).

In contrast, I fear that I have collected such a complicated sample from the outset (involving recovery and sport involvement) that I will not be able to tie the data and theory together in a logical whole. Just as an example, I am left wondering, "how do I account for the fact that some were very involved in some forms of treatment (with consequences for their identity as well) while others were not", "how do I account for the fact that while all identified exercise as part of their recovery, some started exercising before their recovery while others started exercising to support their recovery once it had already begun". As you can see, it would have been a lot simpler to have stuck to looking at one defined process and now I fear that in my overzealousness, and due to a lack of methodological foresight, I have dug myself into a hole that I won't be able to get out of.

Does anyone have any advice?

P.S.: while discussing with my committee, I also fear that by pointing to these problems with my sample I will effectively be cutting off any last opportunities there might be to save things by framing my sample, approach and research question in terms of what I have collected.